Ex wife trying to divid me from friends and family?

[1DAD2KIDS]

OK short back ground. Me and my ex wife are separated and divorce is in progress. She left for another man eventually leaving me with the kids (I guess they didn't fit her new life). She told some whopping porkies to cover up the affair. She played a horrible game of stringing me along hinting she wanted to try again while secretly cementing her arrangements in her new life with her new man. Turns out she had no interest with working things outs. Basically I don't think she is capable of telling the truth.

Anyway now we have had months of time apart and clear space I had time to think about a few things over the years that don't add up. Basically I have this sinking feeling that all through our relationship she has told porkies or put a different spin on things to turn me against friends and family. So I will give a few examples of the things that I have been thinking about.

First of all she had always said that my mother never liked her. But my mum always seemed to me she liked her. When we were younger we return from our holiday to a lovely surprise 21st birthday party my mum a arranged for her. My mum did lots of nice things her. If she did like my ex why would she do these things? Also she used to go on all the time that it was clear my older brother was my mums favourite. I never saw it my self. Do you think she was trying to turn me against my mum?

We used to be friends with another couple. She always used to claim that female friend in the couple was two faced, stuck up and thought she was better than everyone else. I just used to think that my ex was may a bit paranoid or could she things about this girls personality that I couldn't. Anyway a few years ago my wife told me this girl had told her that she seen me kissing another woman on a night out. This was of course totally false. So I believed that our friend was deliberately telling lies to split me and my ex up out of jealously or something. My wife always claimed this other girl was jealous of our relationship. So obviously we fell out with this couple and stopped talking/seeing them. It has recently come to my mind that maybe it was my ex that was lying and maybe our friend had never said that to her?

My daughter loves playing with her older cousin (my bother and his wife's kid). My wife has always said to me that my niece is very spoilt and jealous of my daughter. She always said it wasn't a good idea for them to hang out together too much as my daughter would get bad habits. My ex was always critical of my niece. Anyway she then started to say we shouldn't leave my niece alone with our daughter as she puts her down all the time and tries to hurt her. Anyway since the separation I have become a lot closer to my brother and me and the kids have been round a lot. I have never seen any of this between my niece and my daughter. In fact they play together great. My niece (an only child) threats her like a little sister and my daughter just cant wait till the next time to her cousin. She asks to go see her all the time. Did my wife make up a smear campaign against my niece and if so why? What would she have against a 9 year old girl?

I went for a cuppa the other day at my cousins (dads side) house. My ex always said my cousin and my mum didn't like each other. They always seemed to get on fine to me but I always assumed my wife could pick up on things that I couldn't. My wife told her that my cousin had told her that she had a deep dark family secret and that's why my mum and her didn't get along. But speaking to my cousin she was speaking highly of my mum and it seemed to me very genuine. Do you think this deep dark secret was fabricated by my wife? Could it be an attempt to undermine my trust in my family?

The above are just a few examples but there was a few things that always sounded a bit odd. She was my wife and I trusted her beyond question. Plus many of this things she said were too big to question. But with the affair and the whopping porkies I have realised that she is a very good liar and willing to tell lies not matter how outrageous. So I do now wonder do the things above sound like she was playing mind games with me? If so what was the game plan? Or is it me being paranoid? Has anyone on here been in the same situation?

[FredaMayor]

Sorry, OP, but what does 'whopping porkies' mean?

[0hCrepe]

One thing is for sure and that is you have had a lucky escape from this controlling woman. Sounds like you still have a good relationship with your family despite her. I think when someone has betrayed you so badly like she has you look back over your entire relationship as if they had some long term mission to ruin you. I actually don't think that will have been her intention. Instead I think each of those things reflect her need to try and control you, a jealousy of any of your affections or attention going to anyone else.

[Hissy]

Cheats lie. They live in a universe they create.

Thank god this woman has gone, thank god the kids have you.

Make contact with all those you wish to make up with and if need be apologise for believing a liar over them.

I bet your wife was the one that was caught kissing... She just got in there first so that the friend was discredited...

[VintageTrouble]

Well she may have said those things because they were true or she believed them to be true, she might have said them because she wanted to isolate you, or because she was jealous of the close family and friends you had? She might like to create drama, there are lots of possible reasons.

I would say 2 things. Firstly it doesn't matter why she did it, it sounds as though you are close to your family, and it may be time to see if you can make amends with your old friends. Secondly, I predict there will be more and more of these instances that come back to mind over time when you have a lightening bolt of understanding.

Just be thankful you are not with her anymore. Have you posted about your ex wife before? I whole pretending to be making amends but planning on going sounds familiar.

[arsenaltilidie]

Time to look forward, she's the past. Understanding why she did it is of no benefit to you.
She sounds negative, looks like you had a lucky escape.

[1DAD2KIDS]

By whooping porkies = big lies the sort you wound questions (at least if you trust someone 100%).

I think now my gut was right. I was always a bit uneasy about these things. Luckily it never really let it break down my relation with my family. We are very close and even though I believed what she was saying I was always to diplomatic to cause any drama's (thank goodness). But it definitely made me question my family.

