Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does a new baby arriving warrant a day off school?

(52 Posts)
mummytippy Sun 07-Feb-16 21:24:59

My ex and his GF are expecting a baby. The due date is the 15th Feb.
Our ds should have had contact with his dad this weekend but did not at the request of my ex after he contacted my ds on Thurs eve to say they thought the baby was on its way.

Our ds had a day trip on Sat which I took him to on behalf of my ex... and up to midday Sat I was on 'standby' as to whether I was to take my ds to his dad or not after he returned from the trip. In the end my ex contacted me and requested I keep our ds with me.

My ds rang his dad tonight and no sign of baby? No labour... Nothing?
In fact his GF was running a bath for her ds so not sure what Thursday was about apart from an excuse to get me to dash about getting my ds to his trip and back on my ex's behalf angry

Contact takes place EOW for my ds and his dad and the fast approaching upcoming HT our ds is scheduled to be with me. It is on a Court order. This was at my ex's request at the final hearing with my ex opting to have the Oct HT which he had in its entirity last year. At this point he also knew his new baby would be due on or around Feb HT.

I can see their happy event is going to happen at somepoint this week and I don't want to be caught out by having to particularily sacrifice any of my holiday time with my ds for him to go off to his dad. I have plans and bookings on certain days. In view of this, I was wondering if the birth is in the next few days whether a day off school would be appropriate?
Eg, My ex collect our ds from school and bring him back the next evening...
Or my ds wait until the weekend and go next weekend (Fri eve - Sun eve) but insist I get the first weekend of the Oct HT in return?

I am reasonable and am thinking of my ds's best interests in being able to bond with the new baby but at the same time it was my ex who took me to Court 2 years ago and he was a complete &%@{ when it came to extra contact last year... even our ds's birthday... he allowed me 2 hours after school because they were having a ''family party''. I don't want to seem bitter but some things are hard to forget. I'm still strying to make up for lost time with my ds.

Sweetsweetjane Sun 07-Feb-16 22:18:13

It's his new sibling. There's going to be so much feeling about that plus his dad having left and made a new baby. Give ds whatever it takes to help with this process. He's at school for a huge part of his life, one day off for a new baby is a small thing in the great scheme of things.

pocketsaviour Sun 07-Feb-16 22:22:38

If he's still in primary then yes I'd say a day off would be fine, provided his attendance record is otherwise good.

bibbitybobbityyhat Sun 07-Feb-16 22:23:04

Sorry, its all very confusing. Does your ex and his gf want to have your ds on the day they have the new baby?

In what way does the birth affect your (you and ds) normal, daily routine?

mummytippy Sun 07-Feb-16 22:49:03

Thanks all.

My ds's attendance is 100% and yes he's at Primary school.

Me and his dad split when my ds was 18 months old. He's lived with me all his life bar 12 months after my ex went for custody... but that decision was reversed and he's back with me. He did not enjoy living with his father... so he doesn't miss him as such and has settled back with me perfectly.

My ex and his GF has not specified anything and as I've said he knew when we agreed hols that his baby was due and he specified the school holidays he wanted. I was surprised he did not want Feb HT because of this.

I understand it's my ds new half-sibling and its importance. I just don't want to be manipulated by my ex when he had set his stall out on the holidays and has just mucked me about this last weekend. I feel cynical and now he's not had him for contact on his weekend as planned and looking back think he has arranged the hols this way so he can interupt it... obvs the baby is going to ne celebrating birthdays around this time every year too.

gallicgirl Sun 07-Feb-16 22:57:53

I'd leave it and he can wait until his next scheduled visit. If his dad particularly wants your son to visit, a couple of hours would be fine to meet a new baby.

BackforGood Sun 07-Feb-16 23:02:08

I'm a bit confused.
Do you mean that you think the baby is likely to arrive one day this week.
You aren't actually away on holiday, but you aren't willing to be a bit flexible and let him go over to his Dad's in the half term holiday because it's your time, so you are asking us if it's OK to have a day off school this week to do that?

If I've got it right, then, I think it would be silly for him to have a day off.

Do they live a long way from you? Can you not pop him over after school until early evening to meet his new half sibling, then let them spend a bit more time at the weekend / one day in the holiday? confused

bodenbiscuit Sun 07-Feb-16 23:03:23

I think you have to completely forget how you yourself feel (difficult I know) and decide based upon what is best for your son. Have you asked him what he would like to do?

hownottofuckup Sun 07-Feb-16 23:06:25

I'm sorry to say you might need to steel yourself and DS for them not wanting him around when new baby arrives. The HT may have been picked particularly because of this.
I would leave it till the next expected contact personally.
Re DS bonding with his new sibling, IME this comes later/through time anyway.
If your ex mentions anything just say you are thinking of his DP and giving them a chance to settle in with new baby first. It's hard to argue with that.

mummytippy Sun 07-Feb-16 23:14:22

Thanks Gallicgirl

I was going to wait for him to get in contact when it happens, as that will be before the next scheduled visit.

I'm happy for my son to go and meet his new half-sibling... definitely no problems there as I look at things from my ds's perspective.
I just don't want my ex putting me in a position where the oweness is on me and I'm making suggestions. I want to tell him how it is (in a reasonable manner... make my ds available) but for it to be on my terms especially after what he put my ds and me through.

