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Please tell me things get better

(15 Posts)
WishIchoosewisely Tue 09-Feb-16 01:55:55

I've been in an abusive relationship for over 10 years. We have had lovely periods where things have been great and truly horrid periods where he has stated that I would be better off dead. I have two beautiful DCs, 5 years and 18 months who are my world. The 5 year old has recently diagnosed mild SN, but enough to need plenty of additional care and support at school etc. He has told me he is leaving us. It is such a long story. He is a functioning alcoholic and quite controlling. While I have sleepless nights and work full-time (because of the need to be financially independent - I would much rather be at SAHM but he has been financially abusive), he has often gone out drinking after work, gets drunk and gets in the next morning, unable to work. He has not told me his whereabouts and Ive been left to cover up for him to dc1 who gets distressed on waking to find he is not there in the morning. I have to be up every morning with our DCs, to be the parent. I have often asked for a sleep in or some of kind of rest but he never allows it. I never have a break. Between the commute, work and doing my absolute best for my DCs, I feel like I am gradually having a nervous breakdown. I discovered I was pregnant last year and felt obliged to have an abortion, which I deeply regret and never wanted. Oddly enough,he had always been opposed to abortion per se, but was so supportive when I finally resigned to the fact that it was the only outcome. In the period when he knew i was pregnant, he was deliberately absent and useless so that I would have no choice but to proceed with the abortion.

I fought that decision to the end, but knew I ultimately could not cope with another baby functioning very much as a 'single parent' and felt it was hugely unfair to that little baby to be brought into such a dysfunctional situation. I hide everything from my dcs as much as possible but when dc2 was born and only a few days old (and recovering from a c-section), he assaulted me viciously (but clever enough not to leave any marks) in front of dc1, then just turned 4. I wanted to report this particular incident and did on previous occasions in the past but the police were not supportive and believed the lies he told about me 'provoking' him. He can be very charming and is highly intelligent. I once had him arrested when he threatened me with a knife but he was out the next day after I had a call from the police stating that I had clearly exaggerated things. He has also on numerous occasions threatened to have me 'committed' even though I am perfectly sane and the one who loves and cares for our dcs more than anything in the world.

I only recently started working again to regain independence for the sake of my dcs and dc1 is really struggling with this, despite having a wonderful nanny who is devoted to them. I am a bright, highly educated person living in a very affluent area (despite being anything but well off myself). We are not married (engaged - not that it meant anything) and he has advanced significantly in his career, while I am just restarting mine while trying to juggle the needs of my young dcs. I have no family support and distanced myself from friends as I felt I was just putting on a front for too long.

Sorry for the long post. Please do not be harsh on me. I know its been a mistake to have remained in this relationship for so long. I'm now back at work so starting to make steps in the right direction. I just need some kind words and some support. I've hit rock bottom.

gooseberryroolz Tue 09-Feb-16 02:13:42

Once you leave, it will be immeasurably better. Truly flowers

You are doing the right things re work, independence. How long do you think it will take you to get out of there? He sounds very physically aggressive.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 09-Feb-16 02:44:42

When you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up - and your spirits will rise when you end the abusive relationship that is sucking the joy of your life.

I'm more than outraged that the police were dismissive of your complaints and urge you to please make contact with Women's Aid so that you can at least converse with women who will unquestionably believe you and give you the rl support you need to safely break free of a controlling alcoholic who seemingly has the boys in blue in thrall, but who'll fail an alcohol test if he attempts to claim that you're an unfit dm.

Please know that, as hard as it was for you to come to the right, the only, decision that was in the best interests of your 2 dc and yourself, your sacrifice won't be in vain if it proves to have been the catalyst that enables you to build the life that the 3 of you deserve.

Get back in touch with your friends and don't be afraid to be upfront about what's truly going on behind your facade of social pleasantry as I have no doubt that you'll find a diamond or two among them.

Keep posting here and let this thread be a testament to your progress as you navigate your way out of the nightmare and what may currently seem to be the dream life you want for your dc, but which you can manifest in rl if you put your mind to it.

antimatter Tue 09-Feb-16 02:48:10

Yes. It will get better.
You've done the right thing. Do you have family or a friend you told what's going on and about your plans?
Children will be more relaxed when you are rested and rid of this man.

Are you financially independent?
Would you need or even want to move away?

Baconyum Tue 09-Feb-16 03:12:18

If you leave it will be immeasurably better for you and dc. I speak as a child of an abusive alcoholic and his enabler. Addiction to alcohol is separate to being abusive. People who are nasty are always nasty regardless of alcohol intake. But all addicts are selfish and immature and irresponsible.

Resilience16 Tue 09-Feb-16 06:18:31

Hi Wish, well done to you for realising this is an abusive relationship and that you and your children need to get out. I know it's not easy when you are stuck in the middle of all that crap, doubting yourself, hoping against hope the next day will better,getting ground down ,walking on eggshells.
Well done for surviving ten years of hell. That shows that you are actually a pretty strong person.
Well done for taking the first steps to get out and also for getting back to work.
You and your kids deserve to be happy and safe.
Please do contact Women's aid for advice, they are open 24/7.
You have us here on MN for support also.
Hugs and hope and good luck xx

WishIchoosewisely Tue 09-Feb-16 13:01:33

Thank you. I am not yet financially independent, which is why I returned to work as soon as I could find something that would adequately cover childcare. True independence depends on him sticking to what we have agreed ie. splitting the proceeds of the sale of a property which he owns and him contributing to half of my childcare costs. I sincerely hope he does but will reach out to womens aid later today and see what my options are.

