Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

It can't be abuse because I'm bad too?

(25 Posts)
sadinmysoul Thu 04-Feb-16 13:56:31

I have actually had to work up the courage to start this thread since last night. I have posted before under different names, my partner doesn't work and sleeps a lot..trying to keep vague as I will get into so much trouble if I'm identified but honestly - this is how tormented I feel, so I have to reach out somehow sad I worry people will be disappointed in me on here as I was advised to leave and did try (and have ended things with him twice before) but it's just feeling impossible. I don't like letting people down so am putting myself out there to say - no, I haven't left and part of me feels I have no right to just walk away.

Don't want to write an essay, but we had a huge row last night. It's our son's parents evening tomorrow and my partner never comes to them, he says there's no need and doesn't have much time for schools in general. He has said he'll go tomorrow but only if I don't go because it doesn't take 2 of us. I said it would be nice to go together but he said no way and that I'm just trying to cause trouble. He said hes offering me a solution to not going (because I have anxiety and find it difficult talking to all the teachers) but I'm deliberately making things awkward by insisting we both go. I just said it'd be good as a change to both go.

He then said my family are all messed up and want to take advantage of me (I recently inherited some money but its all accounted for anyway) and that he's the only one who protects me from them and I don't appreciate it. He said he's a better parent to my son because he'd never upset him like I have. Reason: on the odd occasions I go out with friends and have a few drinks, I have been loud and a bit dramatic when I come back. My son hates me drinking and the last time I did I upset him by crying and talking gibberish and was basically too drunk. I wasn't nasty to anyone though, just loud. I have agreed not to ever go out drinking again.

I have to stress, this has happened about 3 times in the past 5 years but I am deeply ashamed of it and haven't touched a drop of alcohol since the last time a few months ago. My partner says for this reason I have no moral code or right to comment on his parenting skills and that I should be ashamed of myself. I expect to get flamed for this as no kid wants to see their mum drunk and even though its very rare, he hates it but in my defense if he was in bed when I got in then he wouldn't have to but he stays awake waiting to see me and check that I'm not drunk. Then if I am he gets really upset and so do I due to the guilt etc.

When my partner brought all this up last night he also mocked my voice and said what a trouble maker I am, I started crying and he said 'Don't make me out to have made you cry you did this to yourself, all I've done is respond to you wanting to have a fight'. I said he was gaslighting me and he laughed and said theres no such thing just like when I call him passive aggressive, he thinks they're made up psychobabble terms and thinks I'm a joke.

I had a panic attack then barely spoke all evening. Later he asked if I was ok and I said I was upset but didn't know why and he said 'Look its ok, just forget it now I'll be ok, I just have to defend myself if you try to cause arguments' and I was even more confused.

Sorry this is so long!...didnt mean it to be. Basically, what is wrong with me? I have depression and he says thats why I am irritable sometimes with him and am causing trouble as he likes to call it, because I'm not in my right mind and unwell.

summerwinterton Thu 04-Feb-16 13:59:35

I think if you got rid of him your depression would lift dramatically. I dunno why on earth you are with him - he sounds hell. And you are allowed to go and have a drink, he is just using that as a stick to beat you with to keep you toeing the line. Saying you are trouble and not in your right mind - well that is utterly foul.

fondationmaeght Thu 04-Feb-16 14:03:22

He's twisting and being abusive. You shouldn't feel bad about drinking those few times.
He won't get better he will beat you down further and further.
What do you feel is a good next step for you to take?

sadinmysoul Thu 04-Feb-16 14:04:29

Thank you thank you summerwinterton, I am crying my eyes out right now as I feel so alone and truly like I'm a bad person. Your reply makes me feel less so. He is truly ashamed of me I think. As for why I'm here...can't even answer it, I just am sad

sadinmysoul Thu 04-Feb-16 14:07:16

Hi fondation, the confusing thing is he used to be much much worse, calling me vile names daily, financially abusing me, he's either become a better person in some ways or changed tactics. So I feel it must be me being oversensitive now. Next step - I'm waiting for a call back from the lady who runs the freedom programme, could manage to do that, my depression makes it hard for me to go out but feel it would help me.

mrtwitsglasseye Thu 04-Feb-16 14:08:27

Absolutely get rid of this awful twat. He is messing with your head.

hownottofuckup Thu 04-Feb-16 14:09:16

I wonder if your son's upset when you go out and have a few drinks actually comes from his father.
The odd night out with a few too many drinks is fairly bland and ordinary in parenting terms.
You're problem is him

summerwinterton Thu 04-Feb-16 14:12:53

He hasn't become better, he has just become more devious and insidious.

