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DH completely undermined me - how to deal?

(107 Posts)
fiestabelle1 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:00:01

Dd misbehaving at swimming, told several times that if she didnt behave no crisps from cafe afterwards. She continues, so I say right, no crisps. Cue whining going on and on as is her way. She says "ill just ask dad to get them then". I say to Dh dont buy her crisps. He makes a joke of it, cuddles her and then proceeds to buy them for her. Dd then makes a face at me. I was furious...walked out of cafe and bk to car. Dd comes out to car and waves crisps in my face. I am so upaet by this. Dh does little to support me with kids and I feel like an utter fool in front of DD. DH is very big on discipline etc but is actually pretty ineffectual...ie shouty but rarely follows through. Aware this incident is just the final straw but i dont know where to go from here?

Rainbowlou1 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:04:25

I would be upset too...did your H say anything to you afterwards?
If this was me I'd go out on my own for a bit today and let him know we need a long chat later.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Feb-16 12:06:43

is your H always such a fucking tool ?

I would be incandescant at such idiocy from him

CityMole Sat 06-Feb-16 12:07:53

I would be fizzing about this. You need to speak to him to let him know that it's not fair. Not only is it confusing for children to have different adult caregivers give inconsistent rules on discipline, it is very unfair for you to be painted as Bad Cop in a situation which is outwith your control.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 06-Feb-16 12:11:52

He's a nasty bastard, isn't he? More interested in being the Disney Dad to your daughter than backing you up in discipline. He's giving a very unhelpful example which is in danger of blowing up in both of your faces at some point in the future.

Nasty bastard

AnyFucker Sat 06-Feb-16 12:12:01

He created a situation where your own daughter takes the piss by waving the crisps in your face

How would I deal with it ?

Well, to take the two problems in isolation I would deal with my daughter by completely stopping the swimming if she cannot behave. I think removing crisps is too light a punishment.

Regarding your H ? I wouldn't stay married to a man that does this sort of shit. He is actually making your life harder not easier, and encouraging your kids to disrespect you.

fiestabelle1 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:14:01

Ive probably not dealt with it in the most mature way..im in the bedroom with the dr locked. He came in - his reasoning is that he knew i had said she wasnt to have them, but not the rest, i.e. the whining and DD saying she wld just get dad to get them etc. My point though is that he DID know but just ignored that and bought them anyanyway. Im most upset though by DdDdDD I think, she qas so

Lanark2 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:14:11

Next time, also drive off. What an idiot you DH is.

NoCapes Sat 06-Feb-16 12:14:18

What an absolute twat
I would be raging
I have no constructive advice because I'm actually really fucking angry for you! <hi hormones>

AnyFucker Sat 06-Feb-16 12:15:07

You are most upset by DD ?

Really ?

gamerchick Sat 06-Feb-16 12:20:55

Come on OP, you're upset with your child really? You've locked yourself away in a huff?

You are the parent, assert yourself man!

Next time this misbehaving happens halt the activity and take her home after one warning as silently as possible. You're setting yourself up for hell later on if you allow your child to be able to pit her parents against each other.

Also tell your bloke to stop being a prick in future.

kittybiscuits Sat 06-Feb-16 12:23:18

Your DD smiling and waving the crisps after telling you she plans to get Dad to buy them, is a clear message that she knows he will collude with her in a well-established pattern. Your DD is just doing what most kids would do to exploit having a father who undermines their Mother. He, on the other hand, is a vile pig who does not have your DD's best interests at heart and is probably expressing passive aggressive anger towards you. With my ex, I knew it was the end when DD sat down after a violent outburst to discuss her unaccaeptable behaviour with both parents, and she kicked off with 'Look Mum, me and Dad both hate you'. Please spare yourself the agony of letting it go any further. Incidently, I have a wonderful relationship with my DD who is lovely, and she barely sees her Dad.

fiestabelle1 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:23:33

Sorry...im most upset by DD I think and that by his doing she has got away with both misbehaving in the first place and her subsequent revelling in it. I dont even want to see her ad I feel so stupid which I know isnt her fault really. Both DC 9 and 6 are becoming cheekier and generally pushing the limits lately. DH is always quick to comnent but doesnt DO anything, i.e. will say thir behaviour is embarrassing but then does little to improve it. He shouts a bit but as he doesnt follow through they mostly ignore him. but dodoesnt actualky DO

LogicalThinking Sat 06-Feb-16 12:24:01

I would be absolutely furious.
He behaved like a child getting on over on you.
He needs to tell your DD that he was wrong and that if mummy has said no to something, then it means no.

lighteningirl Sat 06-Feb-16 12:26:28

I'm with Anyfucker this would raise a huge red flag how on earth will you deal with teenagers if your dh is doing this now

PennyHasNoSurname Sat 06-Feb-16 12:26:39

Honestly I think you need to resume the rest of the day as usual. Once the kids are in bed sit down and talk maturely about how you feel. What he did was awful and I would be livid.

The next day both of you sit with the dcs and explain that from.now on Mum and Dad are a team and if one says No it means you both say No.

fiestabelle1 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:28:16

Im not upset as in angry with her, upset as in cant stop crying, we have a great relationship and I think she knows she can push me so far but then Ill step in and I do mean what I say. Her attitude towards me today has been so disrespectful Im upset at that. Im furious with him.

fiestabelle1 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:36:48

I know you are all right that sulking is not helping. I ve tried to talk to DH about this before...he is fairly "removed" from a lot of the day to day issues re the DC. For e.g. makes a lot of noise about homework, but has rarely sat down and done any with them! Likewise manners, their behaviour, etc etc. He is disney dad in some ways. I hate that we dont present a united front to the DC, and feel like the majority of parenting is left to me. I struggle to articulate this to him... i usually end up in tears as i get so frustrated...he automatically gets defensive and his deafult us " so you are saying i do notthing with them then" .

StableYard Sat 06-Feb-16 12:38:56

Awful behaviour from your DH. He can take her on his own next time.

As for her waving them in your face. I would have FLIPPED at that and took them off her. She is going to be a very unpleasant child growing up if something doesn't change pronto.

mix56 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:39:56

I think you should go out, & leave them for the afternoon. If she asks where you are going, say something along the lines of, you are disappointed & hurt by her behaviour, you are going out because you want time to think about whether you will be taking her swimming again. & you want her to consider what she has done & what she can do to help you feel better.

As for your jerk Husband, tell him the similar, replace "hurt", by "fucking livid"

fiestabelle1 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:41:22

Appreciate all the replies so far.

StableYard Sat 06-Feb-16 12:41:39

My DH was like this - a lot of "we need to do this...." translated to "you need to". So now I throw it back at him. "we need to make sure Matilda does her spellings each night". Me - " Totally agree. When do you want to do them with her?"

dementedpixie Sat 06-Feb-16 12:44:48

I would have taken them off her at the 'waving in the face' stage and said she could get them back when she has learned to behave

fiestabelle1 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:44:52

Thats exactly it...I worry about how they will grow up and what they will be like as teens if we lose respect from them at this age. I know DH thinks the same...but thinking it isnt enough is it.

HPsauciness Sat 06-Feb-16 12:46:04

I wouldn't say anything to your dd now about 'reveling' in it. She only behaved like that because she was allowed to, indeed encouraged to, by a parent.

I also would have just removed the crisps and said 'I don't care what daddy said, I said no crisps and that's the way it's going to be' and then bollocked him later.

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