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Is this an affair?

(62 Posts)
mutteringminnie Thu 04-Feb-16 09:53:10

Been with DH for over 20 years and he's lovely, kind and I wouldn't suspect him of any wrong behaviour... until before xmas. I found a string of emails to a women half his age in another office. There's no smoking gun, no explicitly sexual stuff. But there is a volume of cosy chat about likes, dislikes, future plans, the children.... there's also a poem written for her, flirty talk of meeting in the spare office, some evasive talk about the after party at the office do....

So I confronted him. He admitted it was all looking a bit wrong but claimed it was never an affair and he was just bored at work and needed company and enjoyed the attention of an attractive young lady. Told him he looked like a sad old man chasing a young girl and to stop it. He didn't go to the office party.

So far so good. But he was away overnight this week in her town so I had to check again. Again, no smoking gun, but still loads of to and fro, gutted they're missing each other at the office party, alerting he'll be there this week, more chat about favourite films etc. And a flirty suggestion about hiring a car and going off together for the weekend.

What the heck? Is this just platonic, as he claims? Am I unwilling to admit he's pulling the wool over my eyes? And what should I do next??? It's too hard/sensitive to talk to family and friends about but I need advice.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Thu 04-Feb-16 09:55:08

I'm sorry but that is an affair. It might not be a physical one but it's definitely an emotional one flowers

BitOutOfPractice Thu 04-Feb-16 09:56:29

Sounds like an emotional affair to me sad

Soapmaker34 Thu 04-Feb-16 09:56:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RebootYourEngine Thu 04-Feb-16 09:56:48

Yes it is an emotional affair.

Also they talk about going away together. How can that be platonic. Just because he hasnt done anything physical he clearly wants to.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Feb-16 09:56:57

Does he have an iPhone? You can check his location on it for the day he was in her town.

He has betrayed you. He said he would stop and hasn't. I think he wants it to lead somewhere judging by the content of the messages.

This isn't looking good.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 04-Feb-16 09:57:06

You KNOW it's not platonic. Not matter what he says.
Crikey, read your post again.
It's not looking good.
They want to hire a car and go off together FFS.
Stop listening to his bollox and get this sorted.

Owllady Thu 04-Feb-16 09:59:38

Well I have never checked my husband's emails but if he was planning a weekend away with some one with telling me, yes I'd suspect it was an affair! Is he a bit naive? You've already told him you're reading his emails. I'd be furious with you btw. But he's carried on. I'd also be furious if I was you, but I can't believe you are asking sad

WhatTheActualFugg Thu 04-Feb-16 10:05:17

OP I'm so sorry for you. flowers

Of course this isn't OK behaviour. Whatever label it has, it's not good.

I think you need to tell him what you've seen and let his reaction tell you what it is. If he's sorry and doesn't want to lose you then a move and/or job change is required immediately. But if he's not offering this himself or is at the least very enthusiastic about taking it as seriously as it is, then you probably need to prep yourself to leave.

I'm so sorry.

LastOneDancing Thu 04-Feb-16 10:05:18

The fact that he was 'caught' first time and didn't wise up would speak volumes to me. It's betrayal of your marriage and your trust.

People will have much wiser advice, but my gut instinct would be to tell him to fuck off in his rented car to watch his favourite movie with his special friend and start gathering financial information. I'd probably email her too and ask her to stop indulging my husbands mid life crisis - although I appreciate this is frowned on on MN.

But I'd be heartbroken OP. I'm sorry he's a prick.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 04-Feb-16 10:05:51

Easy for me an outsider to say this but I think you need to be more assertive. He's not paid heed to the talk you had last time, if anything things are stepping up.

You can't drive yourself crazy checking emails and policing him.

Either you ignore this and hope for the best or you tell him your patience has run out and there's the door if he's so bored at home.

WhatTheActualFugg Thu 04-Feb-16 10:07:45

Oh, and reading a partner's emails isn't an issue between people who have nothing to hide.

I frequently read DHs emails. Our own emails feed in to the same inbox. This is not 'checking', it's sharing.

PeppermintPasty Thu 04-Feb-16 10:10:42

Agreed, it's an emotional affair at the very least, on the brink of physical if it hasn't happened already. Sorry.