Funny, one of the things she said for why she left was because I always sided with my family. She blames my family alot for why she ran off with another man. But my family are pretty cool. She tells everyone it's a lot to do with her family too.

But I really fell guilty now for the things I believed and the good people I lost contact with. I feel like a right mug too.

It broke my heart losing her. But in the light of day maybe it is a lucky escape for me and the kids. She also had anger issues and had hit me and thrown things at me in the past. Maybe I was always stupid to shrug it off. But I am a pretty big guy and used to play rugby. I am used to just bouncing beats off. I think now although she didn't hurt me that bad (normal a dead arm or leg) I should have been more concerned about the intent behind the physical stuff. She would also start massive arguments over nothing as I she just likes an argument. But I did love her so much (not anymore that has gone) and we had some great times and loving moments.

[Hissy]

(((Hug))) oh love, it does not matter if you were a big lad, played rugby or whatever, she hit you. She lied to you and wore you down.

Now you've said this it's clear what her intentions were; to destroy your support network.

Thank god you have the kids with you. That's the best thing ever.

You are a victim of domestic violence and that is no reflection in you. It can and does happen to every kind of person.

IME, the brightest, bubbliest, popular but vulnerable or easily trusting people are often targets.

I've met hundreds of victims of DV, and they are all awesom people.

Onwards.

Do you think it will help to look at therapy/counselling?

Talking here is pretty damned useful if you can't face a "real" person..

[1DAD2KIDS]

Wow. A victim of DV, that has hit me hard. I have never had it spelt out like that.

I feel so blind not to see it. I have never had a problem standing up to bullies and I can look after my self (4 tours of Afghanistan in my previous career). I just thought it was normal for us.

I feel bad. My ex is no monster. I loved her with all my heart and she was there for me through tough times. She had a hard upbringing and some difficult tramatic things happen to her in her youth. Of course I do wounder now as I cant verify any of the stuff she told me about her youth. I am still very close to her family and they have raised some alternative acounts. Either way I know she's not a monster.

I have had some counselling provided by my employer. It was very much focused on what I needed then to deal with the pain and grief of losing the one I love and the betrayal. It's only now looking back I have started to thing that something wasn't right through out our relationship.

[coffeeisnectar]

Classic DV. Isolate you from everyone and control you. Just because you are male it doesn't mean it's not DV.

I'm glad you have the kids. Make sure you claim child maintenance through CMS. She might have walked away but financially she needs to support them.

You may want to think about counselling to talk this through to make sense of your thoughts. Also have a read of the relationships board. There are so many threads with the same sort of thing you've gone through.

[pocketsaviour]

If a partner hit you, that's DV - nothing else matters, not the intent, not the circumstances, not whether you're the man and she's a woman. And definitely agree with PPs that she was deliberately isolating you.

You might benefit from a read of Why Does He Do That - it's geared towards the abuser being male as that is the most common dynamic, but just reverse the sexes in your head if you know what I mean.

[1DAD2KIDS]

She didn't break down my support network. I stayed close to my family. I could see things from her point of view but there was always something in the back of mind. I have never fell out with my family. At the end of the day my family are family not mater what they did fictitious or not. I have a close loving family.

I am not sure if it's worth talking to my friend and asking her if she ever told my ex she seen me kissing another woman?

[1DAD2KIDS]

But I think it's obvious now she gave it a bloody good go.

[Ginkypig]

You saw them but I bet you had two truths.

You probably would subconsciously not tell things to your family/friends you knew your wife wouldn't want you talking about or not mention to your wife things that might cause her to have a problem with somone in your family/friend. It like having two lives and you probably didn't see it like that you probably just thought it was "keeping the peace"

Does that sound familiar op?

[1DAD2KIDS]

I suppose to a certain extent. I always knew my ex was wired a bit different. Often I would just think she got the wrong end of the stick or maybe just be a bit paranoid. It's only over the last couple of day I thought actually maybe she was deliberately trying to drive a wedge between me and my family. That's alot of the stuff she has said was probably lies with the premeditated aim of splitting me from them.

[Hissy]

My ex told my (at the time) only friend's husband that I had been in a mental institution.

We'd lived in Egypt for 3yrs, they don't do mental illness. He wanted her h to ban his wife from talking to me.

Even said to me not long after choose me or her -- my answer was HER.

I'm so sorry if I shocked you, that wasn't my intention, and I know it will cause you discomfort, but trust me, it was and it wasn't your fault.

Sure all abusers have sad dysfunctional stories, doesn't do their victims any less harm. I still fight agoraphobia that i developed living under his rules, he ruined so much of my life that I'll never get back.

In glad you have family, I didn't. I think if you are able to talk to your friends, you may be surprised at what you hear. In a way, had she not hit you, you might never have realised what the situation is. Now you do, you'll be able to recover more and better.

[Hissy]

Abusers aren't monsters all the time, they couldn't be, it they'd not get what they need which is people to control and feed off.

