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Just devastated

(529 Posts)
pumpkinmoon1 Mon 08-Feb-16 14:29:50

I have been with my boyfriend for six months. Minor issues about time spent together and effort (or lack of) seemingly put into the relationship from his side. Major issues being that we wanted different things, I want to get married one day and have a child, he doesn't. Another major issues is him alluding to the fact that he was not over his ex after being apart for over 10 years.

We met and clicked, it was great. He told me that he had 'relationships' in the last 10 years, but kept it casual, was always upfront about lettig them know this and the fact that it wasn't going to go anywhere. I should have ran away then, but I stayed. Why? Because he said I was different and he wanted more. He wanted to be exclusive after 2 weeks or datng and soon after wated to label us as in a proper relationship. He did a good job of making me feel wanted and speicla and 'different'. But time went on and things played on my mind.

At 6 months, I still had not met his family. He neevr really told anyone about me unless they found out of their own accord eg saw us together.

Last weekend was a turning point. We were laying in bed talking on a Sunday morning, and he said that he had to go, he always did this on a Sunday. He said that he had to take a keyboard to his parents for his neice as she was having lessons and wanted to practice. So I was a little dissaponted. Not about the fact that he had to deliver the keyboard, but about the fact that I was just sick and tired of being left alone every Sunday afternoon when we could have been doing things as a couple like most normal people. So he thought that I thought he was making excuses to leave. He asked me if I wanted to go with him. This was a first. I thought that we were actually moving forward. I asked him what he meant and said that I bet his parents didn't even know he had a gf, and he said 'nope', but I could wait in the car. I was gutted. Gutted that after 6 months, I wasn't importaant enough to even be mentioned.

Fast forward to this weekend. Sunday again, we wake up and he says he has to go soon. To pick p a TV with his dad and watched the football and rugby AGAIN. I was calm and said that we need to have a talk about this Sunday afternoon stuff and that it would just be nice to do syuff as a couple on weekends. He mentioned the times he saw me in the week (Tuesday and Thursday evenings for about 4 hours each) and I said I understood that but we can't really do anything in the week as we have work the next day, and weekends are better. He then said that maybe hes just not a good boyfried, and that he isn't relationship material. I told him that he could be if he wanted to be.

He then said that maybe because he has been single so long he is jst stuck in his ways and he's used to doing what he wanted. I really can't remember what was said next but we got to talking about the 'casual' relationships he had in the last 10 years becasue he said that the longest they lasted would be about 3 months. I asked who would end them and he said he would for the most part. I asked why and he said that when he tells me I will probably not want to see him again. What I heard next killed me and I am beginning to shake even as I type this. He said that as he was still living in the past as far as his ex of over 10 years was concerned and always had the hope that they would get back together so when she would contact him out of the blue, he would go meet her and that would be how these relationshps ended. He then went onto say that he should have been more honest with me and that he was still in love with his ex, head over heels in love in fact. So I said that he basically fed me a load of bullshit all these months and despite claiming to 'like' me more than these casuals and that I was different to him, he afforded them more decency as he was up front with them. He said this wasnt the case. I asked if he had been texting her behind my back. He said he hadn't but text her at Christmas and New Year but she didn't reply. I asked him if she was with someone and he said she was. I asked him how he knew but he wouldn't tell me. I asked him if she was married (she's 12 years older than him so 52), he didn't say no, but just repeated she is with someone. SO I think she is married and I think she was when she was with him because he absolutely refuses to talk about it. He said that he wouldn't get into her personal life because she has done nothing wrong, so yes, I definitely think she is married. I asked how they broke up but he wouldn't tell me, he knows my views on people who cheat.

So then he said that I'm sure you have a question in your mind. I asked what he meant by this a little while after. He said I was hoping to avoid that, but went on to say that I probably have the question that if she were to text him now while he's still in a relationship with me, would he go meet her, and then he said he would. As if heaving that he was still head over heels in love with her wasn't enough.

