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My 13yr son is so upset

(10 Posts)
Angieyy1 Sat 06-Feb-16 16:51:56

My son asked to see my ex today he doesn't know we split up... I hadn't told him as I'm struggling with it myself as its only just happened... And I love him so much and want him back he's made it clear it's over but Iv done nothing but text him the last couple of days which has made me feel worse as he hasn't replied.

Today my son asked when he could see him and I said I wasn't sure when I would be asking him or if I would again he turned his head away and started crying I can't tell you how sick I felt seeing that and how I still feel sick now.... I told him I was so sorry and started crying too.

This is the first time Iv seen him cry I asked him to talk to me and tell me what he was thinking and feeling he just said no I don't want us both to be upset.

I tired to avoid this conversation as he's very quiet and I knew he would be so upset.... I feel terrible thats he's going through this.

I had one partner before this and he was around him and then the split with his dad. In all honestly I'm devastated for us both and feel sick that I have put my son through this pain..... It makes me wonder what kind of mum am I......

I will concentrate on him but he's so quiet it's hard to get anything out of him..... It will hit him hard as he was around his girls and family through holidays and Xmas ect....

I sent him a text and asked him to pls not do this and how Iv told my son as he asked and he cried and that he just doesn't realise how much he though of him and Iv heard nothing

Any advice would help I'm feeling terrible

Ready123 Sat 06-Feb-16 17:10:43

I am so sorry - it must be very difficult for you.
I think you need to cut contact with your ex now. He has made it clear that it is over and I think that telling him about your son risks coming across as emotional blackmail. I know it is hard but your son is obviously very sensitive and at an age where he needs stability. You need to focus on him and being the best Mum you can be.

Can you book something nice for you and your son to do? Ideally something active so that you are distracted and have fun with him.

I remember my Mum suffering a bereavement when I was 13 and she was absolutely devastated. The weeks of hearing her crying so often and having no energy or enthusiasm for life were the hardest of my childhood. I still remember it vividly years later. Please try to be strong for your son and remember how lucky you are to have each other and how much he needs you.

flowers

forumdonkey Sat 06-Feb-16 17:22:14

I'm sorry but as much as it hurts you need to get a grip for your sons sake. You say your son didn't know you'd even split but when you said you wasn't sure he burst into tears? This was a two year relationship and as much as you are struggling with the break up and your feelings your son should be priority to that. He is far more important than some bloke who was only in your life for two years. As hard as my words are, that is the reality. Your sons childhood is very short, too short for this shit. Get out and do something nice for the important man in your life - your son

usedagain Sat 06-Feb-16 17:26:57

Don't use your sons upset to try and emotionally pressure this man into responding to you. That's just pointless and low. If the relationship is over , and it sounds like it is, then go no contact right now and concentrate on your life with your son... Be truthful with him, what's the point in lying ?

forumdonkey Sat 06-Feb-16 17:30:40

That's what I got from the OP too usedagain, another excuse to text him. i will be honest I found it very hard to think that a teenage lad would break down in tears when he didn't even know you'd split, only that you wasn't sure.

Angieyy1 Sat 06-Feb-16 17:44:19

I have been so good in front of him to the point he knew nothing was wrong at all..

We have been to the gym together today and we are going to the cinema this eve.... There is no way I will let him see me go down I did that with his dad and I will never do it again.

I guess you right about coming across as it looking like emotional blackmail... I speak from the heart I have always done ....

Angieyy1 Sat 06-Feb-16 17:54:51

My son is sensitive... And yes I have texed him as to be honest I wanted him to know the consequences of his lies and what effect it has not just on me but my son too he only asked in the new year to move with him to his home town in Front of my son so why shouldn't he feel guilty for what he has done .... My son is my priority.... And I am allowed to be hurt upset angry and grieve the loss of future for both of us.... Their is no point in texting him anymore as he made it quite clear now he doesn't want me and yes I'm angry that he's led me on for the best part of a year so I have said everything I need to say now to him ......nothing else can be said and yes I feel humiliated and that's my own doing so now I can heal I hope concentrate on my son ....

springydaffs Sun 07-Feb-16 00:15:43

Look, it's fine to cry with your boy: you're both upset. It's also fine to tell ex the consequences of his actions. From what you're saying the split was a surprise - you can't suddenly cut off the way you communicated previously. It takes time.

My advice about your quiet boy is don't ask him directly to talk about his feelings - he will clam up. Instead, get involved in a project together - preferably something practical - and he will probably talk naturally over time. Ime boys 'talk' better whilst involved in doing something; they don't (in general!) do that 'sit down and talk' thing.

It may be your boy an continue to have a relationship with ex if that is appropriate. Ouch for you but many are in that position and have to take it on the chin - somehow flowers

NotnowNigel Sun 07-Feb-16 00:25:48

IME it's not the loss of the bf that kids get upset over, but the fact that their mum is upset, there's less adult backup to make them feel secure and there are less fun times.

So you need to address those things.

Yeah, be upset (don't act, kids smell bullshit from far away) but show him that you can cope and are strong.

If there are good grandparents or friends around invite them over and let him see there are other adults to be there for him.

And get some fun stuff planned for him. I know it'll be the last thing you feel like doing, but do it for his sake. In 5 years time he may be leaving home. Make the most of him being there and build up your relationship with him.

And look after yourself too. flowers Men. You're better off without 'em grin

Oasis888 Sun 07-Feb-16 12:19:31

I think you're very brave and you will be fine and sound like you'll meet someone lovely. Yes, focus on healing you and your son. We all learn from everything if we're open to learning and moving on. All the very very best.

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