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Chocking my baby

(94 Posts)
Rdls25 Thu 04-Feb-16 07:28:16

Yesterday was my nephews 4th birthday party while getting ready to go home my husband accidentally locked his keys in car so I left my 8 month old son in the care of my mum I placed my baby on the floor with my 2 nieces and 1 nephew as I've done many times before. Anyway on my way home my mum decides to tell me while I was outside my nephew decides to sit behind my son and put his arms round to the front of my son and strangle him! My mum jumped in straight away and took my son away as far as I know nothing was said to him or him ***** as when I came in I knew none the wiser. Bit of background to my nephew he's a real stickler for being naughty his mum and dad split up as his dad was physically and mentally abusive to my sister he used to encourage my nephew to play up and be nasty. He's always been naughty but never anything like that always purposely destroying stuff at our houses and finding it funny. when he was told off he smirked and wasn't bothered at all, apparently everyone commented that he knew full well what he was doing. I'm really ** off and upset for my son and I certainly think he's old enough to know not to strangle a baby. I'm really ** off that I wasn't told straight away and really annoyed that he wasn't punished for it. I don't want to fall out with my sister as I do love going round to see her and all the kids including my nephew but now I certainly don't trust my nephew round my son . It's just sat mulling on my brain really irritating me that it happened he wasn't punished and I wasn't told anything of it am I right to be annoyed should I say something? Sounds daft but I almost feel like I can't think of a better word but assaulted I know it sounds dramatic but I can't think of a better word

ChoudeBruxelles Thu 04-Feb-16 07:30:28

How old is your nephew? Is it possible he was cuddling your ds but with his arms inte wrong place

bittapitta Thu 04-Feb-16 07:33:35

He's 4 so your mum should have admonished him at the time of the incident. I assume she did? You can't expect anyone to "punish" him now so long after. Don't leave your baby and him together for a while. You could mention in passing to your sister but it's not worth falling out over, you didn't witness the incident so it might have been kids being kids.

Rdls35 Thu 04-Feb-16 07:38:05

He's 4 and my mum shouted at him but i think he should be punished I think he needs to know it's not ok I don't know if he was trying to cuddle him all I know is he's very jealous of him round his mum and he smirked when when my mum shouted at him he's been told about being careful round him I just no longer trust him round my boy

Dreamonastar Thu 04-Feb-16 07:40:59

Oh, come on - I did this to a dog at a similar age and I wasn't being naughty, I thought I was hugging him (luckily it was a particularly laid back sort of dog used to small children!)

It is much better to explain why something shouldn't be done than just shout at a 4 year old.

Rdls35 Thu 04-Feb-16 07:42:14

My mum just told him to get off everyone's a bit ancy about telling him off and his mum knew he did it but never said anything especially because it was his birthday. I know kids are kids and he's accidentally been hurt a few times which nothing a hug didn't resolve I just really feel he went too far this time

Rdls35 Thu 04-Feb-16 07:47:30

He knows how to cuddle my son he's done it plenty of times he knows to be careful round him my sister is currently teaching him not to hit girls as he's been in a lot of trouble for hitting girls probably after seeing his dad do it

Dreamonastar Thu 04-Feb-16 07:49:01

Does he come from a home where domestic abuse is common, then?

I mean - do you feel he actually intended to hurt your son?

Do you feel he's got some sort of evil malicious intentions towards him?

SpaceDinosaur Thu 04-Feb-16 07:50:24

Is sounds to me, given your explanation of nephew's past that you believe or are concerned that the abuse he has witnessed and been subjected to is manifesting itself in your nephew abusing, hurting and harming other people and objects.

You're probably right but that would need your sister to appreciate that and seek professional help for him before he becomes a violent or aggressive older child.

gamerchick Thu 04-Feb-16 07:52:01

Sounds like you want to believe he did it on purpose to hurt your baby.

He's 4 and had a shit start in life. Labelling him as naughty is a pretty crap thing for your family to do. Poor little bugger.

Don't leave your child unsupervised and tell your sister to get that bairn some help if he's having problems.

Rdls35 Thu 04-Feb-16 07:56:07

Hi space dinosaur yes I do think he needs help I think my sister knows it too i don't want to fall out with her I'm just more bothered that not much was done about it not even say and explained not to do it.

He has seen domestic violence my sister was with his dad for ten years before they finally split one of my nieces is currently being counciled with her school as she's struggling with it

We've all tried the sit down and talk he's 4 approach it doesn't work! People literally refuse to babysit him because he plays up so much they will have my nieces but not my nephew

Rdls35 Thu 04-Feb-16 07:58:54

Fair enough he's had a bad start I get it my family support my sister as much as we can but does this make it OK to strangle a baby he needs to understand it's not ok

mudandmayhem01 Thu 04-Feb-16 08:01:30

Her son was not unsupervised, he was left in the care of her mum who immediately responded to the situation.

