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Advice re toxic mother please!

(8 Posts)
RayofFuckingSunshine Mon 08-Feb-16 08:45:42

I haven't posted about this before, but currently need some advice. I'm going to apologise in advance for the length.

My mother is extremely toxic. Functioning alcoholic, quite abusive growing up, narcissistic tendencies. You know the type.

In August/September time I decided after yet another drama to go non contact. I had just found out I was pregnant with my second and really didn't want the stress of dealing with her. There were a couple of instances of contact wherein I simply replied telling her I wasn't interested and then ignored, eventually I stopped replying all together. Although it wasn't easy, there was lots of guilt tripping and I still feel personally responsible for her but I do know that I will get over that notion eventually.

The past couple of weeks she has stepped up trying to contact me. Calling and texts, no physical visit yet. If she does turn up I will simply call the police, I've had a very difficult pregnancy and really don't need the stress of that argument. I can't change my number or move house right at this moment, although am likely to move in the next 12 months or so. Changing my number isn't an option, and for my own sake I decided not to block her number until I had moved and was able to just change my number (it gives me a feeling of safety. She will always contact me via text or phone call before stepping up and going for physical visits. While she can still arrive at my door, I like knowing I have a little warning).

I know the usual advice is to just meticulously ignore, ignore, ignore. Which I intend on doing. I'm not going to pick up the phone or text back, no matter how tempting it is. But her contact is becoming really hard to handle. I jump every time my phone goes off, or spend the next two days crying and panicking and upset. Last night (she was drunk. Usually is during these episodes), she repeatedly phoned, then started sending text messages telling me how horrid I was for stopping her from seeing my daughter. I eventually just put my phone on silent so I didn't have to deal with it, then woke up this morning to a voicemail (how I know she was drunk) telling me two members of my family are dying and I need to contact her and be part of the family, and that I'm a vicious bitch for not caring that they're so Ill. I do care, but I can't have contact with the rest of my family because of her, unfortunately.

Now for the purpose of this novel. I spoke to my husband this morning and it's clear she appears to be stepping up her game. I'm concerned about where it will end. She has my husbands number so could start contacting him, she knows details for his family members so could track them down on Facebook. She has a history (not with me) of malicious reporting to social services which I keep expecting, given she knows where we live. She knows my daughters school and various other details that mean she has a variety of options open to her. I'm debating making a solicitors appointment today, to get them to write to her stressing that her behaviour is harassment and explaining what will happen next if it doesn't stop (potential criminal charges, I'd also happily proceed to a civil injunction if it continues). I genuinely don't want to resort to courts and things, I just want her to go away and live her life, leaving me to mine. Does anybody have any advice or experience of using solicitors to get rid of contact from toxic parents? Does it work, or is it likely to make things worse? The last thing I want to do is piss her off so much that I end up with even more problems but I really need to feel like I'm doing something, and that she understands completely that I'm not changing my mind.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 08-Feb-16 09:30:53

Call 101 and get some advice from them.
If you have made it clear you don't want any contact from her then it could be classed as harassment.
The Police can tell you though.

Pipachi Mon 08-Feb-16 18:37:10

Hi Ray, please stay strong! flowers

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Mon 08-Feb-16 19:29:18

We never went down the solicitors route, but the only thing I would say to do ASAP is to inform the school that your DD is never to be picked up by your mum.

I'd be more inclined to speak to the police about it, a solicitors letter doesn't actually mean anything in itself (apart from a bill for you) and if she felt like it she could then reply via the solicitor which could end up costing you more money.

RayofFuckingSunshine Fri 12-Feb-16 19:06:46

Sorry it took so long to get back.

I ended up having a solicitors appointment, she said she was happy to write a letter but as long as I had proof of the unwanted contact up to now, she would advise changing my number then phoning the police direct if she shows up. To that end I got brave and changed my number, so I won't have any warning if she plans on turning up. I do keep telling myself it's unlikely though. We live slightly over an hour away and she only bothered once or twice a year before I cut her off anyway. My step dad sent me friend request on Facebook today though which has set me on edge again. I deleted everyone over new year (including my brothers, which was tough, but I couldn't risk news of the birth getting back to her when it finally happens).

I'm hoping they just fizzle off now until I get moved. I'm currently in therapy to deal with the issues I have and my anxiety, doesn't help when there always seems to be something to remind me that she can currently show up when she likes.

something2say Fri 12-Feb-16 19:42:07

Well done for doing that.
Keep a note, a diary of incidents.

But also there is one more thing. She doesn't know that you have cut her off, or does she? I told mine and told them why. It made it easier for them to understand x

RayofFuckingSunshine Fri 12-Feb-16 21:35:12

She does know. I've asked her on more than one occasion to not contact me, and told her that I don't want a relationship with her. I didn't go into the ins and outs but it was right after she he got horrifically drunk and started being really aggressive with me in front of my daughter that I first said enough was enough, then followed it up the next time she contacted me with a reiteration that contact was to end.

something2say Sun 14-Feb-16 12:20:02

Good, brilliant.
Then, keep a diary and either report to police or try a diy non mol. You can print the form from the Internet, easy to fill in. But a non mol is all about the accompanying statement. Two to three pages worth.
Four copies of the form, your local civil court, a hearing which mother will be entitled to attend....et voila X good luck X

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