I've been in an abusive relationship for over 10 years. We have had lovely periods where things have been great and truly horrid periods where he has stated that I would be better off dead. I have two beautiful DCs, 5 years and 18 months who are my world. The 5 year old has recently diagnosed mild SN, but enough to need plenty of additional care and support at school etc. He has told me he is leaving us. It is such a long story. He is a functioning alcoholic and quite controlling. While I have sleepless nights and work full-time (because of the need to be financially independent - I would much rather be at SAHM but he has been financially abusive), he has often gone out drinking after work, gets drunk and gets in the next morning, unable to work. He has not told me his whereabouts and Ive been left to cover up for him to dc1 who gets distressed on waking to find he is not there in the morning. I have to be up every morning with our DCs, to be the parent. I have often asked for a sleep in or some of kind of rest but he never allows it. I never have a break. Between the commute, work and doing my absolute best for my DCs, I feel like I am gradually having a nervous breakdown. I discovered I was pregnant last year and felt obliged to have an abortion, which I deeply regret and never wanted. Oddly enough,he had always been opposed to abortion per se, but was so supportive when I finally resigned to the fact that it was the only outcome. In the period when he knew i was pregnant, he was deliberately absent and useless so that I would have no choice but to proceed with the abortion.
I fought that decision to the end, but knew I ultimately could not cope with another baby functioning very much as a 'single parent' and felt it was hugely unfair to that little baby to be brought into such a dysfunctional situation. I hide everything from my dcs as much as possible but when dc2 was born and only a few days old (and recovering from a c-section), he assaulted me viciously (but clever enough not to leave any marks) in front of dc1, then just turned 4. I wanted to report this particular incident and did on previous occasions in the past but the police were not supportive and believed the lies he told about me 'provoking' him. He can be very charming and is highly intelligent. I once had him arrested when he threatened me with a knife but he was out the next day after I had a call from the police stating that I had clearly exaggerated things. He has also on numerous occasions threatened to have me 'committed' even though I am perfectly sane and the one who loves and cares for our dcs more than anything in the world.
I only recently started working again to regain independence for the sake of my dcs and dc1 is really struggling with this, despite having a wonderful nanny who is devoted to them. I am a bright, highly educated person living in a very affluent area (despite being anything but well off myself). We are not married (engaged - not that it meant anything) and he has advanced significantly in his career, while I am just restarting mine while trying to juggle the needs of my young dcs. I have no family support and distanced myself from friends as I felt I was just putting on a front for too long.
Sorry for the long post. Please do not be harsh on me. I know its been a mistake to have remained in this relationship for so long. I'm now back at work so starting to make steps in the right direction. I just need some kind words and some support. I've hit rock bottom.
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14 replies
WishIchoosewisely · 09/02/2016 01:55
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