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Husband seems to hate me!

(32 Posts)
LUCIA22 Thu 04-Feb-16 19:20:42

My DH has gone off on one today, not for the first time. He is very suspicious & convinced I have been unfaithful. He doesn't trust me. I have never & would never be unfaithful and am disgusted by the idea that I would. I am not even a flirtatious person. It's been going on for ages & as a result I never go out at night & don't really have any friends. I have completely lost my confidence. My husband expresses other paranoid behaviour & is possibly ASD. This is what I think causes it. I still love him but hate him when he is accusing me, it feels so unfair. How do I get help or support for this? Have two DC & really don't want to break up.

Neverpolishghillies Thu 04-Feb-16 19:26:03

Insist he seeks counselling, and offer to go with him.

mumsonthelash Thu 04-Feb-16 19:30:39

How bloody tiresome for you. Makes me wonder what he's up to. Don't let him stop you having friends and going out. Does he go out? TBH I'd be suspicious of him. He sounds abusive or deranged.

Marchate Thu 04-Feb-16 19:34:00

Sounds emotionally abusive, based on the information you have given

TheoriginalLEM Thu 04-Feb-16 19:43:43

He is isolating you, its a form of control, not love.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 04-Feb-16 19:55:15

I never go out at night & don't really have any friends. I have completely lost my confidence

Regardless of whether he's on the spectrum or not, your h is an abusive and controlling arse and an appalling role model for your dc.

Tell him that you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and if he doesn't stop accusing you of having affairs you'll divorce him and take to having flings with om.

Counselling can only effect change if your h is willing to admit to being paranoid about what what you may getting up to he's not around because of his innate belief that women can't be trusted

If he continues in this vein you're going to become an even paler shadow of the woman you once were. Do you have any rl support from your family members?

mumsonthelash Thu 04-Feb-16 20:00:20

He obviously has MH issues and this is draining you. It is his responsibility to own his delusions.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Feb-16 20:07:11

He is abusive. You cannot help him by restricting your own life. You would be best advised to leave him.

Morasssassafras Thu 04-Feb-16 21:01:33

He's abusive, and possibly having an affair himself. You should try and do The Freedom Programme.

Resilience16 Thu 04-Feb-16 21:08:51

Hi Lucia, I am so sorry to hear you are in this horrible situation. It definitely sounds like emotional abuse and it will wear away at your self confidence. I know as I was in a similar situation.
If your partner doesn't acknowledge there is a problem then you have to choose whether to stay and be worn down or find the courage to leave. Try speaking to women's aid for some advice.
Good luck x

LUCIA22 Thu 04-Feb-16 21:50:58

Thanks for your replies. I expected people to advise me to leave. I have thought about it but I still love him and he is a good father. I really believe that he is suffering from some kind of mental health issue but the very nature of it means that he will not accept that he is. There is no reasoning with him. I would like to find someone with similar experience. I don't believe he is a abusive person intentionally, I think he truly believes that he is right. He tells me that he won't mind if I go out but can't cope with the potential accusations if I do, I can't enjoy it if I am constantly feeling guilty. He does go out. He is out now drinking because he is angry with me, thinking I did something wrong today. I really want to help him & hope we can one day live s happy life. When I met him he was the man if my dreams but stress & problems with his family etc have caused him this.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Feb-16 22:09:23

when people tell you he is abusive they are not saying "you should stay with him"

whatever gave you the idea the people on this thread were condoning you staying ?

Marchate Thu 04-Feb-16 22:16:49

AF - I think the post is ambiguous. I read it as 'I expected people to advise me to leave...' ...and wasn't surprised, but I don't want to

I'm not suggesting you misread, only that it can read either way

CocktailQueen Thu 04-Feb-16 22:17:15

So it's ok for him to go out drinking, but not you to go out?
You never go out
He doesn't trust you
You have no friends or confidence
You think he has mh issues or asd

Yet you think this is the best environment for your dc to be brought up in??

Why do you love him?
In what way is he a good father? He is being a terrible role model for your dc.

mum2mum99 Thu 04-Feb-16 22:20:37

If he is abusive, it is not really a good idea t stay with him. Google effects of abusive relationships.

mumsonthelash Thu 04-Feb-16 22:21:41

So he's out drinking because he thinks you did something wrong? OMG he is playing you for a fool. You are being manipulated. I know how hard it is to accept that some people actually do this for real.

Marchate Thu 04-Feb-16 22:22:43

Lucia - you will find many with similar experience. Some, like you, are sticking it out, believing their partner has MH problems. Others have found they were being reeled in by the (untrue) MH story to feel, as usual, that they were the uncaring one

Stand back, assess the facts. He is abusive, whether or not he has MH issues

mumsonthelash Thu 04-Feb-16 22:23:33

More like he did something today and is twisting reality and can't face you.

Morasssassafras Thu 04-Feb-16 22:24:50

Lucia, you can't fix him. Only he can fix him. He can only fix himself if he acknowledges he has a problem.

For what it's worth I don't think it matters if he is abusive intentionally or unintentionally as the end result is that you modify your behaviour to avoid setting him off. I didn't recommend you leave I said do the Freedom Programme and then you will be able to make any decisions from a knowledgeable place.

Bupbupbup Thu 04-Feb-16 22:24:55

He tells you he doesn't mind you going out but makes it unbearable when you do - he's manipulative and controlling you, that's abusive.
He prob wanted to go and get drunk tonight, he engineered an argument so he could justify going out and being angry with you.
Don't waste energy trying to convince him - he either believes it anyway because he plays away and thinks everyone does or - doesn't really think you have affairs but accusing you is a good way to keep you in your place.
Seems like it's working, you stay home, have no friends and he can get to do what he wants.
You deserve friends, you're worth more

mumsonthelash Thu 04-Feb-16 22:25:53

Is he cheating but needs to know where you are? Hence the control and paranoia? And not letting you go out?

InvoluntaryCelibacy Thu 04-Feb-16 22:29:34

Ask your doctor to put you in touch with a counsellor (or do it yourself but it might take longer). They are professionally trained and therefore better able to advise you on the right path

wallywobbles Thu 04-Feb-16 22:32:28

My ex did this. Turns out it was him having the affair and judging me by his standards.

LUCIA22 Fri 05-Feb-16 03:43:53

I have tried turning it back on him that it's him having the affair but I really don't think he is. I think it's paranoia & insecurity. He generally pushes most people away with his behaviour which he blames on having a disfunctional family. He believes most marriages fail & I think it's his way of proving he's right.

TheNaze73 Fri 05-Feb-16 08:37:57

I think he needs to look in the mirror. I bet he's judging you by his standards. He needs counselling

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