Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Staying friends with a sibling's adulterous ex? Anyone done it? WWYD?

(19 Posts)
amoamasamat Sat 06-Feb-16 23:13:13

Various details changed bet you can't guess which :

So I'm very close to my cousin Kevin- he's like a brother. Kevin married a lovely girl from Peru, Sofia, and they live abroad with their six children.They have built up a successful business together from nothing, making hand-crafted cuckoo clocks. Over the years we've become really good friends with Sofia, and we visit each other, or see them at family events at least a couple of times a year. I feel like Sofia is as much family as Kev.

Sadly Kevin has found out that Sofia has been having a very long term affair with a cuckoo dealer and they are divorcing. Everyone is devastated. She is begging him to forgive her but the betrayal was too great and they are currently not able to speak to each other calmly although they are somehow managing to keep the business going. I have spoken a lot to Kev and he's having a tough time but I haven't spoken to Sofia yet.

Now it just happens that dh and I live in the small village where the annual international symposium of cuckoo clocks is held and every year for the last ten years Sofia has come to stay with us for the week to exhibit clocks. She's booked to come and exhibit as usual this year.

So here's the WWYD.

Do I contact Sofia and let her know how sorry I am that she shagged someone else for many years but that we still love her and want to remain friends?
Do I invite her to stay for the symposium as usual (or is that stabbing Kevin in the back)?
Do I stay completely clear of the whole sorry mess, say nothing and risk bumping in to Sofia in the village pub?
Or do I show total loyalty to my lovely innocent anguished cousin Kev and turn a cold shoulder to Sofia?

Has anyone stayed friends with a sibling's adulterous ex? Has it caused hurt and family ructions?

I'd love advice on this one.

headexplodesbodyfreezes Sat 06-Feb-16 23:26:57

I am sure that my view will be the opposite to the prevailing one smile

I just think that you never really know what goes on in other peoples' relationships, and it isn't actually your business. Relationships fail all the time, and back in real life there is often an overlap. Yes, its not ideal, but I don't think it should be the basis on which other people attribute blame.

I don't get the need for taking sides. If you get on well with her and want to stay in touch, just tell her that and arrange to see her. No need to make a big drama out of it. If Kevin has an issue with it, don't invite them both to the same place and don't get drawn into their issues, but maintaining a relationship with them both really shouldn't be impossible.

Vintage45 Sat 06-Feb-16 23:41:43

I'd just stay out of it too.
As another poster said, you have no understanding of what goes on in a relationship.
They still have a business together and you are still entitled to like the women on her own merit.

SongBird16 Sat 06-Feb-16 23:44:46

Generally I'd advise staying out of other people's relationships, but since this woman appears to have shagged someone else behind your cousin's back for several years, and is now begging forgiveness (rather than offering mitigating circumstances), I personally would show solidarity with my innocent family member and give her the cold-shoulder. I doubt she'd expect anything else tbh.

SongBird16 Sat 06-Feb-16 23:48:02

I'm not talking about tarring and feathering, but reckon she can find a nice hotel for the duration of the cuckoo clock convention.

It's no loss, why on earth would you want to stay friends with such an unprincipled shit?

ClaraBorne Sat 06-Feb-16 23:52:02

I'd give her a wide birth this year, wounds are too open. Next year maybe.

ClaraBorne Sat 06-Feb-16 23:54:18

The clock thing might give too much away about the people involved, cuckoo clocks sound quite niche!

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Sat 06-Feb-16 23:54:29

No, I think I would pretty much sever ties with 'Sofia'. I would remain loyal to my family.

The annual cuckoo clock symposium made me grin I don't know why. thanks

Vintage45 Sat 06-Feb-16 23:56:05

Ask your cousin.

springydaffs Sun 07-Feb-16 00:03:05

Loyalty to family. I'm amazed you have to ask.

I'm not saying you should cut her out etc but inviting her to stay is a massive step too far.

And of course ask KeV how he'd like you to play it in general - but don't ask him if she can stay at yours.

choceclair123 Sun 07-Feb-16 00:18:51

Loyalty to family first. I'd avoid / ignore.

AlwaysHopeful1 Sun 07-Feb-16 00:19:22

I wouldn't want anything to do with her let alone someone like that in my home. Family first?

Vintage45 Sun 07-Feb-16 00:22:54

I don't actually blindly stick by a sibling. There are always two sides to a story. I am friends with my brothers ex.

harrasseddotcom Sun 07-Feb-16 00:28:37

If you have good relations with her usually (sounds like you do) then i would continue this and offer her the usual stay. No one is privvy to their relationship. I had an in law who cheated on her partner, at first i was totally disgusted with her (didnt say anything to her). Then after speaking to her and the family member it became totally apparent that the cheater had been living a life of abuse (not physical) for years. Doesnt excuse her actions but does explain them. Then after about 6 months they got back together and everyone was expected to act as though nothing happened. Thank god i hadnt taken sides.

Joysmum Sun 07-Feb-16 07:15:37

I'd speak to Kevin and ask him how he feels about it then go with what he wants.

wannabestressfree Sun 07-Feb-16 07:25:57

I would also speak to Kevin especially as there are children involved.

TeamEponine Sun 07-Feb-16 07:27:33

I have. For two reasons really.

The first and main one is that she is the mother of my DN, and therefore will always be a part of our lives. Additionally, if things turned nasty during the divorce (luckily it hasn't yet) I thought it was important that someone from our family could stay in touch with her on a neutral basis, for the sake of DN. I don't want them to ever feel torn between two opposing families, so I provide the bridge. I've been very open with DB about this and he is grateful for it.

The second reason is that, although she did unforgivable things and things that can only be blamed on her and her decisions, I also know how difficult my DB can be to live with. An affair is unforgivable, but I know that the marriage was breaking down long before that happened, and both are equally to blame for that.

I'm not in touch with her quite as much as I used to, but we do text and meet up occasionally, but only with the children.

Hamishandthefoxes Sun 07-Feb-16 07:36:23

I did. I spoke to my DB and we agreed that he came first but his wife had been part of the family for a long time and we were close irrespective of their relationship.

They got back together and are still together 15 years later. Again now we have to act like nothing happened at all.

amoamasamat Sun 07-Feb-16 14:56:14

Thank you everyone. Your replies all echo the thoughts I have swirling round and I agree with you all confused .

It makes me feel a bit better that most people agree it's way too soon to invite Sofia to stay. (My head said perhaps I should, but heart says I really don't want to). So I think I'll go with letting Kevin know that if it helps him and the kids then Sofia can always stay, no questions asked. But I'd guess Sofia will prefer to avoid us like the plague this year.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now