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Feels like DF harasses me

(11 Posts)
WalkingBlind Thu 04-Feb-16 14:25:19

I'm gonna try not to drip feed but also this is obviously pretty brief (for a life story).

My DM and DF split when I was very young. I've lived with them both at different times but have been on my own since I was 16. 9 years later I now have DP, DD(3yrs) and over 8 months pregnant with DS. They were both shit parents. Both alcoholics, both emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. But more so DM due to MH issues. I have a younger Dsis with the same DM/DF.

When I was pregnant with DD my great-grandmother died and she was my closest relative. DF made it an "all about him" nightmare. Even booked the funeral on my 21st birthday hmm and told my older Dsis (not his) she couldn't come incase she upset him! Anyway his following harassment and behaviour drove me to go totally NC. I even moved home so he didn't know where I lived (he would turn up).

3 years later and I've built certain bridges with DM and felt it was time to let DF into our lives as DD is his only grandchild. This was before I was pregnant, we visited once a month and text once a week it was going really well.

I'm due DS in a couple week and it's the only boy in his family except him (his dad recently passed) and I'm worried his behaviour is becoming unacceptable again but he won't take the hint. I'd hate to go back NC after all this but I'm feeling under a lot of pressure. I'm practically bedridden and my house has absolutely zero signal, I can't receive a text unless I leave the house.... And I made this very clear on several occasions. Yet whenever I come into signal I have so many messages like "what's up?", "have I done something?", "you've stopped keeping in touch again", "you need to let us know what's happening", etc. I also have several off his wife and mother (who I get along with) that I'm sure they were nagged into sending hmm His "harassment" is always disguised as him simply caring. But they are always "you have done this". Always accusatory. I know from the past it's all quite selfish motives, even though I've asked for some space while I'm so heavily pregnant he would still turn up at my front door to find out "what's up" with no regard to the stress I'd be under and would refuse to leave without a "valid" excuse.

Am I overreacting due to past damage? Or would you expect, that if you told someone you couldn't contact for a while that they wouldn't send endless messages?

MoominPie22 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:34:51

Hi I'm afraid this isn't terribly helpful but I'm kinda staggered that you renewed contact with him just cos your daughter is his only grandkid!?hmm And you expect that he was magically gonna change, how??
Why would you wanna expose your kids to someone you saw fit to go NC with? All you're gonna do is invite the same old shitty issues bk into your life. People like him never change cos they don't operate on the basis of logic, compassion or consideration. And you're now finding that out to your detriment.

WalkingBlind Thu 04-Feb-16 14:53:02

Sorry that wasn't the only basis (I would like contact with all my family if possible we've lost quite a lot of members I don't want any regrets), but because I successfully built a bridge with DM and she actually accepted everything that had happened in the past and acts accordingly, I thought it would be a similar process. He did seem to have improved confused Unlike DM however he won't mention the past and just says "let's draw a line under it".

Unfortunately it seems I'm learning the hard way that my success with DM may have been a fluke sad

My DC's will never have unsupervised contact just to put that out there. And this was the first sign of anything like it used to be, so I suppose I'm hoping things don't go back down the same road. Obviously at the moment it's just a few texts and he hasn't progressed any worse but wondering from an outside view if the texting thing is harassing or I'm being overly-hormonal.

I totally agree about him not operating on logic or consideration

MatildaTheCat Thu 04-Feb-16 15:16:53

You say he won't take a hint so maybe stop being as subtle and simply say you have no signal, feel crap and can't see him at present? He clearly is quite self centred and will turn this into being about him unless you are crystal clear.

As a compromise could you agree to send a brief email update once a week or so? He must see that your link is still quite fragile and if you offer this as the best you can manage right now he may accept it. Turning up on your doorstep is clearly very undesirable so some plain language along the lines of, 'please stop, it's too much for me but I will keep you updated when I have any news.' may be enough. Have you considered arrangements for when ds is actually born?

WalkingBlind Thu 04-Feb-16 15:40:39

Unfortunately I fear that's how blunt my "hints" have been. I literally can't reply to him unless I'm out of the house and have told him several times. I assume he's either underestimating how bedridden I am or thinks I'm intentionally not replying? I think it's an ego thing. Like "I deserve a reply", that's just me playing internet psychiatrist though lol.

I think I will do that, I don't have his email atm (assuming he has one, he works so he's bound to) but I do have Internet access so I think that's a valid compromise thank you I'll suggest that to him.

It's only really just hit me about what he may be like when DS is here confused In general I'm a very private person and won't even have people in the hospital visiting after childbirth. Not sure how he'll cope with his own excitement though? Especially as I have no reference from DD as I was NC with him at the time of her birth. I also don't want many visitors at all for the following few weeks, fair enough one short visit should be manageable but maybe I should get the message out there now.... That I wouldn't just be limiting their visits, but all family/friends so he doesn't get the hump or try and be pushy

Hissy Thu 04-Feb-16 16:42:12

So you renewed contact with people who made your life hell because a few others have died? Leaving the very dregs of the family?

That's very foolish. Your daughter needs BETTER people in her lives, not this shower.

It's going to be hard, but you have to scale back contact and protect your children!

WalkingBlind Thu 04-Feb-16 16:58:36

That's a little harsh and taking what I've said out of proportion, not everyone wants to be NC with their parents. I understand MN is great for NC support but some of us would like to have the contact if possible.

He's been good as a grandfather in my opinion and his contact is limited and supervised. I just wanted support as to if I was justified in feeling a little overwhelmed or if I was overreacting

Hissy Thu 04-Feb-16 17:11:46

Butvhes making you miserable, he's not adding anything to your life and will go on to piss you off some more.

He won't change, he hasn't changed and you are allowing access to innocent children.

You are in deep fog (fear, obligation, guilt) you are making decisions based on the wants of an abusive man who was not good for you, and not -as you should be - putting your children and yourself first.

What do you expect from this man? A perfect dad/gp?

That's never going to happen.

You might think it's harsh, but why would by of us support you in allowing such a bully in a child's life?

Nobody ever wants to go nc, but this is a Decision you took for good reason. Nothing has changed since then only your hankering after what never was.

Sorry, I know this is crap... sad

ricketytickety Thu 04-Feb-16 17:14:22

Have a look at the stately homes thread - it's got lots of info you'd find useful. Basically, many like you re-initiate contact through FOG - fear obligation and/or guilt. The theory is your childhood conditioned you to be afraid to do the wrong thing in your parents' eyes as thee consequences were bad, that made you obliged to do what they want because it made life easier for you (but probably didn't - you were just told/hoped it would) and also you feel guilty for not being in contact because they tell you you should and also others don't understand the dynamic and say you should (they usually have functional parents and don't get your problem).

So, if it's getting bad again (which it is) lay down the boundary. Tell him to stop all texting and not to come round uninvited.

Lots of people who have gone through it will tell you that no contact is probably inevitable I'm afraid - have a look at the thread and post on there - you'll get some more knowledgable advice than I can offer!

ricketytickety Thu 04-Feb-16 17:16:41

x post. Sad fact is you prob can't change him. But no, you aren't overeacting.

OzzieFem Thu 04-Feb-16 17:25:53

A "valid" reason for him leaving is the fact that you've asked him to go!

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