Rdls35 Thu 04-Feb-16 08:02:39

I don't think he has malicious intentions towards I just think it's something he did I do t think he understands its not ok and would like for my sister to have at least explained that to him

ricketytickety Thu 04-Feb-16 08:10:38

Sounds like he has attachment issues resulting from the abuse. It means his feelings are separated from his actions regarding others. To sort it out he needs family therapy. An educational pyschologist should assess him at school. Punishment/rewards don't usually work with children who see everything as control rather than loving care.

It's hard because your sis is prob in denial about how the domestic abuse impacted him. I would say he may well have been hurt directly himself.

You could talk to him about trust and love - how bigger people look after little people because we want to care for them. But he needs professional help.

gamerchick Thu 04-Feb-16 08:15:11

Explaining things to a traumatised child won't work. Your sister needs to get him help, tell the GP he's witnessed domestic violence all of his life and it's left its mark and would like to get him some help.

Better do it now when he's young and pliable because in 10 years he'll be bigger and a lot harder to control.

Rdls35 Thu 04-Feb-16 08:15:38

I agree I'd like to talk to my sister I'm more gutted that I can't trust him now ive always opened my arms and my house to him as I do love him to pieces and what's a broken ornament at the end of the day but when it comes to hurting my son then the line stops there I'm gutted i Honestly love him to pieces but I think enough is enough

gamerchick Thu 04-Feb-16 08:30:28

Of course you don't trust him if he attempted to hurt your baby and of course you no longer trust him.

Just please try to keep it in your head that it's not because he's naughty and is in control of what he's doing. He's been damaged by what he's seen and needs help. Early intervention can be much more effective than trying to put an adult back together.

Maybe speak to your mother first about approaching your sister?

Rdls35 Thu 04-Feb-16 08:45:39

Ohh Ye that's a good idea I worry he's just like his dad, running through his family there's a history of anger and abuse his dad's brothers are just the same. Is it possible for a child to just be like that

hellsbellsmelons Thu 04-Feb-16 08:55:09

Yep - it's the abuse cycle.
It's what they learn at home and he has unfortunately seen it so thinks it is OK to do it.
Your Sis has got away now though and the cycle can certainly end.
But he will need to learn pretty fast that this behaviour is not OK.
Immediate punishment when any incident like this occurs in the way forward.
Nothing too harsh as he's only small but something needs to be put in place pretty sharpish.

ricketytickety Thu 04-Feb-16 08:56:33

He will have been affected by the abuse. Genetics can play a part when it comes to empathy but that doesn't mean people turn aggressive - that's much more likely to be learnt behaviour.

Offred Thu 04-Feb-16 09:13:49

I think you need to take some responsibility TBH. You left your baby with a child who you know has problems.

Your son wasn't hurt.

Your nephew needs proper support.

It sounds as if all of you are choosing to ignore the problem TBH.

I don't think you can blame it all on a four year old who has been traumatised by domestic violence and I think you are very misguided being miffed at him not being punished.

You need to be more careful about leaving your baby around him and he needs proper therapy.

Rdls35 Thu 04-Feb-16 09:22:12

I don't think I was wrong leaving my son around him he was supervised and has never hurt my son before and when he does hurt someone it's usually smacks and kicks my nieces have "problems" as you like to call them but don't go strangling a baby I think I have the right to be pissed that he was not even told not do it issues or no issues. How do you know my son wasn't hurt if my mum never told me I wouldn't have even known he was hurt or not!

Offred Thu 04-Feb-16 09:28:06

Because I would have thought that would be your main concern rather than judging your nephew as genetically evil... hmm

Yes, you were unwise to leave your baby around a child or children that you know have problems with violence and a history of being in an violent home.

It is a lot of responsibility to just hand to someone else even if it is your mum. You expected her to supervise your baby around 3 children of a violent home who you know have issues.

As a family I think you could all do with taking this more seriously.

I don't think telling him off is the appropriate action in dealing with this. He needs proper behavioural therapy.

gamerchick Thu 04-Feb-16 09:40:16

I don't think punishments and tellings off will work either. It's not as if he saw his dad being punished when he saw him abusing his mother and god knows what else.

He needs therapy and love bombing, to be shown that there is a life outside of violence and a much happier way to behave and that needs to start asap. Treating him as a naughty boy where all he sees is growls in the eyes of the people who are supposed to love him will make things worse. He'll end up fitting into the label you all have ready for him.

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