You can do the Freedom Programme online while you wait btw.

sadinmysoul Thu 04-Feb-16 14:14:54

Yeah I think me going out occasionally is not such a big deal but I get both of them telling me not to drink too much (son is 12) and I have to state a time I'm coming back and then get phone calls off them both if I'm late, it is very restrictive. I don't know if my son is like that due to his dad because before the latest night out he was quite ok about it and did actually try to make my son lighten up, said things like "It's ok if mum wants to go out, we'll have a nice night", and told me to just go and enjoy myself. Its only since the last time a few months ago that both of them have asked me not to go out again. And he brings it up EVERY time we argue, as soon as i challenge him on anything, he uses it against me knowing I am deeply ashamed.

sadinmysoul Thu 04-Feb-16 14:23:21

He hasn't become better, he has just become more devious and insidious.

This is what a voice is telling me deep in my mind but then the doubt washes over and says no, the problem is me and my issues.

He is very clever, he knows my weak areas like my troubled childhood, emotionally abusive mother, my depression, he says all these things have clouded my judgement and skewed my perceptions of people who are just defending themselves and not having a go at me. He says I am paranoid that he's out to get me and that I WANT there to be problems.

Ok will try and do the online F. Programme tonight as I need to start it asap. I have a number for a Womens aid support worker too from when we split up before, I will try her if I get a moment alone later where no one will hear me.

Thank you cake

Jw35 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:31:34

He's a knob

MothButterfly Thu 04-Feb-16 14:39:27

From your description he is abusive and starting to bring your son into it too is awful. You do need to leave but a good first step would be to do the freedom programme online. There are ways of keeping it hidden in the Internet history.

SanityClause Thu 04-Feb-16 14:40:28

You know, he doesn't need to be abusing you for you to leave him. (He is, though.)

If you don't want to be together, that's fine. You don't have to stay together, if being together making you unhappy.

Heatherjayne1972 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:49:37

You need to leave. This man is an abusive controlling and ( sounds) deeply unpleasant. Going out for a drink is so ordinary - ok maybe getting really drunk isn't sensible but hardly the crime of the century.
You need to discover the real beautiful confident capeable person you are inside. You will cope if you leave him - I thought I wouldn't ( similar story to yours btw) and I did I am. And you will too. You're stronger than you think 💐

Claraoswald36 Thu 04-Feb-16 15:33:25

I managed one paragraph I can guess the rest. Leave him you won't look back!

summerwinterton Thu 04-Feb-16 15:45:03

You left before - why did you go back? He convinced you that you needed him and he would change I bet.

PaddywackHolland Thu 04-Feb-16 16:50:53

You are the one that's always been going to the parent's evenings, alone; he can't be bothered and yet if you get a bit noisy and drunk, he says you're a bad parent? That can't be true, can it? You sound just like I used to feel, apologetic, blaming yourself etc. he is even trying to tell you what you are thinking: 'you want there to be problems'. Can you get counselling for help with the depression/ low self esteem? I had CBT and it was a great help. Best wishes, try to get away from him asap. xxx

sadinmysoul Thu 04-Feb-16 18:51:13

Thanks for replies, well done Heatherjane that's fab that you got away and have rediscovered yourself. I am happy for you, I know what this kind of misery can do to you.

I left many years ago because it was unbearable, name calling on a daily basis, but blaming me for it, I had a miscarriage and he was vile to me during it, a total bastard. Managed to be away for 2 and a half years but he reeled me in, I blame myself for not being strong enough. He did change and apologised, things were good for a while. Then he left last year but only for a couple of months, again he changed and became very calm, he never raises his voice - I do and look like I have serious issues when I get upset so he can be the voice of reason and ask me to compare my conduct to his and look who's the abusive one?....his family agree with him and laughed when I mentioned I feel abused by him a while ago.

OzzieFem Thu 04-Feb-16 18:51:14

It sounds like your son is frightened when he sees his mother come home loud, dramatic, crying and talking gibberish (your words). You never mentioned how you got home so I presume you were not driving (hopefully). I'm not saying you should not go out with friends but you need to set a limit on the types and amount of alcohol you imbibe.

