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I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this.....(18 Posts)
I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to word this, tbh I can't believe I even have to write it The first half is kind of background and the lead up to the information that has upset/puzzled me. It may be long but please stick with me.
The weekend just gone was, for want of a better term, a total car crash. For the first time in nearly 4 years me and DP had a child free weekend
thank god for grandparents! so decided to spend it with my best friend of 18 years and her DP. Best friend and I have a history of being very raucous and lairy when we've drunk too much but, tbh, this hasn't happened for a VERY long time.
Anyway, as the night progressed, my BF started getting lairy....jumping on me, throwing things at all of us, gobbing off.....all the things we used to do when we were so much younger. Having known her for half of my life I knew there was absolutely no point whatsoever in trying to reason with her, she's like a puppy when you nudge it off your feet for biting your toes, she takes it as your are playing her drunken game. I have to admit I haven't seen her like this for YEARS but, because I'm used to it, I didn't bat an eyelid or even notice that it was to become a problem for everyone else. That was until my OH grabbed our overnight bag and stormed out, saying he was going to find a hotel to stay in as he couldn't 'take anymore of her vile shit'. I was a bit as I genuinely hadn't seen it coming. He hadn't told me he was getting pissed off but apparently she had been sniping at him all evening. I had heard her saying horrible stuff but, IMO, it was aimed at her OH. Due to OH diva strop my BF, who was totally incoherrent and wasted at this point, disappeared upstairs to bed. Her OH was left looking at us like 'WTF just happened??' He apologised to OH and said this was a nightly occourance....this is when things got
more difficult and lots of stuff came to light......
What he has told me makes it sound like her life is spiralling out of control. She sounds like a functioning alcoholic, apparently drinking upwards of 2 bottles of wine a night [I had voiced my concerns over her drinking a few months back but she convinced me that she only drank a couple of glasses of wine per week]. He is no better, he has been a functioning alcoholic for the whole 7 years I have known him, and refuses to cut down as he really doesn't see his drinking as a problem
think 7- pints a night then a bottle of wine at home and a couple of months back they ended up with the police knocking on their door and breathalising her because she had driven up to a shop following a glass of wine [she has told me this but told me she had been drinking a glass of wine whilst cooking dinner and found they had run out of milk so, without even thinking about it, drove to the shop to buy some. His story is quite a bit different].
2 weeks ago my BF had an incident that has meant she may lose a front tooth. She told me that it happened during a play fight with her OH, totally plausible as they are always play fighting. On Saturday her OH said that that was a lie, he said he headbutted her on purpose as she was going for him. He said that she punches and kicks him on a regular basis, sometimes for nothing, but he had never fought back until that one time. He said that when they split up, just before xmas, it wasn't because of his drinking but he left because he had had enough of her hitting him and he was afraid of what would happen if he retaliated.
I honestly don't know what to do or what to believe. I have known this woman for half of my life, I have always been in awe of how laid back she is [I am the total opposite, firey as hell!]. I have never heard her raise her voice let alone raise a fist, even when her 17 year old daughter was falling, spectacularly, off the rails and was just vile, she remained calm, dealt with everything in the way that I have always known her to deal with things.....as little drama as possible.
What do I do? I'm not sure I can ignore what he said to me, if she is beating him up then this is definitely not ok and she needs to realise what she is doing but, if I talk to her, is this going to make her more angry and take it out on her OH for talking to me about it? Is he even telling the truth? I just don't know what to think or what to do
I don't know, it's a tricky one. All I can suggest is that you arrange to meet them both together and raise the subject out in the open. It does sound like they both have a problem with the drink. Unless they want help then there is little you can do.
She sounds totally off the rails. It seems like you have gotten used to her behaviour over the years and maybe don't realize how in context to what her oh says, that it's all so fitting. I think your Dh was absolutely right to leave. Her behaviour was vile and certainly not to be around.
As you are that close maybe you should speak to her, not about what her Dh said but to gauge for yourself. You might think she wouldn't hurt a fly but you really don't know. She sounds like she does have a problem though.
First of all I think you owe your DP an apology for taking him to spend the night with a couple of functional alcoholics who have a habit of getting
violent and abusive "lairy" when drunk, without warning him.
Then, if it was me, I think I'd phone her or go round when her DP is not there and say "Your DP told me the truth about how your tooth got broken and why you split up. Do you want to talk about it?" and go from there.
Sorry pocketsaviour I disagree. I don't owe my OH an apology, we have been together for many years and we have spent many a weekend with them [usually with all dc present] and my BF has never acted like this in front of him. This isn't the first time he has met them, they are godparents to our DS as we are to their DD . You appear to have read the whole situation wrong, we have known each other from the age of 16 and, from about that point up until about 6/7 years ago, we both acted like that. We both grew up
as you do so it has been a very long time since I have seen her act like that. We have also both known about BF alcoholism and tried, in vain, to help. My BF has never been a functional alcoholic although I now believe the tides have turned and she is now headed that way [if not already there]. This was not known to me before the weekend.
