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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Anyone up? Please help

40 replies

Ladywithababy1 · 05/02/2016 04:13

I'm in floods of tears. My husband is out drinking with strangers he met at a bar. He is reusing to come home. He says it's because of stress at work and of having to collect DS from nursery every day and at lunchtimes one day of the week. I feel like I am a single parent at the moment. He has done this a lot recently. I work full time also. I feel completely disrespected and unsupported. But I am scared of being alone too. Sorry if this is rambling. Feel so alone.

OP posts:

Report

Aussiebean · 05/02/2016 04:14

Sorry things aren't good. But it sounds like you already are alone.

Hope you can sort it out.

LadyOrangutan · 05/02/2016 04:18

Morning. What a selfish arse he is being.
Leave him to it for the the next couple of hours and try and deal with it in the morning. Rest while you can (easier said than done I know)
And they are not valid excuses from him. He is being a tool.
xx

Ladywithababy1 · 05/02/2016 04:20

I am just under so much pressure of my own at work and then all the domestic stuff too. I wish that my life was different but maybe it can be if I leave him and try and do this by myself since I seem to do most of it by myself anyway. But money is the issue as always. I am totally terrified of the future.

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SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 04:23

Would being alone be scarier than this.

You'd have certainty of not putting up with this shit anymore.

Ladywithababy1 · 05/02/2016 04:25

No it wouldn't you're right. I think I have to do it. There's been too much of this, too much of how his stress is everything and mine is nothing. Too much of him spending no time with our son. Too much of me running around like a skivvy. Too many nights spent crying myself to sleep because he's out till all hours. I'm a fucking mug aren't I??

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Secondtimeround75 · 05/02/2016 04:34

I think you should emotionally disengage from him.
Don't get worked up about his behaviour, It's like a tantrum.
Put on your practical hat for a while.
Get the weekly routine sorted & deal with the relationship later.

Write a list of the jobs ye need to do all week to keep the house ticking over & sit down with him & split it.Eg

Food - shopping & preparing
Laundry - washing & changing beds
Housework - tidying & cleaning
Maintenance - bills & repairs
Childcare - collection & bedtime

Tell him it's a two parent house & he needs to pull his weight.

SomeonesRealName · 05/02/2016 04:36

My life is immeasurably better since I walked away from this sort of thing. I have certainty about my finances and can manage them - I never could before. I feel good about the self care I showed myself in extracting myself from the situation and I feel I made a positive choice as a mother. My ex husband was a huge barrier to my happiness. It was horrendous at first I won't lie but I never cry myself to sleep these days and no-one wakes me crashing in at 5am drunk.

Ladywithababy1 · 05/02/2016 04:38

Believe me I have tried. He runs his own business whereas I am employed, so he always always has the excuse of work (and he IS having a hard time at the moment with lack of staff so whilst he is recruiting he is doing the job of three people), so I do 95% of the house and child stuff.

I understand needing stress relief but it's always at my expense and that of our son.

But I think you're right that I need to disengage and be practical definitely. Lying here crying won't help in the long run.

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Ladywithababy1 · 05/02/2016 04:42

someone how did you go about leaving him, in the first instance? Think I need some practical tips, as we are so financially tied together. We live in Central London so I don't earn enough to rent or buy somewhere just for me and DS. But I suppose we could try and find support from somewhere?

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TheGreatSnafu · 05/02/2016 04:48

Just wanted to say that I hope you can manage to make some changes. You've had some good advice here already. Look after yourself and get some rest.

Ladywithababy1 · 05/02/2016 04:49

Thank you snafu it's nice to have some voices in the darkness and I think the advice has been great - am going to look after myself and my DS and make sure I prioritise our happiness and health.

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SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 05:03

There's been too much of this, too much of how his stress is everything and mine is nothing.

You know, I dated a guy like this for a while. He was always stressed and tired and scraping by and fucking exhausted and in a bad mood because of it.

