Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Advice on the best way to end it

(12 Posts)
Happiertimestocome Fri 05-Feb-16 15:48:29

Been in a short term ( couple of months) start of relationship with someone. It's not public due to a variety of reasons at the moment and has become more of a FWB thing
He started out originally acting like he wanted more but then cooled off and has said he's not sure what he wants or if he wants a serious relationship at the moment. He has just left ( october) a 14 year one he was in from a very young age with a child and they are almost divorced. I had no part in this his wife left him. He has a dc
I get that it wouldn't be what I wanted either in this situation fresh out of a relationship but at the same time I don't think I want a FWB when it suits a shag just when it suits to put it bluntly. What should I do? I have feelings for him and we get on brilliantly the sex is amazing and I'm tempted to stay and see if it fizzles out but worried I'll get more hurt in the long run I have already been sad on too many occasions due to the arrangement. At the same time if I left it would be nice to do it in an amicable way, a way that makes me look strong not pathetic and that maybe down the line things might be different or am I foolish thinking that??
Basically what would you say or do? Lay your emotions on the line and say a sex only thing isn't what I'm looking for and I fear I'll get hurt or I think it's not working, no details?
I'm rubish at this as the fact is it's killing me to think of ending it anyway sad

Probably best getting out now before you get any deeper. He's just not the right one fir you, but plenty more fish in the sea right? Be kind to yourself and make future opportunity to meet someone like minded. Good luck

Happiertimestocome Fri 05-Feb-16 16:10:02

Thanks sfa, it doesn't feel like it at the moment although I'm sure your right. Problem is a feel like if this wasn't now we might have a hope if that makes sence? There's just too much going on at the min with house buying, divorce, all the stuff that goes with it and I'm sure he probably wants some fun before he gets into anything serious again. It's just I don't think you do meet people you click with that easily. ( I'm not his first date etc either he'd had a few never go past one though)

Angieyy1 Fri 05-Feb-16 16:25:51

If get out of it I dated a man the same he took me to functions I met his friends and he started show me pictures of his children 3 months after I asked what he wanted and he said he didn't want a relationship with me and he ended it ..... I felt used and continued to text him every so often for up to 2 months just to see if he'd changed his mind and then I never bothered again

wannaBe Fri 05-Feb-16 16:29:14

He's on the rebound. Nothing wrong with that fwiw but at least he's been honest.

Just be honest with him and tell him that this doesn't work for you, that you're looking for more but realise that he's not in a position to give atm.

LovePGtipsMonkey Fri 05-Feb-16 18:32:24

Two options really. Either (as many books advise) play a bit of a game and pretend you are more busy than usual - meet him much less or not at all for a few weeks. This helps to either jolt him into realising he's missing you and would regret losing you - and then will naturally want to become closer.

Or be blunt but nicely that you'd like a closer relationship, and then withdraaw - but say it in an understanding way, that you can see he's got too much on his plate etc, rather than accusing. Then not see him - and if it's meant to be, he'll again miss you etc as above. But do put a LIMIT on the waiting time, couple of months or whatever you feel is not too much - and maybe date lightly meanwhile.

LovePGtipsMonkey Fri 05-Feb-16 18:35:33

Forgot to add that according to these books, the first advice is the way forward because this way you don't scare him off being open about your feelings at an early stage and when he's still in 'two places' mentally.

Second option would be better after a longer involvement as tbh it's not much to lose by that time, an dhe's unlikely to commit (but occasionally works if he's scared of relationships).

Happiertimestocome Fri 05-Feb-16 19:00:43

Thanks love
I don't want to play games but ultimately I would like to see if something could happen after the major dust has settled which would be atleast 4 months really as that's when house etc would be finished (new build) the other thing is maybe it would be better if he dated others?! So you get a feeling if you actually really like the other as in you keep thinking of them and can't move on? This could backfire obviously
So torn. the problem surley is with option a also that if you seem not interested and they are not chasers then you could put them off?!?
I'd love to do the avoid but situation as it is I see him almost every day and that won't change for now whatever I do.
I'm guessing no one thinks main ring the FWB thing for awhile is a good Option?
If b what do you think is the best way of saying it without sounding too keen?

LovePGtipsMonkey Sat 06-Feb-16 00:58:59

do you mean, you see him daily through work/activity, not for dates/sex I assume?

How often do you actually date and are these times together long?

If you only dated sporadically it's very easy to say that you are just not cut out for a very casual relationship with someone you like in more than one way (no need to mention anything emotional - 'like' is enough'), but you understand that he is not in the right place for it. I'd say, it's very likely to pay off being brave in your case and saying to him, maybe we should have a little break and just stay friends so you can be free to meet others - as you describe it he will be likely to miss you. But it will requite patience and nerves of steel to wait out - unless you can date others yourself!

If you already date a lot but brief meetings for sex, then he's not interested in more, but I got the impression it wasn't like that.

Option a - he wouldn't think you are not interested if you genuinely had a project on the go or went away on holiday etc - so you could do something like that, but not an option obv if you have to see him often.

LovePGtipsMonkey Sat 06-Feb-16 01:01:29

maintaining FWB works for some people if the feelings are well in check - I'm worried that if you're already feeling very attached, it will get worse and also he will notice your dissatisfaction more / you'll start resenting. So not really. In most cases it works when both don't want more.

LovePGtipsMonkey Sat 06-Feb-16 01:03:30

I meant, if you date a lot but these dates are mostly brief meetings for sex.

Happiertimestocome Sat 06-Feb-16 07:26:43

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply. We havnt really been on any "dates" as such. We have mutual friends who he is living with and began to text and see each other alot from that at the begining we have had full days together but in a small group as in 4 of us there was no physical stuff at all but we texted/chatted for hours every day. We see each other regually in a friend capacity but not much alone but have only been physical maybe 4/5 times once a week? For the lasting or so. I asked about two weeks what he wanted when he said he didn't know etc I thought I could try but in those two weeks it's obvious to me I can't just do the sex thing. I think you are spot on with the like thing though and just saying it's not for me but understand why at the moment.....
Whether it would pay off or not I'm not sure but I suspect I have to as the alternative is I fall harder and end up broken hearted when I still don't get more

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: