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Advice on finding DP

(6 Posts)
Czerny88 Sat 06-Feb-16 19:50:19

I have been single for over a decade apart from a few very unsatisfactory flings. All the men I have got involved with since my last relationship have been some combination of emotionally abusive, controlling, untruthful and unable to commit.

I have tried OLD, singles parties, speed dating, evening classes, residential courses, asking friends to set me up with people, and have been in therapy for about eight years.

My longest relationship was two years, I have never been married and I have no children (in fact I can't have children). I turned 40 the year before last. I am well-educated, reasonably attractive, have a good job and although quite introverted and not socially inept.

I miss, to varying degrees, companionship, affection, physical contact, sex, someone to do things with at the weekend. I think about this every day and feel totally despondent. I am the only single person in my extended family and have very few single friends. I find it very hard not to be jealous of other people's relationships, especially those who have met new partners during my period of singledom.

So does anyone have any advice or should I just top myself? sad

Heartbroken4 Sat 06-Feb-16 20:57:11

I am coming on to say, don't top yourself ... as to the rest, you are articulating many worries I have about my new situation, so I shall read responses with interest.

Czerny88 Sat 06-Feb-16 21:14:25

I won't, don't worry. (Although it wasn't meant as a poor attempt at a joke - I have felt that low about it more than once.)

Cloverene Sat 06-Feb-16 21:24:41

There is a hope.

A friend of mine, mid 40s, met her 15yrs younger partner a few years ago. She is great fun, solvent, homely, stable etc. He is young, very handsome and highly intelligent. On the surface, people thought he was crazy to be with her. What they didn't know is that he grew up in a very fragile home and has/had a deep craving for a stable home. My friend happened to have exactly what he needed/craved and he was exactly what she needed.

I guess what I am trying to say is maybe you need to take a different approach to relationships? I know it sounds clinical, but maybe look at it like a business transaction. What are you offering and what do you need?

LionHearty Sat 06-Feb-16 22:33:21

Do you have male friends? I think that is one of the main problems as we get older is our social groups become almost exclusively single sexed.

Perhaps think of ways to get to know men socially without an agenda.

Czerny88 Sat 06-Feb-16 23:04:34

Yes, I have male friends (although most of them are in couples). My social circle isn't enormous, but it's not especially small either. I'm not sure what other ways there are to get to know men socially...? I'm not sporty and don't go clubbing, but otherwise I think I've cast my net fairly wide. Also, it doesn't seem to make any difference how or where I meet the men I have been involved with - the end result is always the same.

I know I have problems with attachment which are presumably at the root of everything, but if nearly eight years of therapy (twice a week for nearly seven) hasn't sorted it, what the hell will?

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