I was sad the relationship ended but reading your thread made me realise I dodged a bullet. They really dont change do they?

You need to prioritise you. He wont.

SomeonesRealName · 05/02/2016 05:07

I was very fortunate because family took me in I ended up leaving my job - but before very long I had found a much better one - I was surprised at the difference to my confidence and energy levels my career has gone into overdrive since I left that soul destroying situation. I'm looking to buy my own place now and seeing a really lovely genuine guy who is kind and attentive and passionate towards me and doesn't binge drink or pull all nighters with randoms.

Ladywithababy1 · 05/02/2016 05:09

Yeah sothat I think that's a good point about change - I don't think I can expect him to change any more. I always hoped I could but I think it'll never happen. He's obviously deeply unhappy about something but it's not my responsibility to try and solve that if he won't admit to it.

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SomeonesRealName · 05/02/2016 05:25

Consider he may not be deeply unhappy. He sounds like he's having a great time drinking and socialising all night, no childcare responsibilities bar a few pick ups, almost no share of the domestic jobs, stress at work get out of jail card for real life, nice home wife and child.

SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 05:33

I agree someone...he is having a great life at the OPs expense.

purplerainbow · 05/02/2016 05:34

I went through this and worse with ex h. It ruined me, changed who I wAs and in turn effected my kids. I too was scared. Scared of making the step to end it as he made me feel I can't possibly cope without him. I had ds1 who 3 and da2 was 1 when I threw him out. I did my research. Iv never looked back. Now 6 years later Iv just remarried to a wonderful dh who respects me.

Do you love him op?

Ladywithababy1 · 05/02/2016 05:35

I sometimes think if he didn't run his own business life would be easier in the sense that he would lose his job of he did this crap on someone else's time. He's just running rings around me isn't he?? I have now been awake all night, he's still not back, DS will be up soon, and he will come back and lie in bed all day while I work. It's very definitely not ok and may turn out to be the straw that broke the camels back.

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Ladywithababy1 · 05/02/2016 05:36

I thought I did purple but this happening endlessly has eroded it so much, that I'm not sure any more.

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SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 05:41

Yeah and if he had his a job and didnt run his own business it would be different stress, boss stress, colleagues stress, working fixed hours stress, not doing as he pleases stress.

He would take that out on you still.

purplerainbow · 05/02/2016 05:43

If you're answer isn't automatically 'yes' then you probably don't love him.... Love has to work both ways. The same as respect. He's a husband as well as a father and it sounds as though he is useless at both of these roles. Do you have anyone close to you that you can confide in?

Holly34 · 05/02/2016 05:44

Its difficult as you have to make that decision alone. Only you know what is happening day in and out. Defo agree distance yourself emotionally, dont show your bothered with his behaviour. If hes worried he will make the change if hes careless then you know which path you need to take.

build up your confidence women your stronger then you know put yourself first (even before dc) POSITIVE THINKING IS WHAT WILL HELP YOU MOVE ON TELL YOURSELF YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS

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Ladywithababy1 · 05/02/2016 05:47

So much to think about here and such good advice, thank you all. I wish this wasn't happening, it's so sad for my DS. He deserves better and so do I. I think that the cycle has to be broken somehow. Lots of thinking to do. He has just got back. He asked why I was still awake! I didn't deign to answer. Oh well up shortly with DS, going to be a tough day at work etc but coffee and other things to focus on will get me through.

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SomeonesRealName · 05/02/2016 05:55

Your DS is very little and will adapt and not remember. My DC has been absolutely fine and has time each week with my XH, who has actually been known to do baking and crafts activities - this is astounding and would never have happened had we stuck with the then status quo.

Holly34 · 05/02/2016 06:01

He may be thinking your waiting up for him i would pretend I am sleeping and quietly set an alarm on my phone for 15 mins and snooze it to piss him off REALLY LOUD!!!

have a lovely day darling you will get through this!!

Flip

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