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Advise re is my partner being selfish or am I the selfish one?

(42 Posts)
flopseyR72 Mon 08-Feb-16 22:29:23

Feeling a bit confused and was wondering if anyone could give an objective perspective. Sorry its a long story. I have been with my partner for 2 years we have a 6 month old daughter. I love her so much. I have been desperate for a baby for years. Before I met my partner I just got divorced from a verbally abusive husband who refused to have children. I was desperate due to biological clock and sort of rushed my partner (who has 4 kids with 3 women already but doesn't see them) into having a child with me. Ok its not my ideal situation but we did fall in love and we are compatible. I love my daughter more than anything in the world and want to spend all my time I can with her. anyway i kind of agreed before she was born to get a job and move to hampshire and buy us a country house..this is what my partner wants to be nearer his family/friends. now the baby is born though I've changed my mind. i really want another baby. also i want and to keep my current job in greater london because its easy and i know it. i could work three days there and one at home. a new job would mean five days. Also partner wants me to buy the house and he will cut down to work three days and keep his own house. when i try to talk to him he shouts at me and tells me Im being selfish. that i have the baby so i have to do this for him. i.e. move and buy us a house in the country. does anyone think i am being selfish? i feel bullied and slightly pissed off that I have to work so much to pay for a house when all i want to do is be with my daughter. also my family live in the north so will be even more difficult to see them.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 08-Feb-16 22:32:54

I don't really understand all the jobs and houses - he's keeping his but wants you to buy another one?

Maybe it's just getting late but he doesn't seem like a keeper

honeyroar Mon 08-Feb-16 22:33:01

You both sound a bit selfish and like you don't think things through much.

flopseyR72 Mon 08-Feb-16 22:37:13

thanks for your honest honey roar, I was desperate for a child.....if that makes me selfish i am guilty of that

Anomaly Mon 08-Feb-16 22:40:29

So he gets his house in the country, gets to keep his current house and cuts back to working three days? I can see why he's pissed off so close to getting the dream. I can't see any benefit for you at all so no you're not selfish. I doubt this guy is a keeper given his history.

flopseyR72 Mon 08-Feb-16 22:45:43

do you think as he agreed to have a child with me despite being not keen initially that I owe him as he suggests. he keeps saying "you got what you wanted now what about me". would you feel like you owe someone for giving you a child?

goddessofsmallthings Mon 08-Feb-16 22:49:20

Who owns the proeprty you are living in at the moment?

As I see it, it isn't a question of selfishness as it makes far more economic sense for you to keep your current job which gives you more flexibility than most and stay in London/the suburbs at least until your dd reaches school age.

Remind your dp that your dd isn't a bargaining chip, that you have no intention of moving to Wiltshire at the present time, and that if you were going to move out of London it would be to relocate near your family/friends.

I have a feeling that if you put it to him like this, you'll be no.4 of the women he has 5 dc with.

I also have a feeling that in your rush to have dc you exchanged your verbally abusive dh for a sexually incontinent and equally abusive dp.

stitch10yearson Mon 08-Feb-16 22:51:45

It depends, what do you want in ten years time? This sounds like a really bad relationship. He has already left 3 women with kids, why wouldnt he leave a 4th? Do you really want to lose whatever financial security you have?
It sounds to me that you wanted a sperm donor, and made any and all promises to get one. Now you are backing out of them, it doesnt make you look good.
I suggest you think about what is best for the child in the long term, and take it from there.

FunkyPeacock Mon 08-Feb-16 22:52:21

If that is what he thinks then he doesn't sound like he's worth hanging on to TBH

flopseyR72 Mon 08-Feb-16 22:52:50

we live in his flat which is above his business. i have paid to renovate it though (25K) so not living off him.

flopseyR72 Mon 08-Feb-16 22:54:15

according to him the women left him.......

YeahWellMaybe Mon 08-Feb-16 22:55:31

No I would not. Seriously. Do not do what he wants. Dump him and suit yourself. He doesn't care about you or your baby. He is a selfish shit wanting you to work more and move to where suits him and for trying to bully you into believing you must pay for his sperm contribution to the tune of a second home and supporting him doing minimal work. He has not 'given' you a baby. You sound brainwashed. This is so way off normal I don't know what to say.

flopseyR72 Mon 08-Feb-16 22:57:30

by the way he does have a nice side too. I have had a change of heart since the baby was born in that I want to spend more time with her and not be working really hard. The intensity of the need to be with her and not always at work.i didn't know i would feel this so so strongly until i had her.