I'm sorry but saying he would not have seen you like this because he should have been in bed, not staying awake to check to see if you were drunk is no excuse. How about he stayed awake to make sure you DID get home? I find it strange that both are reacting this way if it has only happened three times in five years. Is your partner deliberately setting you up in some way by saying by saying it's OK for you to go out, in the hope you will get drunk?

If you did leave your partner, who would get custody of your son? Your partner does not work so does he sponge off you? Where are you going to do the Freedom programme if your partner does not go out to work and will be looking other your shoulder? He sounds like he is deliberately undermining your confidence though and that would just exacerbate your depression and anxiety. I haven't see any of your previous threads so don't know if you are on medication for your depression but it might be worthwhile getting checked out in case you need to start some or have dosage altered.

Hope things improve for you and good luck. flowers cake chocolate

choceclair123 Thu 04-Feb-16 19:22:34

It's so obvious from your post that he's setting you up to fail and turning you against yourself. He's really messing with your head BIG TIME I'm not surprised you feel so bad. You really do need to get you and your son away from him. He's manipulating your son and turning him against you. He sounds v clever abs extremely toxic. There's nothing wrong with going out and enjoying yourself. He's told you to go off and have fun so he can chop you back down to size when you get home drunk. Amazing how he's managed to twist and turn everything around so he's making you out to be the bad one. He is pure evil. I really hope you get yourselves away from him. Take care thanks

DespicableBee Thu 04-Feb-16 20:00:31

Does he have any good point?
He sounds emotionally draining, you would probably be better on your own

Marchate Thu 04-Feb-16 20:03:36

he never raises his voice - I do and look like I have serious issues when I get upset so he can be the voice of reason and ask me to compare my conduct to his and look who's the abusive one?

So he's a water torturer - very nasty people, usually seen wearing a sneer

ImperialBlether Thu 04-Feb-16 20:12:54

I'd like to hear what he's saying to your son while you're out. I think that would be very revealing.

velocitygir1 Thu 04-Feb-16 20:35:30

It seems to me that there might be more to regards to your sons reaction to you going out do not know what bullshit your husband has been telling him whilst you are out, what things he has said that made your son to react so worried etc.

My ex was exactly the same, he brainwashed my son with complete nonsense and now my son hasn't bothered with me for 10 years.

Your bloke is messing your head up,you need to get out lovely.
He seems an arse.

sadinmysoull Thu 04-Feb-16 21:02:12

Sorry for the delay, my laptop is playing up and lost my login details so had to use another account and NC to a similar name.

Ozziefem, I can't argue with your post. You're absolutely right, my son is frightened when I'm drunk, he really doesn't like it. Btw to clarify - I was referring to him not my partner when I mentioned about him not waiting up to see me. I have got back about midnight when I've been out and he should be in bed but won't settle until he's seen me. Anyway, its just an excuse, I shouldn't drink but occasionally have needed some sort of break from everything.

The 3 times in 5 years thing - I've been out many times before and had one or two drinks or no drinks, and then I came back really drunk (and lively/jolly NOT nasty). He got upset so I didn't drink much anytime I went out which was probably around once every 4-5 months. Then it happened on a birthday where I was noticeably drunk, and then recently. Since the most recent time I have vowed to never drink again as its not worth upsetting him.

I am on meds for both depression and anxiety. I had counselling for a while but its ended now, I could go again but the location has changed to somewhere over 10 miles away and I can't travel that far due to panic attacks on buses (dont drive).

Yes water torturer - I have read Lundy Bancroft and identified these traits a while back, if you know much about this kind of person they are highly skilled at making you feel as though its all your own fault. This is where I am right now, feeling like I am in a hell of my own making.

I don't know if he's setting me up when I go out - interesting idea. Never considered it but its possible. But then why would he now ask that I don't go out drinking again?
I'd be able to do the freedom programme because he sleeps til 2pm ish and wouldn't even know I was there, he's not controlling in any other way, I can have whatever friends I want and come and go as I please generally. If anything, he is disinterested in what I'm up to.

It probably all sounds very strange, and that's because it is. He is a raft of contradictions and yes, does have some good points ie encouraging me to do a degree ( I had to quit sadly halfway through due to depression), he will do some household chores off his own back, some days more than I can manage even, spending time talking to DS and I've overheard them chatting sometimes and they do have a nice relationship.

Velocitygirl thats awful about your son. I am so sorry to read that sad

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: