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Need urgent advice, am I an emotional abuser?

(71 Posts)
Funnymousey Sat 06-Feb-16 15:03:47

Dh and I are going through a real rough patch and I don't know if its too late to save our marriage. We've been together 10 years and have 2 kids and he has 1 dd from previous relationship. We've both had mental health issues, him more serious and now stable, but me mainly low level apathy and depression following having kids.
He is very stable these days as I say. I have been quite low and my feelings of low self esteem are quite prominent again. Dh has a couple of hobbies he enjoys and spends 1 night a week doing and periodically through the day. Sorry for vagueness but paranoid about people recognising me, unlikely I know!
Anyway the short story is he is angry and resentful of my lack of support and interest in his hobbies. It's not the usual pattern of things but its worked out that he spend all of last Saturday and most if this one away doing his hobby. I have been grumpy and snidy all week about him leaving me with the kids again when I'm feeling low. He has responded my emotionally withdrawing. It has got to the point for him that he is so fed up of me resenting him doing anything away from us, that he is starting to question our relationship. I have serious doubts as to whether I have eroded the relationship with my sour attitude that there is no way back for us.
I am wondering if I am an emotional abuser as he feels constantly critised and like nothing he does is good enough. I feel like I resent him having fun with his hobbies when I feel shit about my life.
I'm sorry this has turned into a real ramble!

OhShutUpThomas Sat 06-Feb-16 15:05:42

Can he have Saturdays and you have Sundays?

pocketsaviour Sat 06-Feb-16 15:07:10

I wouldn't say you were emotionally abusive but your attitude certainly sounds very wearing to live with.

I feel like I resent him having fun with his hobbies when I feel shit about my life.
So because you're unhappy, through no fault of your DH's, nobody else should be happy either? Come on...

RealityCheque Sat 06-Feb-16 15:08:13

There's really no point in asking in here.

'Abuse' (emotional or otherwise) is one of the terms bandied around on here for all sorts of trivial misdemeaners by folk who wouldn't know real abuse if it bit them in the arse.

Savagebeauty Sat 06-Feb-16 15:09:30

So because he goes and does something, you resent it?
You must be difficult to live with

Narp Sat 06-Feb-16 15:12:51

I want to ask whether you get time alone with him, and whether you get time to do things you want t do, with him looking after the kids.

Funnymousey Sat 06-Feb-16 15:13:40

Hi, yes he would be more than supportive of that. He really encourages me to pursue a hobby and gets quite frustrated at my lack thereof! I was running regularly but have just not been motivated. I'm going to start that again. I don't have the time and energy to start a brand new hobby. I work til late 3 weekdays and he does his hobby on the evening I'm home.
I also have a real problem with doing things during the weekend that take me away from doing stuff with the kids. I feel so guilty so I never do anything alone at weekends except a run for an hour sometimes.
I feel resentful they he doesn't feel guilty for doing the things he loves too.

Funnymousey Sat 06-Feb-16 15:16:03

We have time alone in front of the telly most nights! Not exactly quality time though out of the house. You know what is like when you have small kids, nights out together are a rare event!

Seeyounearertime Sat 06-Feb-16 15:16:08

I'd wonder if you get time out OP?

Don't know enough about your life to really comment but if, strictly for examples sake, he worked Monday to Friday and had Tuesday evening and Saturday as hobby time. If you too worked Monday to Friday then you should have a night and Sunday as hobby time.
If he's working and you're a SAHm and he's having his 'me' time is it maybe you don't feel you have any me time?

It all depends on dynamics. But if you're bored and depressed and have no hobbies then its not anyone's fault but yours so you shouldn't resent him. Does that make sense?

Twinklestein Sat 06-Feb-16 15:18:17

It doesn't sound like you're being abusive, just stuck in a negative rut.

I can understand it would be annoying to be left with the children all Saturday, while DH enjoys a day out. But sniping isn't the best way to deal with it.

If he wants to continue, why don't you take Sunday off to pursue your hobbies while he stays home with the kids?

Twinklestein Sat 06-Feb-16 15:20:09

Xpost - just caught up. If you don't want to take Sunday away from the family, could he compromise on half a Saturday on his hobby?