From experience, the only thing to do is confront and chuck out, a short sharp shock.
Very difficult to do in reality of course, but a quicker route to you getting the answers you need instead of, for example, hoping it will blow over/leaving it completely, only to find years down the line that he's a serial cheat and you've wasted those years with him.

If I had my time again I would take the quick route, instead of suffering years of protracted pain and doubt.

WhatTheActualFugg Thu 04-Feb-16 10:12:38

You can't let it go OP. Hoping for the best isn't going to help. I really don't think that should be an option.

I know it's difficult.

Eminado Thu 04-Feb-16 10:13:34

"Either you ignore this and hope for the best or you tell him your patience has run out and there's the door if he's so bored at home."

^^
Absolutely this.

FredaMayor Thu 04-Feb-16 10:17:16

Take control and insist that this stops straight away with him ceasing any contact by whatever means is necessary with this young woman, and then showing you proof that he's done it.

There is a chance that they haven't done the deed and you could rescue something from this mess. If there is no change then you have your answer.

Do you know any of H's co-workers? They will be aware of what is going on.

WhatTheActualFugg Thu 04-Feb-16 10:20:21

You can't really insist a partner closes off an affair though, can you?

You can give them a wake up call and hope they come to their senses but essentially they'll either want to stop, or not.

Who wants to be married to someone who isn't having an affair because you've told them not to?

FredaMayor Thu 04-Feb-16 10:24:29

You can't really insist a partner closes off an affair though, can you?

You're right of course. I meant (clumsily) the stance that OP should take. What H does will be a matter for him.

ImperialBlether Thu 04-Feb-16 10:27:21

I agree. You can't end someone else's affair, but you can tell them to get out. He needs a wake up call, OP. He's treating you like you're daft.

OhShutUpThomas Thu 04-Feb-16 10:27:54

Absolutely an affair.

I take it he wouldn't mind if you were doing the same? hmm

Sorry this is happening OP flowers

Goingtobeawesome Thu 04-Feb-16 10:27:59

Sorry, OP, he's thinking with his dick and not about you.

Pseudo341 Thu 04-Feb-16 10:31:10

Yes it's an affair. Even if nothing physical has happened it's still an emotional affair and that in many ways is harder to cope with because you're made to feel unreasonable for objecting to what you will see in hindsight is so very obviously out of order. I'm so sorry OP.

Xmasbaby11 Thu 04-Feb-16 10:33:40

I hope you've kicked him out by now and given him some time to think about why he thinks this is acceptable behaviour.

I'm sorry. You must be gutted.

He is investing his emotional energy outside of your relationship. He is having an Emotional Affair. That is disrespectful of you and your marriage.

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/affairs/my-partner-isnt-having-physical-affair-very-close-someone-else-should-i-be-worried

Are there wider problems in your relationship or is it only this "friendship" that is the problem?

VocationalGoat Thu 04-Feb-16 10:52:14

It's an affair OP. sad
This is exactly how DH and I ended up together but we were both divorced and available. But still, because we were work colleagues and mindful of all that this embodied, we sort of kept our contact minimal. At the time, neither one of us thought we were flirting at all or being inappropriate.
There was nothing racy or lewd written between us, no sexual innuendo or banter... why? Because we were falling into something deeper... this wasn't about getting between the sheets and having a bit of fun. We just thought we had a good friendship. But in retrospect, we were already emotionally involved and things just evolved from there. It was much bigger than we chose to acknowledge at the time.

Don't downplay this.

In some ways, an emotional affair is worse because it's not just a physical 'sex' thing. There's 'investment'... a compassion and interest in the other person... a longing and desire that is 'emotional' as opposed to just getting each other's rocks off. This is a threatening situation and it's time to face the lion in the den. Your DH, if he's an honourable man, will do the right thing but you have to put that option in front of him and force his hand a bit here because, as another poster put it, his dick is doing the thinking. He should leave his work place and cut off all ties from this woman.

Yes... leave his work place. It's a massive decision to make but if he is a man of honour and if he has respect for your marriage, it's an easy decision.
God what does he think you are, a complete mug?

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