Prior to him applying to the court he had always had open contact but never bothered to visit our ds outside of the EOW arrangement.
After court the school hols ended up being shared (he works so our ds gets palmed off).
There was no need for him to apply to the family court, it was done out of spite and he told some terrible lies about me in order to be awarded custody. Fortunately I dispproved everything - which resulted in my ds coming back to me.
My ex is now even more vengeful than ever through this and I'm just tired of it all. This new baby will be his 4th child with 4th GF. I hope the basis for my feelings make sense.

mummytippy Sun 07-Feb-16 23:17:35

Backforgood there is a 2 hour drive between us. I'd prefer my ds not to have time off school. He has an aversion to driving so I'm happy for my ds to see his new half-sibling but I won't be driving my ds to his father.

wannaBe Sun 07-Feb-16 23:19:25

Be the bigger person. This isn't a game of "he did ex and now I shall do Y." As tempting as that is, The only person who can be hurt by the to-ing and fro-ing is DS, and if he wants to meet his new sibling and his dad wants him to meet his new sibling then you are utterly unreasonable to say he can't until it's his dad's designated contact time.

As hard as it is you need to be led by your ds on this one, assuming that your ex wants him to meet the baby asap.

Fwiw I pretty much didn't make any plans for us for around two weeks before his dad's new baby was born and was braced for the fact he may come back to me last minute if she went into labour. but we have 50/50 and are flexible anyway, but even if not, this is a new brother or sister for your ds, and while I appreciate that this might be hard for you (been there, done that,) your ds may well be excited about the baby, or alternatively he may feel apprehensive that a baby will push him out of his relationship with his dad. Either way it is important that he be allowed the time to meet his sibling when he wants rather than when you dictate*.

wannaBe Sun 07-Feb-16 23:21:45

"this is his 4th child with his 4th gf." that has nothing to do with anything tbh. While I might raise an eyebrow at that as well and certainly don't think it's ideal, criticism of a woman with several children by different men wouldn't be tolerated on here, so the same should apply the other way around.

mummytippy Sun 07-Feb-16 23:23:17

Sorry Backforgood... due date is 15th and last Thurs my ds was told the baby was coming.

It could be one day this week... and I'd prefer him not to have a day off school really. We do have plans for HT as I'm still making up for the lost time with my ds from last year when he was with his dad during term-time.

I don't mind him going over for a couple of days but want to know if everyone thinks I'm within my rights to want the time back in the Oct HT. I know there's a new baby... but why should my precious time with my ds be sacrificed when I've sacrificed so much already.

mummytippy Sun 07-Feb-16 23:25:16

wannabee I was just trying to give you an idea of his sticking power in a family environment. It is different for women. If multiple das - the children stay with their mums whereas dads tend to leave.

IguanaTail Sun 07-Feb-16 23:28:16

It's only a day. It's petty totting it up and then taking it back in October (or whenever). Let him have an extra day.

hownottofuckup Sun 07-Feb-16 23:28:38

Stop beating yourself. Your priorities are DS and you. That's it. And from what you've posted you already have a good handle on that.

IguanaTail Sun 07-Feb-16 23:28:49

It shouldn't be about "your precious time" but about what would be best for your son.

cestlavielife Sun 07-Feb-16 23:30:04

Asking for time back in October puts you on his level.
This is ds meeting his sibling. Let it go. Say nothing. Be the bigger person.

hownottofuckup Sun 07-Feb-16 23:30:22

How old is DS? If he's 5 or over his school is unlikely to sanction a day off for that. Would ex pay the fine for him to be there?

mummytippy Sun 07-Feb-16 23:30:54

BodenBiscuit
My ds was excited on Thurs when his dad rang to say the baby was on it's way but then didappointed he didn't bother to phone him again. I had my ds call his dad and baby not on way... I think he'd like to go over - naturally and I don't want to stand in the way. Just not prepared to lose out on my time with ds. If I can have that time back during a future holiday, I'd be fine with that.

mummytippy Sun 07-Feb-16 23:39:44

My ds is 9. Iguanatail, my time with my ds is precious. I understand a new sibling is important ad I am not emotionally upset by it at all, infact I wish his GF luck... she will need it.

What I don't get is my ex wanting me to have the Feb HT term hol, and him the Oct HT knowing his new child was due to be born!!! I can't help but feel he wanted it that way on purpose in order to lead me a merry dance once baby arrives...

mummytippy Sun 07-Feb-16 23:43:26

Hownotto... Not sure he would pay the fine... He'd probably expect me to ring the school!

hownottofuckup Sun 07-Feb-16 23:46:55

There you are, if he doesn't want him enough to sort it out himself, that's all you need to know.
Re DS and sibling relationship, meeting a new sibling at 2 hours, 2 days or 2 weeks old isn't the thing that's going to make the difference to their life long relationship.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 07-Feb-16 23:47:02

You may find dad does not want to alter or change anything outside of usual contact unless he cannot have DS.

Meaning he might have no interest in having him a different time.

I can see you are fretting but on the upside you appear to be fretting about how you can accomadate his wishes but there is no point because you do not know those wishes.

Just wait until he makes a request and decide if you can accomadate it or not,if you can you can if you can't that's ok as well.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now