Before he left, he started crying and begged me to let him come back later to talk. I couldn't even answer him but hugged him when I could see the tears dripping from his face. He said that he didn't want to lose me but said he knows how stupid that must sound to me. He text me a little later and came back. I couldn't even speak or look at him. He brought cans of alcohol with him which he sometiems does as we usually have a can or two in front of the TV. He asked if I wanted one and I said I didn't, but said he could have one if he wanted, so he did. Then he sat on the sofa next to me put his hand on my leg in an affectionate way and proceeded to make small talk about what was on TV as IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED?

We didn't talk. I was so so upset and we just hugged for hours and cried. He said that I was so beautiful and could have any man I wanted but I ended up with a fucking idiot like him. He said he was so so sorry and that he was a massive dick for all of this and that it is all his fault. I cried that much and got so worked up I made myself sick. We eneded up falling asleep. I was exhausted from crying all day and not being able to eat anything.

We woke up and he had to leave as he had work the next morning. He usually comes over on a Tuesday and before he left he was hugging me and asked to come over Tuesday but he would understand if I didn't want to see him. I couldn't answer. Eventually I said that it's not like I don't want to see him, then he finsihed the sentence and said, but you think might be best not to and I agreed. He told me to think about it and to let him know. He hugged me again by the door before leaving and said that I mean so much to him. It did not help to hear such things, it just hurt more. When he got home he text me as he usually does and said that he was back home,and that he hopes I sleep well an that he wished he could be with me and cuddle me in his arms all night. I replied and told him that I hoped he sleeps well. He then text me this morning saying, 'Morning beautiful girl. Hope you slept well and that you're feeling ok today. I'm still feeling a bit tired and could do with going back to bed'. I haven't answered. I don't know how to respond to that. How a I meant to feel ok today? I have had barely any sleep. I haven't eaten. I am still in my pajamas, I had to take the day off work because I just couldn't face it. How does he expect me to feel ok? Does he not remember what he said to me yesterday? I know he doesn't want this to be over, but how could he think I could possibly stay with him? How could I let him come here Tuesday (like usual) and just be able to carry on? I'll be perfectly honest, I don't want it over either but I really have no choice. Even if he cheated on me, they may somehow be a way around that, but there is no way around the fact that he is still in love with his ex, and after 10 years+ that is never going to change. How can someone still be in love with someone when they broke up that long ago? nd wich someone they haven't seen for over two years.

I don't know how to proceed. I am a total mess.

AlwaysHopeful1 Mon 08-Feb-16 14:40:50

He's admitted how clearly in love he is with another woman. He's also basically told you, that you are filling his time while he's wishing for her to come back to him. I'm not sure what else you need to know.

InThisTogether Mon 08-Feb-16 14:45:20

Ahhh OP this is horrible and without passing any judgement on him or the relationship, I can safely say you do indeed deserve better, This isn't a good basis for a future relationship and I'm sorry to say that , though you don't want it to be over, I think you know it has to be. Sorry for you, take care of yourself.

FauxFox Mon 08-Feb-16 14:46:04

He is not relationship material. He does not make you happy and you do not want the same things You should cut your losses and break up - there really is no future here. His behaviour is bizarre and shows you no respect and, whilst it will feel hard at first, you have only been together 6 months and you shouldn't waste any more time on him.

Look after yourself and find someone better - so sorry but i'm sure you know this yourself already brew flowers

loubielou2 Mon 08-Feb-16 14:46:39

Hopefully this is a gentle response to a very painful situation. It is obvious to me (as a very long time lurker and rarer poster) that you want different things. He wants a casual relationship - you want something more serious. He hasn't told his family about your relationship 6 months in - do you not wonder why? You want to get married and have a child - he doesn't (you said this in your opening sentence). You want to spend time together as a couple - he doesn't. I'm so sorry but he's not serious about your relationship. It seems he "wants his cake"... You need to find someone that deserves you, appreciates you for who you are and who wants to settle down. I hope you are brave enough to pluck up the courage to end it and find someone lovely.

