Do any of you feel like a burden?

[YesAnastasia]

I'm a SAHM with 2 DC in school (1 is SEN), doing a degree (which we pay for). DH works full time & is often away.

This situation has been agreed on many times, in fact DH wants me to be able to take & pick up DC from school everyday & to study towards a career so we (as a family) will have a stable future.

The problem is when I ask for money. I get an 'allowance' which is for everything pertaining to the house & DC but a lot of the time it isn't enough. eg new clothes for me, large bits of furniture, new coats/shoes for DC etc.

I'm due to go away for the weekend twice in the next month and I have no extra money for either trip. He's just come back from a 'business trip' which sounded very much like a holiday (good for him - I'm glad his work's fun, so is mine) but he says things like 'I don't have to come home to this!' etc.

I hate that I feel like I'm draining him of HIS money. Our lifestyle can change, we can discuss other options. He can fucking leave if he doesn't want to 'come home to this' but I feel really fed up of feeling like I'm (& the DC) hanging on to him, dragging him down.

[BrownAjah]

You feel like a burden because he treats you like a dependant rather than a partner. I am also a SAHM and have gained a degree over that time. We have only family money - I have never had to ask for money ever. The accounts are there for me to use as we need. DH has never bothered to activate his joint account access so I probably know more about our finances than he does!

You are not a burden. Your husband is not a nice man.

[ravenmum]

Come home to you needing money, or what?

What is your weekend trip for - fun or part of the degree? If it's for fun and you don't have the money as a family, it would make some sense for him to say two expensive trips were unreasonable, not as it is his money but as it is the family money. His business trip presumably didn't come out of the family money?

Otherwise, sounds like you need to sort out your finances differently. For example, agree on a fixed sum you need for clothes, travel etc. and which goes into your account - while you both have access to money spent on the home, children's clothes etc. That isn't his money; it is family money. Go over some past bank statements to see how much your average family shop costs, that sort of thing, and it should become pretty clear whether anyone is overspending or claiming more than their due share...

You might also look into how much it would cost in childcare etc. if you were not a SAHM, how much family work he would have to do if you were not there to get the kids, how much you could earn if you were working now, and how much you could earn with your degree. I bet the shirt on my back that the route you are taking is not dragging him down, but actually supporting him. Maybe he needs it spelt out a bit.

[SoThatHappened]

Well if he wants to be relieved of his burden and not come home to this, then he can get out, divorce you, pay for the home for his children to live in, pay maintenance for you and the children and pay for a home for himself to live in. His costs will increase massively if he wants to split up.

Give him what he wants...what a twat.

[YesAnastasia]

One trip is with my DM for her 60th birthday and I'm going on my own to the other to attend a conference related to my degree. Although the hotels & tickets are all paid for, it's not free to go. I might (will) want a drink or two, will need to eat, perhaps buy a paper, film at night etc. I would really like to catch a play while I'm away the second time because I NEVER get the opportunity to go to the theatre & I LOVE IT. I'm not owed it though (and he HAS THE MONEY!!)

He's agreed to all this in theory, I'm not being demanding or high maintenance - he 'wants' me to go just doesn't want to give me money.

The 'coming home to this' is because when we discuss money (which we have to do because I need some) then we argue & I end up telling him the situation which pisses him off & we argue. I spell it out all the time. Then he'll look into what I've spent the money on instead, making me look like I'm a scrounger.

[YesAnastasia]

sothatshappened I said that - almost verbatim - and he said it would be cheaper for him if he did that!!!

[SoThatHappened]

he said it would be cheaper for him if he did that!!!

He thinks two houses, two sets of bills, council tax, etc would be cheaper? WTF?

Fine....let him have it!

[ravenmum]

So you need money which you can afford as a family to do things which any normal person would do...

If he doesn't like being bothered by you asking for money, then you need to arrange it so you don't have to ask. And watch out that he doesn't con you into doing all the dirty work and giving up your career then leave you skint like my neighbour. It's only since coming on Mumsnet that I realised some people don't share the family income. If my ex had suggested it I'd have wondered if he was really committed to a family, or knew what a family was, but I guess not everyone sees it like that.

[category12]

It should be considered family money, not his money, if it's been agreed together that you're a sahm. And that would mean family paid and then equal shares of any surplus. Imo.