Maybe you won't get this yet, it takes time to absorb everything, and you're still reeling.

Sorry again, keep talking, many of us know what you have been through and we here to help.

[bobs123]

OP she sounds like a female version of my ex. He was always trying to ostracise me from my friends and family. It took me years to get my head round it. These are some of the things he came out with:

My parents favoured my brothers more than me
My brothers would do me out of any inheritance I might get
We were never invited out by friends as none of the women like me (I had to check that one out as I really started thinking no one liked me)
He resented me spending time with friends or family and was always belittling them.
He resented me doing things for other people.

Loads more. I am well out of it. Think you are too!

[1DAD2KIDS]

I think it's time to truly get my head out the matrix and do some digging. I think I will ask some of my friends if some of this stuff was true and what they thought of her. For my piece of mind I need the truth so I can say for sure this wasn't all in my head. It's so confusing, still so much about are relationship and why she left makes no sense.

[Hissy]

I found The Truth to be my saviour. Be prepared for some of the things you hear to shock you, but know that this is not about you, it was her choice.

I once told him that to make me look bad, he had to lie.

To make him look bad, all I had to do was to tell the truth.

Start by being truthful with yourself. It's the ultimate kindness. Allow yourself to let the thoughts come to the fore and look at them in turn.

You are a good man, you are a good parent. People love and cherish you.

It's this she couldn't handle, she craved it so Tried to take it from you.

Remember we're always here? Come test stuff out on us and we'll be objective.

[1DAD2KIDS]

The last few days have been hard but insightful. I am seeing the past so much clearer now. I talked my friends wife the other day and asked her about the accusations she made about me kissing another woman. She was shocked and upset and said she knew nothing of it and I believe her. I hard to take that my wife made such lies with aim I guess of drinking me from my friends.

I feel so guilty that I turned my back on good friends for all these years because of her lies. I know it sounds strange but I think that was the reason I had been feeling so ill the next couple of days.

I went out for a beer with a good friend of mine last night. He said something that suprised me. He said that non of my freinds really liked her. He said he alway thought my ex was OK but he never really spent any time with her as he been working abroad for years. I didn't notice that they didn't like her as they are good people and always did their best to make her welcome. Come to think about she never really appear to gel with friends wifes/GF's. Do you think the ladies could pick up on something I couldn't?

I just can't believe I trust her for all those years. I know if could trust someone 100% ever again. Or more to the point I wounder if I could trust my self to pick someone who is worth trust. I sort of wonder should you ever trust any 100%?

[Hissy]

Glad to see your update, was wondering how you were doing.

Nothing you have said hear surprises me.

She would have put on a show somehow for you, but the mask slips a bit sometimes. Others would have seen, or just picked up on something not being quite right. Mostly because they are not involved with her. We always see the best in our partners, overlooking the odd thing here and there is what keeps the day to day ticking over. You get into a routine so you don't see things, it's normal.

You will get past this one day, the main thing is to focus on forgiving yourself. You didn't distance or allow her to isolate you on purpose. She had a plan, you didn't know.

Will you ever trust 100%? Should you even? Dunno, can't answer that, similar boat you see :)

All you can do is be yourself and believe that most people are good, and have faith and hope for the future

Time is a great healer, the truth in everything will help you feel better.

[1DAD2KIDS]

I sorry to hear your in the same boat.

Your right about seeing the best n our partners. I suppose I did always overlook the things she said and done that didn't deep down did feel right.

I shouldnt be suprised any more either. I seems every day now I am uncovering examples of her manipulation. For example the last couple of years she said she tried to plan a suprise birthday for me but she would get no support for the idea from my family. On reflection why would she even tell me that?

Thanks for your words of support. I suppose I have a lot of things to mend now (including a few bridges). I just feel really bad for the people I let down.

[Hissy]

I'm 5 years on. I have hope and faith that I'll be able to trust again.

There are lots of stages in recovery, lots of stages in getting yourself ready for the next stage in life.

For now just focus on you, your dc and making life happy again for you all. Your friends will be happy to have you back without the unpopular appendage. They will understand.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

dv is mainly portrayed as men hitting women (due to the stats), thus it is harder to spot/name for what it is when a women is the perpatrator. It is tough enough as it is. it was socially acceptable in old films etc for a woman to slap a man round the face. Also men are supposed to be the strong one. you are going to have to deal with an extra layer of emotion/sorting out the crap in your head that it has caused as it is the more unusual way round.

and there is a lot of crap to sort. still dealing with it five years on, though that may be because the five year anniversary has just passed. Things were ok, then something crops up that reminds me.. like hissy says there are lots of stages to recovery.

[Sighing]

You're free OP. That's a good thing. Now you need to let yourself be free of her influence as well. You could pick away at every weak thread. But .... she's gone. She's ultimately untrustworthy. Don't spend time/ headspace on picking it all apart.
Let go of any trust in her. Trust your own instincts from here on in, don't discount your own opinion on people so readily.
Best wishes for a freer and more relaxed future.