Binders1 Mon 08-Feb-16 14:48:18

Let him go as hard as that may be and be free to be with someone who will only be in love with you and want no-else but you. You've only been together 6 months, better now than in a few years.

handslikecowstits Mon 08-Feb-16 14:51:38

I think you do know how to proceed really - You need to end this completely and find someone who is not in love with his past and wants the same things as you.

Yes, it is hard (been there) but it is in fact, totally simple. Let him go.

Twitterqueen Mon 08-Feb-16 14:52:50

OP, you need to think about why you appear to be desperately in love with someone who really just isn't in to you. He doesn't love you. You're not part of his life. He hasn't told anyone about you. You don't have a life together.

You appear to be in love with the idea of being in love - not the actual reality. Step back. Take a look at how he treats you and how he feels about you. Then I think you will begin to find that actually, maybe you're not quite so love as you think and that there's someone better for you out there.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Mon 08-Feb-16 14:53:14

I think he needs a way to move on, but until then there would be no relationship.

Being married and mother is normal things to want, do you want to potentially not have either because of this man.

This isn't what he wants its how you want to live your life.

I don't think he loves his ex but factuated with her.

ImperialBlether Mon 08-Feb-16 14:54:21

Even without the other woman (who, I agree, sounds married) he didn't sound up to much, tbh. Please say you refused to sit in the car outside his parents' house! What an insult to expect you to do that. I'd be ashamed of my son if he did that to a girlfriend.

He talks about seeing you for four hours etc... I don't think he's ready/able/willing to do much more than this.

In his defence, if he was having an affair that she ended I can understand him finding it hard to move on, but these half-hearted attempts just aren't going to do anything to help him recover.

You can do better than this. There are men out there who want to put everything into a relationship - he isn't one of them.

Flanks Mon 08-Feb-16 14:57:22

I am going to be the brutal one here, fully expecting it to be unwelcome!

It is all in your post, clear as day. He has series of identical cyclical relationships, he obsesses and it always ends the same way. He forms over-committed attachments waaaay too quickly, it is a form of addiction. All the relationships end the same way for a reason, short term (relatively speaking) and badly. Why? Because the emotional investment is greater than the actual investment, which means there is nothing to anchor the feelings or relationship after it reaches a certain time frame.

Hand on heart, if I knew you in person and you told me all of this, I would tell you to jump ship immediately and cut all contact. There is no possible win condition for your scenario, you are already hurt by it and there is no value in prolonging the pain in the vain hope that a miracle may convert a relationship which was always a non-starter in to a happy ending.

I really feel for you, it is more than hard when inside one of these relationships. But once it is over it will be easier and perspective will comfort you relatively quickly.

Chinks123 Mon 08-Feb-16 15:03:54

The sitting outside the car comment would have done it for me, like the PP said I really hope you didn't do that sad I genuinely feel for you because imagining your partner having feelings for someone else is every woman's worst nightmare so to hear him actually admit it must have been really horrible. I know you said how can he still like her after all this time, I'm guessing she was "the one that got away" and he has just never got over her.

The fact he said he would go to her if she texted is all you need to know you will constantly be wondering if he is speaking to her/thinking of her/wishing he was with her and it will eat at you inside which you don't deserve flowers

Iwonderif Mon 08-Feb-16 15:04:20

Listen to all the advice on here. Be brave. You will never change him. He's honestly not that into you, you deserve SO much more. You'll never trust him now. He's being in control of this relationship. He's calling all the shots. Stop jumping through his hoops. Your confidence has taken a huge blow and will deteriorate more the longer you're with him. Luckily it's only been 6 months, that's hard enough but easier for you to recover from. Just remember you'll never change him. He's far too distant & preoccupied in his own life. Initially as I was reading this alarm bells rang as you don't spend much quality time together and he "disappears" every Sunday morning. Said you could "sit in the car and wait for him" probably knew you would turn that insult of an idea down hence why he was still able to do whatever he fancied. In 10 years time he'll still be single and messing with girls hearts & heads. Whereas I hope for you that you'll have the kind of future and life you deserve.

pumpkinmoon1 Mon 08-Feb-16 15:06:56

Thanks so much for all of the responses. I cannot be with him after hearing this. As hard as it will be to let go, I could not be with him knowing all of this. It would just kill me inside every day. I suppose the pain of leaving will be less that the pain I would feel every day for however long the relationship lasted.

Iwonderif Mon 08-Feb-16 15:09:58

All the very very best OP. Give yourself time to adjust and to step forward & move on. It will be worth it. Once you're with someone who wants to spend quality time together, introduce you to his family as he's crazy about you. Someone you can plan a future with. You'll look back on your ex and breathe a HUGE sigh of relief. flowers

FinallyHere Mon 08-Feb-16 15:10:11

Famous MN advice, he tells you who he is and what he wants: It isn't you.

When he tells you this, please listen, especially to the actions. And be kind to yourself, prioritise make sure that you are surrounded with people who treat you well. All the best.

pumpkinmoon1 Mon 08-Feb-16 15:10:12

No I didn't sit in the car and wait for him. I got up out of bed and ot dressed and left him there. I couldn't even speak to him. I had very strong suspicions about the fact that he had not told his parents about me but actually hearing it was a completely different matter.

pumpkinmoon1 Mon 08-Feb-16 15:11:22

What really gets me is that he would be that man for her. I think the fact he doesn't want kids or marriage is because he can't have them with her. He said in the beginning before we were even together that he would have married her and had kids with her. This probably isn't productive at all but I fell angry too. No disrespect to older people and I know that 52 isn't old but that also bothers me, like I can't even compare to a woman who is 18 years older than me and 12 years older than him, a woman who is almost old enough to be his mother and is fast approaching pension age. He has said she was a really heavy smoker too, I can only imagine how haggard she must look. Sorry I know this makes me sound horrible, but these are also thoughts that are swirling around my head and just make me feel vile and sick. I am also certain she is married, maybe even when they were together. That makes her seem even more vile to me. It sounds like a Mrs Robinson kind of situation to me. She must have been 42 when she walked away from him, he would have been 30 at that time. If she found it so easy at 42, why do I find it this gut wrenching at 34 when I have more time than she would have had at that time to find someone else? Another reason why I think she was married and went back to her husband. I also pity him, it must be really horrible to still love someone and want someone after all this time. I cannot imagine living a life like that. I have been in bad places after relationships ended, one in particular when I even went down to 6 st from not eating and staring at the wall for 4 months, I thought I would never ever get over him, but I did. How can you not get over someone?

Lillygolightly Mon 08-Feb-16 15:12:58

pumpkin flowers

How awful. I suspect the reason why he is still in love with his ex is because it was an affair, a very serious and secret one so it would seem. I also suspect that it may still be going on, not in the regular sense, but on occasion which is what keeps him hanging on. He won't enter into a serious relationship because he is waiting for the day she will ditch her hubby and he wants to be available for her if/when she does. It sounds like he is really holding on to her, I suspect that she doesn't hold on to him in the same way and the measure of his love/want for her is unrequited.

The terrible thing about affairs is that you get all the fun of sneaking around, exciting sex (because it never happens often enough to become mundane), don't spend enough time with each other to have to deal with each others annoying habits, deal with bills, argue...all the general day to day life that are the bits and pieces that build a real relationship Thus he is hanging on for a complete fantasy, one that no woman can actually compare or measure up to. He has built her up in his head but its not reality, he has had the reality of other relationships but he will not let himself enter to deeply into the reality of a real relationship because as soon as he does it means letting go of his ex.

