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Tell me we're not the only couple like this...

(3 Posts)
Puffling1985 Sat 06-Feb-16 18:32:56

(I can't post in the sex forum as I haven't been a member for 90 days yet, so I'm posting this here instead - hope that doesn't land me in trouble!)

Bit of background - I have been with my partner for almost 6 years. I have had all manner of hangups about sex from a very young age. I never experienced any abuse and was never told sex was bad, but I find it incredibly difficult to enjoy it and let myself go. To make matters more complex I am on antidepressants which have more or less eradicated my sex drive and definitely taken the edge off my orgasms sad.

When we first got together we did have penetrative sex (we waited a few weeks - see hangups), but probably nowhere near as often as other new couples in their mid-twenties. Then, seemingly out of the blue, it started to hurt for me. So much so that we haven't been able to have intercourse for more than 4 years. Of course this has been stressful and not nice for my partner, which in turn has made the whole issue of sex very loaded. My friends, with whom I can discuss a lot, don't understand how we can be a couple but without having intercourse. We are very close and cuddle a lot, but our sex life seems to consist of having non-penetrative sex once every 3-4 weeks. My partner has been an absolute saint about it, I'm not sure I would be nearly as nice if the boot were on the other foot...

I have repeatedly sought help for the painful sex issue, and we are now getting counselling through Relate. We started a few weeks ago and it (combined with reading the MN forums) is making me realise what we're missing out on, and how far I still have to go, even if the physical aspect is resolved, and it's making me sad. Several HCP have reassured me/ us that this is a really common problem and there are loads of couples who only rarely have sex. I think I just want to hear for myself that we're not the only couple without kids that aren't constantly shagging, and that there are other young women (I'm 30) who have real trouble having intercourse and find it very difficult to relax and enjoy sex.

Haggisfish Sat 06-Feb-16 18:38:24

You're not alone. I have sore patch of skin-we have to use lots of lube and sometimes lignocaine gel. I'm only really horny for about ten days mid cycle. We have non penetrative sex about three times a month, but in the space of those ten days.

AliMonkey Sat 06-Feb-16 19:11:42

Not just you. Been together 20 years. No PIV sex until we married 15 years ago (my choice). Hurt from the start. Discovered lube which stopped it hurting but still didn't enjoy it so was pretty infrequent. Last three times we had PIV I conceived and my youngest is 8. Occasional non-penetrative sex (twice a year?) but really don't have much interest - quite enjoy it when we do but never think "would like to have sex tonight". DH's sex drive relatively low too but know he would like it more often - suspect he would be over the moon at once a month given current situation! But stuck in a rut and nor sure hiw to get out of it - though I have said to him that if he was more affectionate towards me generally then I think I might be more up for it.

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