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Another woman in our relationship (business partner)

(14 Posts)
RedFlagsandAlarmBells Sat 06-Feb-16 17:50:05

Wont do a long story here. In a nutshell:

Partner went into business with someone who used to work for him around about the time we got together. At the time we got together I was a year out of a divorce from a 14 year marriage and didn't trust any of those little warnings (in my insides) that were flagging up around this lady.

7 years on and weve split twice both for 6 months ish at a time. Usually to do with the amount he works and how absorbed he gets in new projects at a cost to us his family and uncomfortable I feel trying to be part of his world when it comes t the business. Its a restaurant.

Last year...the old restaurant was loosing money after its first few years of success. They decided to close up before it became a point of no return look for a different location and a new concept. It meant he moved approx. 2 hours away. He made this decision without me, we split. The new business meant he would be moving out and over there.

Its doing really well and he has jumped through many hoops this past couple of months. I wouldn't speak to him at first. We laid all cards on table and one deal breaker for me was that he has to have a family life with us, we have to beable to be part of his world and he has to be part of my world. On this he asked me to visit the new place and said that I would be made to feel welcome.

We got back earlier today. Had a fab time, we had dinner with some friends, did some sight seeing etc. His business partner however blanked me several times. I wasn't expecting us to be bossom buddies but my plan was to do the...saying hello and hope you had a good Christmas, place looks really good type of thing. Nope. She walked past me at one point, I said Hi place looks really good...she carried on not even looking saying thanks. Those alarm bells and red flags are ringing and waving again. I don't know what it is with this woman. Theres something just not right

She is a massive part of my DP's older lady...very heavy set with strong eye make up. Don't feel they have cheated but somethings not right.

Im wondering if this is a deal breaker....I don't think I can have her in my life in anyway shape or form. Shes never accepted that my Dp has a family. Hes always said they are like brother and sister. I think if I carry on trying to go over there...Ill get upset in the end and pull her up. (Already done this and it doesn't end well. She says his personal life is nothing to do with her). I see arguments ahead. I don't think I can do this relationship again. I do love him. Something just isn't right when it comes to this lady

RedFlagsandAlarmBells Sat 06-Feb-16 17:50:23

Sorry did long story in the end

Cabrinha Sat 06-Feb-16 18:02:18

You absolutely should not trust her, because of the heavy eye make up hmm

Look, sorry to be harsh, but this woman is irrelevant. You two have split twice already for 6 months at a time.

How is it ever going to be any different - especially with him running a notoriously long hours business, 2 hours from you?

The business partner is a red herring. She sounds rude - but she may simply not like you because your husband has said / given the impression that you're difficult because of the splits. Not because she's involved with him. Or simply because you've "pulled her up" in the past. My BF's female business partner would surely dislike me if I suggested she was after my BF!

Whether he's involved with her or not, yours is not a relationship that is working. Your problem isn't with her, it's with him. If you trusted him, Ms Eye Make Up wouldn't bother you.

Joysmum Sat 06-Feb-16 18:03:18

I remember early in my relationship with my now DH, it was a difficult time and I'd talk to my mum. My mum heard only the bad and took against my DH and assumed we'd split up.

If someone you love hears about the negatives in a relationship they can lose perspective and just be angry that your partner isn't good enough for you.

Nanny0gg Sat 06-Feb-16 18:34:33


Do you have children with him? You mention 'family'. Yours or yours and your DP?

Timetorethink Sat 06-Feb-16 20:49:01

I don't think that if there was something going on between them that she would blank you.

But I don't think that she is really the issue to be honest

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 07-Feb-16 00:06:15

Your partner will always be married to his business. Either you're happy with that, or you aren't.

It sounds like you're not.

RedFlagsandAlarmBells Sun 07-Feb-16 00:20:07

Thanks for posts, it's interesting to hear others views.

Dtweens are from my first marriage, Dp has pretty much raised them.

We split the first time because he would come home after working from 10-10ish. She'd still ring him despite that she'd see him the next morning and had just left her. That bit of time we had together in an evening was precious. Hed answer incase it was emergency. We split after she rang him to tell him something funny after 11pm despite seeing him next morning and spending all day together. He went mad with her but it was too weird for me...I felt like other woman.

Second time was because the day my Dad died she said she was too ill to handle the day on her own...he went far away from family....I went to a cafe and sat for a daze. I didn't have anything to say to him after that.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 07-Feb-16 01:16:12

You might be shifting blame to this woman when it's your partner's workaholism which is really behind each incident.

Do you believe he will change?

Joysmum Sun 07-Feb-16 07:13:06

I think it's a case of a problem with him,rather than her.
They were both happy with their relationship, you're (rightly in my opinion) not happy with it so of course she's not thrilled with you, even without taking into consideration that your partner isn't happy that you're trying to change him and she'll be on his side.

manandbeast Sun 07-Feb-16 08:48:08

Personally I think she has overstepped the mark with late night phone calls etc.

That said, the real issue is with your husband as other posters have pointed out.

SlowFJH Sun 07-Feb-16 08:58:41

OP You sound overly suspicious, needy, insecure, unsympathetic about what it means to try to sustain and then restart a business and actually not particularly nice " an older lady...very heavy set " - as if that has any relevance at all.

I would say finishing around 1030 is actually quite early for a restaurant.

If you want a partner who will only work 9-5 you should move on.

PatriciaHolm Sun 07-Feb-16 09:13:17

Your partner is a workaholic. After 7 years and 2 splits already, he's not going to changes, is he?

She is a red herring. Your partner is the one you are in a relationship with, who has moved 2 hours away to work in a business that is by its very nature all consuming and requiring late hours. Even if she disappeared tomorrow, or became your best friend, it wouldn't matter. He's the problem, and if you can't live with someone who puts their work first all the time (and why should you) then maybe it's time to walk away.

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