He is clearly not ready to let go his ex, I also think despite not wanting to let him go that you should run like the wind. I would save myself the pain and anguish of never being able to compete or live up to the fantasy of her in his head. I would never want to be a consolation prize or second best because a man only settled with me because he couldn't have the one he really wanted.

Yes he may be lovely, and yes he may not want to let go of you either. Fact is, is that yes he has grown attached to you, has feelings for you, but not feelings so strong as they quell all thoughts of this other woman. I have to say I actually respect the fact he was honest and told you that he would drop you like a hot stone and run to her if she so commanded, because as hard as that must have been to hear he has told you the truth and you know where you stand. He has shattered any illusion of the fact that you could win him over her. Do you really want to worry that when you with him every time his phone rings or gets a text that it might be her and the he might be about to run off.

As hard and as emotional as it may be, I would let him go and save yourself a lot of future heartache. It will hurt, but you will be better off without him and you will be ok in the end.

MsMims Mon 08-Feb-16 15:15:33

OP, in the kindest way possible, it has only been 6 months. Far better to find out now than years down the line when you could have had commitments to him that would make moving on much more difficult.

You don't deserve to be treated as second best, cut him loose so you can meet someone who doesn't treat you as something to be kept hidden.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 08-Feb-16 15:16:14

A bf of a mere 6 months duration has told you that he's in love with an ex and always will be and you're just filler until she beckons, at which time he'll ditch you without a backward glance

Your reaction to this news should have been 'I'm very happy for you. Now off you fuck', before proceeding to change your bedding and immersing yourself in household chores to rid yourself of righteous anger at having been made complete fool of by a false pretences merchant who sets out to take the piss out of any woman except the one he reveres. Or you could have called a gf and either gone out or had her come round to commiserate over a glass of wine or ten.

Instead, you let him call the shots and return to your home as if nothing had happened and you then proceeded to indulge in a sobfest which has left you "still in my pajamas, I had to take the day off work because I just couldn't face it".

Have you no self-respect? Tell this loser user to get lost and get yourself back to work tomorrow.

Fwiw, having found someone who's willing to settle for so little, of course he doesn't want it be over. Why would anyone readily give up the satisfaction of having their cake and eating it on a daily basis?

pumpkinmoon1 Mon 08-Feb-16 15:22:16

I am astounded by all the support I have gotten here. I was in two minds about posting, I have been lurking for a while before this mainly reading the posts from women who ask for advice about their bf/husband not wanting children. I sincerely thank you all, I think it is definitely helping me.

Goddessofsmallthings, although harsh it's what I needed to here. I need a kick to the head! I feel ridiculouslu pathetic. But you're right, he will still be single in 10 years. I feel sorry for him for that. How awful it must be to know that your ex will never want you again and that you will never get over it or be able to have the life one desrves and to be happy sad

upthegardenpath Mon 08-Feb-16 15:22:50

Move on OP. It will hurt like hell, but you won't waste any more time on this person. You always deserve better!

upthegardenpath Mon 08-Feb-16 15:24:32

You're not pathetic OP - you are hurting, because you are a decent person. Forget about feeling sorry for hi and how he'll be in 10 years. Focus on YOU - now and in 10 years. You are all that should matter right now. Look after yourself flowers

shovetheholly Mon 08-Feb-16 15:28:32

I think you have to end this now. Otherwise you just gave him carte blanche to treat you like crap. Any complaint you make in future, he can meet by telling you he's been honest with you, and you chose to stay and put up with it.

It sounds to me like he's the kind of person for whom an imaginary ideal will always be better than anything real life and tangible. You will forever be competing, not with the 'dead wife' but with the 'imaginary girlfriend' who has clearly dumped him and moved on with her life. If she is married, then he probably chose her because she was tied, as an alternative to having a proper relationship with someone who was single. Either way, he sounds commitment-phobic, incredibly hard work, and hard-hearted too, since he's able to use you in this way without even feeling guilty.

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