If he's not willing to put his money where his mouth is graciously, you've gotta consider going to work and having your own money or splitting. Living with his resentment is going to damage things greatly.

[category12]

Family expenses paid.

[Twinklestein]

If he doesn't give you the money then he doesn't 'want' you to go.

[MoominPie22]

Either he's a tight wad or this is a big red flag for Financial Abuse! I'm also a SAHM. My OH puts a lg amount in my account every mnth so I rarely run out or have to ask him for money.
I'd be mortified if I were in your shoes. He shouldn't b rationing you, he should b putting half ( or a good chunk ) in your account every pay day. I wouldn't b able to deal with feeling so awkward, like a kid askin for pocket money! It's disrespectful imo, and insulting to u.
I'm goin away for a wkend with my best mate as we've got a big joint birthday comin up. He's booked flights etc with money frm his account, cos ultimately ALL the money is OURS. So unless you're a serious spend thrift or a shoppaholic, no way should he be giving u just enough, or less, so ur reg having to ask him. It shouldn't b deemed His or Yours, it's money for u both.
It's not the bloody Dark Ages FFS....do people still call it "Housekeeping"??

[YesAnastasia]

He does put a large chunk of money in my account but if there is anything extra then he decides if it's important enough then gives me as little as possible.

He does say that if I want extra money that I should budget the shopping better and not buy expensive clothes for the children etc. I guess that's true. but he gets to control the savings & shares and other things while I'm scrabbling for bargains in Primark for the children? I don't really mind doing that if I had to but I would definitely do without things for myself to buy good quality food/stuff for the DC.

I hoped there would be someone else out there who felt the way I do. Clearly not. Bit depressing really.

[ravenmum]

You shouldn't be made to feel like a burden when you are not, so yes, definitely depressing if you do feel like one! I didn't feel like a burden when my ex fussed about spending his wages; I knew I wasn't overspending and that he was being unreasonable, so I felt angry.

[Joysmum]

My situation is similar to yours. I was a SAHM and have studied and been a cater with DH family too.

In our household, all income is household income and after household expenses, DH and I have an equal share of what's left.

I don't ask for money or 'extras' because with have equal amounts. I've never had to ask permission or justify spending, nor has he, because what we do with our money is up to us.

I can't understand why others don't see themselves as equals in this way (whether they are both earning unequally or one not earning at all). All the time we are in agreement as to our work and earnings then there's no arguments. If DH disagreed with me setting up for myself and thought it better to get a job then I'd not expect him to support my shortfall. As it is we are in agreement so no issues.

[MsMims]

Sorry OP but he sounds horrible.

He is shaming you for asking to enjoy the same privileges that he does. If the allowance only covers household expenses and your DC then it isn't enough, no matter how big the chunk of money is. Does he never spend any money on himself, especially when away from home?

Also, if he is often away then he enjoys the luxury of only really having to allocate the mind space and practicalities of looking after number one. If you're running the household and looking after the children single handedly most of the time then you're even more deserving of some time away to relax.

I couldn't live feeling like I had to beg and plead for money.

[MoominPie22]

Well it sounds like u both have to sit down and do the budget again with consideration to a certain amount as leeway, cos as you allude to, some months are just more expensive than others.
Obv not every mnth will u go away or even buy clothes for the kids etc, then there's kids hols where we spend more, birthdays etc....So mayb sit down and work out the finances and upcoming outgoings for say, the nxt 2 or 3 mnths, so he knows in advance there's sm extras to budget for coming up.
That's all I can suggest really. It's the most sensible and practical way of doin it and therefore should save u goin cap in hand to him as the odd extra in the future will b planned for. No nasty surprises for your OH
But he should def not be making u feel like a burden.

[YesAnastasia]

Yep, he isn't horrible but we do need to sort stuff out.

[Joysmum]

If he isn't horrible then after all you bills have come out, including everything for the household and kids, you'll both have equal share of disposable income in your current accounts to spend or save as you see fit.

If he's resistant then he doesn't value you equally and that makes him horrible.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You are not a burden but he is making you feel like one. You are certainly being financially abused here.

"The problem is when I ask for money. I get an 'allowance' which is for everything pertaining to the house & DC but a lot of the time it isn't enough. eg new clothes for me, large bits of furniture, new coats/shoes for DC etc".

That is a red flag re financial abuse.