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Should you always tell someone you love them or not?

(9 Posts)
sallyfireworks Mon 08-Feb-16 22:43:39

Do you think if you are in love with someone that you should tell them? Or sometimes is it better to keep it in?

We were seeing each other casually, I broke it off after three months because I felt like I felt like he went into it asking for casual and I knew I'd fallen in love.

I know he would see me in a heartbeat if I asked to and that he misses me and is sad I am gone, but that might just be down to liking me a lot and having a strong physical attraction - whereas I am head over heels in love with him. I have at times felt like he has strong feelings for me as well, in certain things he has said and done.

I haven't let on that I am in love with him and ended it quite brusquely telling him I had decided to date someone else who was looking for something more serious and that we were in diferrent places in our lives. He barely responded, so I think I did hurt him. We haven't seen each other for about three weeks now. He did message me and try and set up a time to meet and talk, which I nearly did, but I felt like I would just wind up back in the casual situation again and it was better to keep my distance.

All the distance / dates with other people is doing is making me realise how completely madly in love with him I am and I don't know what to do.

He knows the reason we split up was that I wanted more than he did (in general) because as long as I have known him he has said he is not ready for a relationship with anyone but he has no idea how much I feel for him.

Telling him I love him leaves me with an 95% chance he doesn't feel the same way, and also scaring him maybe. Leaving him alone leaves me with the alternative of keeping my dignity but maybe missing out if there is any chance he feels the same.

Or...if he does feel the same, will he realise too and contact me? I do feel in my gut like he (a) genuinely is in a place of not wanting a relationship for a myriad of reasons that I do understand (b) would definitely want one with me if he could (c) has feelings for me that go beyond casual - but I don't think his feelings have run away in the ame way mine have.

WWYD?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 08-Feb-16 22:49:57

I don't think you have much to lose?

Maybe you could just meet with him and see how it goes? If he told you he misses you and he tried to meet, he may well feel something, even if it's not yet love. Or, if he's not ready to admit that it's love.

sallyfireworks Mon 08-Feb-16 22:53:35

I think maybe I havent said it right, because if it was a choice between never seeing him again and telling him I love him - I'd just tell him. As you say, nothing to lose.

The reason i have held back off just saying it, was because I thought maybe losing me / me backing off and letting him know I was prepared to walk away would get him to see his feelings are deeper than he admits. Which I suspect they are for many reasons.

Do you think therefore it might be better to leave him for 3 or 4 months, let him live life without me and then go for a drink with him in the hope that maybe he might have got his head together?

Cut a long story very short, we started seeing each other weeks after he split with someone else that hurt him a lot, so he just hasn't been in a place to be a good boyfriend and the whole timing thing has been off.

YeahWellMaybe Mon 08-Feb-16 23:01:57

I would keep your powder dry. If he wants you enough he will seek you out. Otherwise I'm afraid you will just be a sticking plaster for his broken heart. Crap for you.

sallyfireworks Mon 08-Feb-16 23:13:00

So if he wants me he will definitely be back?

Cabrinha Tue 09-Feb-16 00:08:54

I think that all this not in the right place stuff is, essentially, bollocks. Sorry. He was over his "hurt" enough to date again, wasn't he?

You don't have to declare love for him.

Just tell him you broke it off because you don't want casual, and you like him enough to want to have a proper relationship, and what does he think about that?

If he doesn't jump at the chance, walk away.

Don't go declaring love, but also don't play games. Just tell him you're interested in a proper relationship with him.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 09-Feb-16 00:38:48

Three months was enough for you to decide that you were 'head over heels in love with him' and you broke it off because he hadn't fallen to one knee and declared his undying love for you?

You sound emotionally needy, OP, and are best advised to act on Cabrhina's advice if/when you see him again as coming on too strong too early is a turn off for most men, and women for that matter.

Destinysdaughter Tue 09-Feb-16 01:05:29

I think men will often get over someone by dating again pretty quickly. If he'd just been dumped then he definitely wasn't ready. I'd leave it for now as I think you'll just get hurt by him. Maybe contact him in a few months?

Canyouforgiveher Tue 09-Feb-16 01:53:57

He knows the reason we split up was that I wanted more than he did (in general) because as long as I have known him he has said he is not ready for a relationship with anyone but he has no idea how much I feel for him.

Basically if he was that into you, he'd have asked you to reconsider, told you he was serious, wanted a relationship etc. I think he did know you were very fond of him.

You could certainly tell him you love him (although what I think you feel is immense attraction and a belief the two of you are compatible-not love) and who gives a curse if he rejects you. You honestly stated your feelings, at least you gave it a chance.

but I think you are caught in the idea that if only he really knew how you felt he would fall in love too. You are probably a lovely woman and deserve all good things but I have to tell you if he really loved you, you would already know.

There is someone better out there who will absolutely fall for you and love you.

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