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Nothing shows he cares like sending me out late in the dark

(157 Posts)
Musicmay Sun 07-Feb-16 15:02:33

So when it comes to taking the dog out over the park before she settles for the night my husband thinks it's fine for him to stay at home and make me go over in the pitch black. Bear in mind I'm the only one who takes her on decent walks every day (not an issue I love it) so its not a case of me not doing my fair share of taking her out.
Also on holiday recently we go back to the hotel after dark in a foreign country and had forgotten to buy something for our child. So he was on the phone sorting something out and refused to go. Said nothing like "take your phone so I know you are ok", nothing.
I honestly have never been with anyone before that would not worry in the slightest and actively tells me to go out in the dark, whethere its 7am or 1am!.
I've spoken to him about it but he does genuinely not get it. I actually feel like if he really couldn't care less about my safety I want to leave him!
Am I being precious or is this really not on?!

Musicmay Sun 07-Feb-16 15:04:09

Was meant to read 7pm or 1am.

Quoteunquote Sun 07-Feb-16 15:05:00

Maybe he is scared and doesn't want to admit it.

Namechanger2015 Sun 07-Feb-16 15:05:20

It's really not on! My ExH once told me off for catching a cab home at 2am and said I should have walked as it's cheaper.

It shows an utter disregard for your safety or emotional wellbeing. Twat.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 07-Feb-16 15:09:38

What happens if you ask him to accompany you on these late-night walks? I'd be insisting he comes as you're no longer confident going out alone. His response will tell you what you need to know. But I think you know it already.

Joysmum Sun 07-Feb-16 15:10:27

I'd not be concerned about going out in the dark (given how many women are out jogging or walking their dogs when I'm out I'm not alone in that) so wouldn't see any of your OP as an issue. I certainly wouldn't need to be told to take my phone confused

That said, if you're concerned about going out in the dark, it's up to you to express that and say he's to come with you, or go out earlier and let the dog into the garden before bed, rather than doing another walk.

Men today are damned for being concerned for women more than men, of dawned if they aren't.

AlwaysHopeful1 Sun 07-Feb-16 15:10:48

Yanbu, blatantly shows he doesn't care. Not much of a man is he.

Joysmum Sun 07-Feb-16 15:11:22

*or damned if the don't.

pocketsaviour Sun 07-Feb-16 15:13:30

Well statistically he's more likely - twice as likely - to be attacked than you are.

What does your H say when you ask him to go instead? Have you told him that you're afraid to be out alone?

Said nothing like "take your phone so I know you are ok", nothing.
So you normally leave your phone at home when you go out on your own late at night? hmm

Musicmay Sun 07-Feb-16 15:15:04

Hi bitter it's a case of one of us staying in the house as our child will be sleeping at that time. It's not every time but definitely getting more frequent.I just do it as it's not fair on the dog.

Musicmay Sun 07-Feb-16 15:19:54

Joys and pocketsaviour, I have told him I don't like going out in the dark.it doesn't bother him. I'm not exactly what you would call needy or a wimp but it's really creepy over there at night. He's a black belt in ju jitsu and I think he'd be much better and confident at defending himself than me if anything did happen.
My point about the phone is obviously not me needing to be told to take it but him checking would be just an example of expressing a little bit of concern towards my safety.

ImperialBlether Sun 07-Feb-16 15:23:02

He's lazy and selfish and doesn't give a damn about your safety.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 07-Feb-16 15:26:23

I'd find it hard to stay with someone like that, he sounds a bit of a twat

pocketsaviour Sun 07-Feb-16 15:27:22

My point about the phone is obviously not me needing to be told to take it but him checking would be just an example of expressing a little bit of concern towards my safety.

I think you're really reaching there. Do you also expect him to say "Don't forget your coat, it's cold out there" or "Have you got your packed lunch?" before you set off to work? You're an adult - you're capable of looking after yourself when you leave the house!

Have you asked him why he doesn't like going out at night? His behaviour sounds avoidant - as does yours. Why not just walk the dog earlier and let her out for a pee last thing, like many people do?