Funnymousey Sat 06-Feb-16 15:23:18

Seeyounearertime it does make sense. I am at home without kids 2 days a week though so I have more spare time than him really. There's no getting away from it, I've been an awful bitch to live with and I really can't blame him for his anger at me. I just think he's had enough of it. I really want to change but I just don't know where to start. I know I've been terribly unreasonable but is it too late to change now! Maybe his love for me has been eroded too much to repair.

Narp Sat 06-Feb-16 15:24:20

I think your depression is not helping, but it is not your fault that you are depressed.

It seems to me that what you are asking for is more time with him in the family unit and his response is to want to carry on as he wants and make it 'fair' by telling you to do something on your own.

Narp Sat 06-Feb-16 15:25:51

'I have been grumpy and snidy all week about him leaving me with the kids again when I'm feeling low. He has responded my emotionally withdrawing'

I don't think this sounds like you are the one who is being unreasonable

Twinklestein Sat 06-Feb-16 15:29:22

I don't see why it's too late - I think that's the depression talking. You're catastrophizing.

But I would definitely apologise to your husband and say you've decided you can't continue to be so negative. Then get yourself some anger management classes and some good therapy.

pocketsaviour Sat 06-Feb-16 15:30:00

OP are you receiving treatment for your depression?

Miloarmadillo1 Sat 06-Feb-16 15:34:16

It doesn't sound like a deal breaker, particularly as he is more than happy to give you equal 'me-time' and it sounds like his weekend hobbying is occasional rather than every weekend. Sit down together and arrange equal time out for both of you - it sounds like you could each have one evening out a week and maybe half a day at the weekend, still leaving a whole day for you to all do things as a family. I'd try to plan in an evening for the two of you to reconnect as well, even if you can't get a babysitter and go out. Have dinner together after the kids are in bed, a glass of wine, watch a film or do something together. Doing something you love a couple of times a week will do wonders for your self esteem - make it happen!

Funnymousey Sat 06-Feb-16 15:34:18

You're right that I have been quite low lately. However I do have a history for resenting him spending time away from me and leaving me with the kids. It's not as if he does it much. I enjoy the one night a week I have to myself, and pre kids I didn't resent his hobby. But since the kids its become a problem for me. I know its my problem to deal with. His anger at me has made him withdraw from me and that's not helped either. Sometimes I'll try and make conversation and he just blanks me. When challenged he just says 'I thought you were just making a statement, and I didn't need to reply' it drives me mad, its so bloody rude and unhelpful.

Funnymousey Sat 06-Feb-16 15:43:54

Miloarmadillo,Twinklestein good advice thanks. Pocketsavior, I've been on st johns wort for a while. I'm not dreadfully depressed so I feel a bit of a fraud calling it that. Sometimes I'm fairly chipper. Other days life's a struggle. I feel under motivated quite a lot and joyless most of the time. I don't feel happy very often and sometimes I wonder if this is as good as it gets. I don't know if its bad enough to need proper medication.

Suddenlyseymour Sat 06-Feb-16 15:50:07

Well i think the first thing you need to act on is you - i really think youneed to see your gp, also it will show your DH that you are making a commitment to improving your mood and therefore the emotional well being of the family as a whole. How does that sound? Would you feel that is a step in the right direction?

BlondeOnATreadmill Sat 06-Feb-16 15:56:22

RealityCheck Spot on.

Funnymousey Sat 06-Feb-16 15:58:28

Also I feel a bit like I don't know if I actually love him. I keep thinking that real love doesn't look like this, the way I've treated him. I would devastated if we broke up but I don't know if that's more because of the kids and not wanting to be alone. When we met we were so in love, proper fireworks, the lot. I wonder sometimes where all that love and passion went.

DespicableBee Sat 06-Feb-16 16:01:35

You should both have equal leisure time
I would resent my dh doing hobbies if I also didn't have equal time away from the house

Funnymousey Sat 06-Feb-16 16:04:47

Suddenlyseymour I will access some relationship counselling I think. I'm not sure I need antidepressants. As I say its quite low level. I do have low self esteem though which has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Counselling is so expensive to have as a long term solution. I'm hoping a few sessions with a relationship counsellor will help. I'm going to go on my own though. He's not a believer of relationship counselling. I think he thinks it might open up a can of worms that you're better off keeping closed!

DespicableBee Sat 06-Feb-16 16:05:21

So he has a break all day Saturday and one evening, whereas you hardly get any free time apart from an occasional run
It doesn't sound a fair split of looking after the children

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