I agree though that I need to somehow broach the subject, I just have no idea how and fear for the backlash on her OH once it's out there
Sorry, that should say 'we both knew about BF's DP's alcoholism'.....my keyboard functions when it wants to
Well, you can't help either of them with their alcoholism. They have to do that, individually. You can say you'll be there for them when they've sobered up and sorted their lives out. That might (only 'might') make them think about things. Meanwhile is keep out of their relationship and keep your kids away from all this alcoholic behaviour too.
I can't see what's wrong with the advice from above poster either. Why would your DH want to spend his weekend with even one drunk?
You can tell her you are worried about her drinking without implicating her OH. Get her the details of local alcohol services and tell her you realise how bad it is and she needs some help. The rest is up to her. The OH and her should probably spend some time apart and sort themselves out. You can suggest that. But really there isn't a great deal else you can do. Don't enable this mess by hiding what you know though.
He headbutted her? I don't think he needed to do that, even in self defence (as he claimed). You have known her for years as non violent. Support her. Sounds like she needs it.
'I don't owe my OH an apology'.
Yes you do, in my world. He had clearly become very uncomfortable to the point of needing to leave. That's pretty serious.
As for the functioning alcoholics, they have to face their demons themselves.
First your dh didn't have a diva strop. he left a horrible chaotic nasty situation probably because he could clearly see it was going to escalate.
My guess is they are 2 alcoholics and you can't really believe anything either of them says. He probably told you some of the truth but also left out lots of stuff about himself. If you talk to her you will get a different story about what happened in some situations but there will be lies in that too.
I'm not sure what if anything you can do except tell her when she is sober that the evening was horrible, that that level of drunkeness and lack of control and nastiness is no longer acceptable if it ever was and you won't be doing it again although you are still her friend. the very worst thing you can do is act like the evening was perfectly normal - because it wasn't but she desperately wants you to say it was. Your dh probably did the best thing by calling a halt to pretending this was a normal way for adults to spend an evening of socialising.
I think you should also consider that you had funny evenings being drunk with her as a student and you grew up and out of it and she didn't. it happens. And that she chose her husband because of how much he drank-because that freed her to drink too.
And finally this:
even when her 17 year old daughter was falling, spectacularly, off the rails and was just vile, she remained calm, dealt with everything in the way that I have always known her to deal with things.....as little drama as possible.
Do you ever look back and wonder why her 17 year old was falling and was so vile? Maybe there was a reason. Maybe the lack of drama you saw was not the full picture and maybe she also didn't mouth off about her daughter because she didn't want to draw attention to why her 17 year old was being vile. Having 2 violent alcoholic parents would be a trial for any teenager.
Sounds like he's physically abusive to her as well. They seem to be in a very toxic relationship.
Your attitude towards your DH stinks.
He was clearly upset by the evening which from what you've written would have seen DH and I making excuses to leave early. You don't see it as an issue that your first child free evening was wasted on your friends and instead think your DH had a 'diva strop'
I think you should give as much, if not more, thought to your own relationship as you you are to that of your friends. Poor bloke
I would have had a 'diva strop' too! sounds like your DH done exactly the right thing, he got out of a horrible situation that he could see had the potential to turn nasty.
Thank you for all the comments and advice.
I fail to see how my attitude towards my OH stinks, the people that have said this have seen just one very tiny snapshot of him/our relationship and I can't see how anyone can possibly make such a sweeping statement from one incident. My OH is prone to making a mountain out of a molehill and be a bit melodramatic but I accept, in this case, he was entirely justified in doing so. I guess that, as I genuinely didn't see it coming, my reaction was unfair. We did actually talk about this last night and we both understand each other's point of view, my main point is that he didn't show any signs of getting pissed off and didn't try to tell me before he got up to leave his main point is that I should have told her to STFU and calm down before it got to that point.
That aside, I know I can't help the alcoholism, especially if my BF refuses to admit the extent of the problem. It's impossible for me to keep a close eye as I live over 100 miles from her now so I only have her word. I can't help thinking that she has allowed herself to be dragged into his drink fuelled world, she spent so many years trying to get him to stop drinking as it was having a huge impact on their lives [he couldn't hold a job down for more than 6 months, he collapsed in a heap and slept on the sofa most nights, meaning their DD would go downstairs in the morning and find him in all kinds of states] but I know she started losing the will to fight it anymore. I do think there is an element of 'if you can't beat them, join them'.
Her OH isn't the DF of her 17 year old DD. The problems with the 17 year old started a very short period after BF announced she was pregnant. She has very much come out of the other side of this in the past couple of months, got herself a FT job and has completely turned things around, she really is an amazing young lady
I guess my biggest concern is the violence. Yes cantmakeme, he admitted he headbutted her but was, apparently, in self defense. I keep swinging between believing him and wondering how she has managed to keep this violent streak hidden for so long and wondering if there is only a small element of truth to it. I could be guilty of over-analysing it, but I just don't know how to broach the subject and I fear for the can of worms it could open up......gah I just don't know!
Glad you've had a chat with your DP.
So your BF has recently had a baby? Hate to say this but pregnancy/birth is one of the common times that a relationship can turn violent.
No sorry I haven't been clear on the age of their DD2....she's 5.
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