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Says he doesn't do love - found very old text to exGF saying he loved her.

(59 Posts)
wantmorenow Thu 04-Feb-16 21:13:27

Just that. He left his phone at mine & I went through contacts list to see if his house phone number was in it so I could ring him. It wasn't. Then I looked through his old texts to see if phone company had text him the number during their installation process. Found old texts between him and his ex and couldn't help but snoop. Know I shouldn't have but was nosy. A text from him to her saying he loved her and didn't want to lose her. Nothing unusual about it, before we were together and nothing to do with me.

Only this is the same man who has told me that he doesn't really 'do love' and that he's never really been in love, not 'his thing'. I love him and have struggled to adapt to this expectation of never hearing the words. He turns it back on me by asking 'what would you prefer; someone who says it and treats you like shit or someone who never says it but treats you well?'.

He is the kindest, most reliable, selfless and generous man, friend, lover, boyfriend ever. He is my rock, my best friend and ally. We have been dating 18 months and it's been a happy, wonderful time.

He returned shortly after and I told him what I had done. He didn't get cross and neither did I. I told him I'd seen him tell her he loved her. Tried to talk about it with him but it didn't make much sense, Something about having a degree of feelings after their 3 years together. All quite abstract and confusing. Feeling gutted.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 04-Feb-16 21:19:24

I don't think anything has changed, if I'm honest.

He's laid out his game plan. He won't tell you that he loves you. He seems to have told you that he doesn't love you, as he doesn't "do love", and therefore regardless of how lovely he is, you are in the relationship knowing that he doesn't feel it.

'what would you prefer; someone who says it and treats you like shit or someone who never says it but treats you well?' is rubbish, because there is a middle ground. Someone who loves you and tells you that, but also treats you well.

I think it's highly likely that what he has said is right, and he's just tried to play it down to stop it from hurting you. He probably did love her, and he could tell her. Maybe the ending of that relationship has stopped him from wanting to feel love, or maybe he just doesn't feel the same way for you but he still feels something, and he thinks that's okay because he's been upfront about not "doing love".

Regardless, your choice is the same. You can accept it, knowing his feelings won't match yours, and carry on the relationship; or you can end it and look for someone who meets all of your requirements.

I think you need to feel loved, and that's why this keeps hitting you. I don't think there is a future here, regardless of how much you want there to be one. He can't give you something that you fundamentally need.

Arfarfanarf Thu 04-Feb-16 21:19:33

Youve been together 18 months and didnt have his home phone number? (Disclaimer. This may only seem odd to me cos im old)

I think theres 2 most likely possibilities. Either his relationship ended so badly that he's sworn off love or he does not love you and has told you he doesnt do love because he doesnt want to tell you he does not love you, specifically. Yet. Feelings change.

If his actions demonstrate love then he probably loves you.

It would probably be good for the two of you to have an honest, open conversation. One which doesnt leave you unclear what he's on about.

wantmorenow Thu 04-Feb-16 21:33:57

No-one uses his home phone line, don't even know my own land line number. I would love to have the conversation but open about feelings doesn't seem to be something he is capable of; unless saying they are not there is open? Said he didn't love his previous girlfriends and wife either as such. I took it as him being a bit on the ASD spectrum and the product of his parents who don't do emotional stuff either. He's rarely mega happy or sad. He's very constant and consistent. His lack of moodiness, angst and drama is one of his attractive qualities to me.

Knowing that lack of verbal love was a characteristic of his relationships was tough enough, knowing that it was different with her is too much to take in right now.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 04-Feb-16 21:39:35

Saying that they are not there is open. Of course it is. He's not saying "I don't love you yet", or "I don't know how I feel" - he's saying he doesn't have those feelings.

He probably told you that he didn't love his previous girlfriends either because he was softening the blow - you know that he did, and you probably had doubts before this that he did. I'm not surprised that you're gutted to have it confirmed.

He can't change how he feels, and neither can you. You also can't change what is important to you. Him loving you is clearly important. He might treat you well, but your posts read like there's something missing.

Have you told him how important this is to you, and asked if his feelings have changed at all or if he still feels no love? Because you've been together half the time that he was with his ex now, so you'd expect feelings of love to be emerging if they were going too.

It's still an option that he was too damaged by that relationship and swore off love, but that means he's building walls and he'd not generally be in a good place to have a relationship with.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Feb-16 21:44:50

Those excuses you used to go through his phone with absolutely no mitigating circumstances are very transparent

wantmorenow Thu 04-Feb-16 21:51:28

We work closely together too so if feelings were going to be there for me then there's been ample time, proximity and opportunity. Guess he loved her and doesn't love me or he placated her with saying he loved her when the feelings weren't there either. Either way it's not looking good for us.