Thie properly above was our primary residence (and our children's home) for the vast majority of the relationship and a few years ago, it was completely renovated and extended. I contributed a significant amount of my own money at the time towards this. That properly has tripled in value since though there is still a mortgage outstanding on it (in his name despite me asking to change it several times).

I really would have run away a long time ago had I the means to do so. He knows this and has therefore always encouraged me to 'stay at home'. I go well beyond the norm in terms of caring for my children and love them more than anything but nothing is ever good enough - I'm 'stupid', 'fat' (size 8/10), was a 'huge compromise' for him looks-wise, any difficulties dc1 has are all my fault because I'm such a terrible partner. I do all the housework and if there is no dinner ready in the evening after my long day at work and bathing/reading stories/putting our dcs to bed, I am 'useless'.

If I ask him to get up with the dcs in the morning (as I have to leave early) he tells me it's his bed and just lies there while our poor dcs cry as they are hungry and would like to be up having breakfast. Once our nanny arrives, he just hands them over and spends the entire rest of the time getting himself ready for work and having a long shower instead of playing or eating with them.

I know this all means that I need to leave. The thing I struggle with most is the emotional abuse in the evenings. Even if I go to bed early, he has often come in drunk waking the baby (who wakes plenty enough times in the night already) and demanding sex.

He makes me feel suicidal but I would never act upon that.

WishIchoosewisely Tue 09-Feb-16 13:10:28

I would definitely need to move as I couldn't afford to stay where we are currently on my own. I haven't shared all this with anybody. I just don't want to burden anybody with it.

I would need to stay reasonably local though as dc1 is really (finally) settled in an excellent school which is providing her with an amazon level of pastoral care. I gave not informed the school about the situation at home. I've always been afraid that he would carry out his threat of having me committed as revenge. He has threatened this on many occasions.

Also, I'm just trying to keep things as 'civil' from my side as possible. I'm terms of contact, he said he is happy to have the dcs for one Saturday every second week. I cannot permit overnight stays as he is completely irresponsible in terms of drinking and has gone out too many times and nene unable to even get up the next morning or has been totally drunk and/or vomiting in front of our dcs the next morningsad

I get blamed for
That toosad

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 09-Feb-16 13:17:11

The threats to have you committed are just another form of control.

You need to get some RL support - Women's Aid will be an amazing first step. I personally wouldn't start talking to school about this yet as actually it will raise safeguarding concerns which you aren't ready to deal with yet. Focus your energies on getting support and getting out. Then, when you're ready, break the conspiracy of silence.

You can do this. Look how much you're doing right now - working, taking care of the children, managing the house and managing the shit you live with. Think how much easier your life will be when he's not part of your to-do list flowers

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Feb-16 13:19:25

Oh you poor thing. It sounds appalling. I bet when you leave your nanny will tell you she would have left him, too. Then will be the time to reach out again to your old friends and family.

How soon will you be able to go? Have you seen a lawyer? There is a good legal board on here where you can ask for advice, but you really do need to have a lawyer on your side, too.


antimatter Tue 09-Feb-16 13:20:26

Unfortunately you have to assume he won't give you a penny from the sale of the flat.
Will you be able to afford anything in the area at all if you went on your own?
I know how important it is to have adequate school for dc's needs.
He is only going to make your life more miserable and stress out your kids.

WishIchoosewisely Tue 09-Feb-16 16:40:01

I'm finding the responses so supportive. Helping me to remain strong and resolute about this separation.

Thank you very much.

antimatter Tue 09-Feb-16 21:26:54

You have to find that strength in yourself.
But you made decision to leave him. That is the most important step!

cupcakesandwine Wed 10-Feb-16 08:16:47

He sounds horrible and I think planning to leave is the best thing to do.

I suggest you talk to a solicitor about the property. The fact that he is the only one on the mortgage is a good thing as he is the only one liable to pay it back. The fact that you are not named as an owner on the title to the property is not. However, the fact that you contributed money to refurbishing and extending the property is potentially something which would give you a claim and possibly even to lodge a caution on the title which would mean he can only sell it with your agreement (and therefore would have to come to a deal on the treatment of the sale proceeds). Presumably you will be able to prove this from your bank statements at the time.

I'd also suggest you talk to your local CAB and about what benefits you would be entitled to receive if you left and lived on your own with the children.

At least that way you can deal from a position of knowledge rather than feeling you are trapped.

Baconyum Wed 10-Feb-16 23:54:33

Definitely WA and SHL ASAP!

All sounds so familiar to me. My mum's spent 40+ years being called stupid, fat, ugly, useless, bad mother etc.

The threat to have you committed (my dad used to say he'd go for full custody of me and sister and said he'd get it as she'd have no home or income utter tripe! Because if mum had left his alcoholism and violence not to mention CSA would have been reported and he'd have got nowhere near us!) Is total rubbish! Nobody is going to listen to an abusive alcoholic claiming his Mrs is crazy for leaving! As if!

He's in desperation mode. Like my dad he probably knows he wouldn't last 5 mins without you!

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