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Is this my boyfriends way of letting me know he doesn't care?

(8 Posts)
ElisaBlue Sat 06-Feb-16 22:42:41

Hello all - I am feeling very hurt and upset and need a sanity check on this before I have a talk with my boyfriend tonight.

Basically: my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. I think he is fantastic, we get on really well, we rarely argue and I was certain that we were on the same page about our relationship as we honest about what we want our futures to look like, how we invision our lives together, etc.

Two weeks ago I had to move out of my current flat because of problems with my flatmate (she is incredibly messy to the point that we got mice because she keeps food and rubbish in her room and never cleans up). My boyfriend told me I could move in with him so I have been staying with him. At this same time, the company I was working for went bankrupt and I lost my job.

My current lease is up on my flat on 1 March - my boyfriends lease is up on the same date. I had suggested to my boyfriend that we sublet a friends flat for two months together as neither of us had a new place to rent sorted. He said he would think about it. I also told him how stressed and scared I am because I don't have a job (but I do have enough in savings to cover rent if he and I share a place for a month or two) and I can't afford rent my own place until I get a new job. I also am not from where we live and don't have any family or friends near by so I don't have the option to stay with them until I get back on my feet (although I am very independent so this isn't normally an issue)

Today my boyfriend was out running errands and sent me a text saying that he would be out for the afternoon because he is going to view a flat that he is thinking of renting with two of his friends. I was shocked to hear that as the last time we talked about it I thought he was considering living with me temporarily. I am feeling hurt and scared because he clearly doesn't seem concerned that I don't have a place to live nor do I have the funds to sign a new lease by myself.

I really don't know what to think or feel about this. Am I being selfish by expecting him to consider my situation?

I just feel like if it was reversed and he was suddenly without a job and was going to be without a place to live in a couple of weeks I would go out of my way to make sure he was okay.

Thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks!

Casmama Sat 06-Feb-16 22:45:34

That's really shitty! Not only does it show that you are not a priority but it also shows he is a total coward who would send a text rather than speak to you about it.
So sorry for your situation

ImperialBlether Sat 06-Feb-16 22:45:37

I can see his point of view, tbh, but I think he's handled it really badly. Maybe he's thinking he'll live with his friends and you can stay with him for a while? He's clearly not ready for you two to live together.

I'm really sorry you lost your job and your home. Can you go back to your parents' home for a while?

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 06-Feb-16 22:46:39

I think he is definitely letting you know he's not ready to live with you. Whether that means he doesn't care I don't know.

A year isn't that long into the relationship to be living together so I don't blame him for not wanting to just fall into a living together arrangement for convenience when it his plans anyway.

If he is also helpful and supportive about you finding somewhere to live and a new job then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Otherwise take the hint that he doesn't see a future for you.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 06-Feb-16 22:47:26

*When it isn't in his plans anyway.

Corygal1 Sat 06-Feb-16 23:07:52

Coward and a really awful thing to do. Can you flatshare for a bit? Would be a lot better than hanging round with him - you might even enjoy it.

HeddaGarbled Sat 06-Feb-16 23:13:15

Moving in together permanently is a really big step. It should be a positive choice made because you are both ready to make the commitment, not because your leases are both up at the same time.

He seems to have been happy for you to move into his place. Did he think this was temporary?

When you suggested you rent a place together, he said he'd think about it. If things were going well with the living together and he is sure that he wants to be with you permanently, surely this would have been an enthusiastic yes?

Either he's feeling steam rollered by you and is trying to put the brakes on or he isn't as committed to you as you are to him. Is a year long enough to know if someone is "the one"? I don't know. I don't think he wants to settle down into domestic bliss with you yet anyway.

I think you are right to see this as a bit of a wake up call and to be thinking about alternative and independent arrangements.

AlwaysHopeful1 Sat 06-Feb-16 23:28:22

I'm sorry about the job and your place, that sounds like bad timings.
Your bf took the cowards way out instead of speaking to you but I understand his point of view.
A year into a relationship is very little time, and moving in together is a big commitment. Maybe he felt that you not having a job would mean he has to now support you as well. The circumstances of you both getting into a lease together isn't great. That's what's probably scared him off.

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