I'm moving house tomorrow and due to a right royal cock up I'm going to be homeless for a week or so and he's putting me up. I've been so looking forward to the week at his and my kids being at their Dad's for a week. Was like a kid at Christmas about having so much time together. Timing really couldn't be any worse.

wantmorenow Thu 04-Feb-16 21:53:05

AF missed point of thread entirely

AnyFucker Thu 04-Feb-16 21:55:04

not really

Bitrustyandbusty Thu 04-Feb-16 21:55:38

I am with AF on this one.

WaterAngel Thu 04-Feb-16 22:00:40

Long time lurker. V occasional poster.

Have to say, have yet to see AF miss the point.

Good luck with this OP, tricky one sad

Angleshades Thu 04-Feb-16 22:03:00

What does it matter anyway, op admitted she was being nosy to look so the excuses are irrelevant.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Feb-16 22:06:38

it only "doesn't matter" if her partner doesn't mind having his privacy invaded for absolutely no reason at all

if that is the case, I would be very surprised

FriendofBill Thu 04-Feb-16 22:08:28

Maybe he was last ditch declaring?

You shouldn't have nosed, it's none of your business. Written before you, to someone else.

If you are happy with the relationship, continue as you were.
If not, end it.

Fwiw, it does sound a, 'would you prefer someone who treats you like shit' line.
But is it a deal breaker?

Angleshades Thu 04-Feb-16 22:08:58

Well he didn't get cross so maybe he didn't mind.

wantmorenow Thu 04-Feb-16 22:09:53

Angleshades thank you; his phone is always lying around, no password, no secrets, have access to his email, work email, no facebook, regularly use his laptop too. Was just killing time waiting for him to get home/realise his phone was at mine when I couldn't find land line number. No reason to snoop other than nosiness when I saw old texts from ex. 'Fessed up immediately and he was surprised but not annoyed. Surprised because I'm not normally nosey.
Really don't understand why the interest in the reason for snooping rather than some chat and support about how to rationalise his words and actions.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Feb-16 22:12:06

all is sweet then

instead of being able to have a grown up conversation with him, snoop on the conversations he had with his exes that have absolutely no bearing on your relationship with him

that should make for a happy future

Angleshades Thu 04-Feb-16 22:14:01

Exactly op. If my exdp had gone through my phone at any point in our relationship I wouldn't have minded either, I had nothing to hide. Most the time the advice on these threads is about being open with each other and that you shouldn't be hiding things from your partner so I don't get what all the fuss is about either.

Anyway op maybe your dp has been hurt before and is struggling now to say he feels love. Is he scared of rejection do you think?

wantmorenow Thu 04-Feb-16 22:16:20

I apologised to him, I made no excuses, what I did was wrong, he said he couldn't give a fuck, he has nothing to hide etc. Neither of us was angry. Both of us were taken aback by the turn of events and we chatted quietly for 20 minutes or so before he went home. A few texts since. Me saying I'm confused, him saying I'm being silly as the past is the past etc.

Bitrustyandbusty Thu 04-Feb-16 22:18:26

There is a difference between being open and having nothing to hide and your partner actively taking the (first?) opportunity to read through your old texts.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Thu 04-Feb-16 22:19:24

It depends really what you want to settle for. It's very much like those people in relationships who say they don't want to marry. Then when that relationship ends and they get with someone else they all of a sudden want to marry.
Seems like he does 'do' love but doesn't feel that way about you. Do you want to be with someone you know feels that way?

Angleshades Thu 04-Feb-16 22:22:30

Op I wouldn't read too much into it. Give it time and see how you go. If his lack of declaring 'love' is still bothering you in a few months then maybe bring it up again. Other than that if you're happy with everything else in your relationship then try and relax about it a bit and go with the flow. If it still really bothers you though you'll be left with a choice whether or not you want to continue with the relationship as it is or find someone who is free to love you just like you want.

wantmorenow Thu 04-Feb-16 22:25:46

sharonthewaspandthewineywall spot on. Wondering if he's 'settling' for me, much as I love him, I can't bear the idea that he may be feeling that she inspired him to love whereas I'm just not ticking all the right boxes. I know that he'll be there for me but want it to be for a strong feeling like love rather than just affection.

Feel sad for him and for myself.

wantmorenow Thu 04-Feb-16 22:31:31

Thank you for listening tonight. It really couldn't have come at a worse time what with our enforced living together starting tomorrow. I've been a muppet. Still glad I looked but wish I'd done it a month ago or a few months hence!
Not being a complete bitch I did immediately offer to rehouse myself somewhere else given my boundary breaking. He said nothing's changed, still welcome. He's such a good man, why is it so difficult to just fall in love and commit? I'm sure this is more complicated than it needs to be?

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna Thu 04-Feb-16 22:48:09

Before your last update I would've said, "he's just not that into you"....then I misread you last update and thought "he's committed to you hence moving in, he must love you"......then I reread and I saw "enforced living together"'s like he's just going along with whatever, like "yeah I like her, I enjoy her co, I love her and care about her, but I'm just not IN LOVE with her"

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