Musicmay Sun 07-Feb-16 15:32:40

Pocketsaviour I think you are purposely missing the point. Maybe I should have worded the part about the phone better and said something like I would appreciate him expressing even a tiny bit of concern by calling me while I'm out or asking me to call him. I honestly do not need him to "tell" me to take my phone and you know that's not what I'm saying.
I asked a friend yesterday about what her other half is like about her going out in the dark she said he hates it, but of she does it anyway he insists she calls him as soon as she arrives where she is going and while she's on her way. To me this shows he cares. So no I do not need instructions off him on how to dress or what to take its just an example of showing a bit of concern as you already know.

MrsKCastle Sun 07-Feb-16 15:41:10

I'm a bit on the fence with this one. Personally, I would find it patronising for my partner to express concern about me going out in the dark. I'm an adult and I don't feel I need looking after. So I do think you're a little unreasonable to expect him to be concerned about you.

However, I can also recognise that walking the dog in the dark is not something you enjoy or want to do and you have made this clear to him. That being the case, it shouldn't always fall to you- the job should be shared, or he should do it more often, simply because if one partner hates a job and the other doesn't, it makes sense to use a bit of give and take.

Joysmum Sun 07-Feb-16 15:42:05

I'm with Pocketsaviour.

I'm a modern woman who considers myself equal to any man and is self sufficient and self confident. I'd be irritated by being reminded about a phone or being molly coddled.

Men can't win.

That being said, if I had concerns about anything then I'd tell hubby come up with a solution, rather than just being passive.

mrsfuzzy Sun 07-Feb-16 15:42:53

a black belt really ? sounds a bit yellow in my opinion. i would not stay with some one who ignored my safety.

Musicmay Sun 07-Feb-16 15:45:09

The dog can't go in the garden she digs holes etc and leaves it a right mess. To answer why I don't take her out earlier it's because I work shifts so it's not always that easy. Also she won't be taken out until I'm either up and ready at around 8.30am or back from a night shift around the same time and that's a long time for a dog to go without a wee.
The actual issue isn't really the arrangements about the dog it's the fact he is more that happy for me to go out in the dark wherever that may be and for whatever reason knowing i dont like it when he is perfectly capable to do it himself. He spends most of his spare time in the gym buliding himself up and doing various fighting etc then comes home and sends me out in the bloody (secluded) dark. I just expect a bit more concern to be honest.

mrsfuzzy Sun 07-Feb-16 15:45:41

joysmum sadly not all women are confident like you sad

bakeoffcake Sun 07-Feb-16 15:46:12

The point is YOU don't like going out on your own late at night, in the dark, so he is being an uncaring twat.

Itisbetternow Sun 07-Feb-16 15:48:53

Don't walk the dog. Let it out in the garden if it has had a long walk during the day. You are being a Martyr. He doesnt care whether the dog gets a walk or not so ultimately it is your choice. I'm not saying he is right but that is the issue.

Musicmay Sun 07-Feb-16 15:49:10

Mrskcastle this is really the only time he has to take her out and I'm the only one taking her all the other times everyday and for her long walks which is fine as I really do enjoy it but I would say the job is more than shared.

LuluJakey1 Sun 07-Feb-16 15:54:06

It does sound like he isn't bothered when you describe it. Perhaps he just never sees it from a woman's point if view about how vulnerable being alone some places after dark feels. If you live somewhere safe, he might never think.

I sometimes go for a run in the dark and DH never asks me not to but he will ask if I have my phone and always rings me.

He would pick me up if he knew I was walking by myself somewhere late at night but if I go out with friends I usually walk from the station- about 1/4 mile because it's safe and I never worry.

My dad used to let my mum take their dog out by herself at night and they lived somewhere very open. He just didn't think and she was always a doer and he was less so.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 07-Feb-16 15:55:59

I'd be more annoyed if DH insisted he'd go because I am a weak female and he's tough and can defend himself!! I'm sorry this is a sill argument - you want to be equal but not treated like an equal.

Why not take a very long walk and see if he rings then if it worries you too much?

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