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 08-Feb-16 23:03:01

Whatever you do don't marry him!!! You're not being selfish, you both need to be happy about where you're living and that finances are equal - doesn't sound like they would be with his plans!

goddessofsmallthings Mon 08-Feb-16 23:04:44

do you think as he agreed to have a child with me despite being not keen initially that I owe him as he suggests

You owe this sperm donor man NOTHING.

He agreed to have unprotected sex with you because he saw churning out a 5th dc as a way of getting what he wants which is, presumably, to rent his London house out and move to Wiltshire to live the life of a gentleman of considerable leisure while freeloading off you.

Does he pay maintenance for the 4 dc he doesn't see? Regardless, make sure he pays his due for your dd when you split up which would seem to be inevitable unless you're willing to subsidise him for the rest of his life, but even you were fool enough to dance to his tune there's no guarantee that he won't do the dirty on you just as he's done to your 3 predecessors.

I case you didn't catch it the first time I repeat you owe this man NOTHING and nothing but abuse is what you'll get from him when he realises that you intend to stand firm and do what is in the best interests of both yourself and your dd.

Marchate Mon 08-Feb-16 23:04:49

He sounds like the type who would abandon the mothers of his children. Probably the previous partners refused to buy him a house in the country in return for his 'donation' of a baby

You have been used, sadly, like the others. Maybe he should buy his own house & stay away from women!

Anomaly Mon 08-Feb-16 23:06:55

Of course he has a nice side you wouldn't have got into bed with him if he didn't. But you're allowed to change what you want following the birth of your baby. I expect the other women got sick and tired of being expected to do and fund everything and so left him. Does he contribute anything to the children he already has?

YeahWellMaybe Mon 08-Feb-16 23:09:16

Yes. And that's perfectly natural and wonderful and don't let this guy spoil that for you. He is obviously not dad of the year but sometimes these inadequate men get jealous when they see their dp being natural loving mothers/parents. It highlights their own inadequacy and they are jealous of the closeness between you and the baby. Do not let him spoil your time with your precious baby. If you can afford to work less and have more time with your baby then that is what you should do. Not work more hours and have less time with her to pay him back some imaginary debt. Come on. Wise up. You owe him nothing. Don't be bullied into skivvying for him at the expense of your time with your dd. he sounds like a lazy selfish shithead. My god he should be bending over backwards to make life easier for you and his precious daughter. How old is your baby?

goddessofsmallthings Mon 08-Feb-16 23:11:42

i have paid to renovate it though (25K)

Please tell me that you loaned him 25K to renovate his flat and that you have a properly drawn up signed and sealed legal document which sets out the terms of repayment.

If 3 women who had dc with him saw fit to leave him, this man has a serious flaw and I reckon it won't be long before you find out what it is.

flopseyR72 Mon 08-Feb-16 23:13:02

He did pay maintenance. Actually he says the women left him. In the past he was irresponsible drunk and according to them a bit violent ......that makes him sound worse when you write it down! By the way he is a professional and quite generous with cash to everyone hence he can't afford to by a home but owns his own flat/business in London.

flopseyR72 Mon 08-Feb-16 23:15:16

I gave him the 25k for renovation kind of in lieu of rent contribution to bills. Not a loan. Baby is 24 weeks.

YeahWellMaybe Mon 08-Feb-16 23:17:05

Omg get away from him and get your 25k back. You are being taken advantage of very badly. Now you have a child you owe it to her not to let people take advantage of you. It's almost as though you feel you have to pay him to be with you.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 08-Feb-16 23:19:39

In the past he was irresponsible drunk and according to them a bit violent ......that makes him sound worse when you write it down!

Erm, yes, it really does.

LogicalThinking Mon 08-Feb-16 23:21:55

This sounds like a very unsound basis for a relationship.

expatinscotland Mon 08-Feb-16 23:22:07

FGS. I understand the biological clock. Believe me, I do. But a guy who has 4 kids with 3 different women already? And you gave him £25k? Should have gone with a sperm donor, it would have been cheaper. This one cost you £25k.

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