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Pressure to see family more making me feel really guilty

6 replies

TwentyOneGuns · 04/02/2016 07:14

My DM lives about an hour and a half - 2 hours away from us, we probably see them on average once a month for a day or weekend, we speak on the phone at least once a week and text in between. I guess I'd like to see more of them but the distance plus the fact that DH and I both work full time and have the usual commitments outside means it's just not really practical. Weekends are full of ferrying teen DD around, shopping, house stuff and trying to have a bit of time to ourselves.

DM makes it obvious she wishes she saw us more though. When DD was younger and I worked part time or at home we did meet more regularly but I see it as a natural progression that we can't so much now, most people go back to work full time when their kids are older don't they? DM and SD moved recently but within the same area, I understand why as they have friends and hobbies there but I can't help thinking if she was that bothered about seeing us more she'd have moved nearer. My Dad lives a similar distance away, we see him a bit less but he never seems to mind.

I do sympathise because I see DD growing up and know I'll miss her when I dont see her as often but I hope I'll let her lead her life and that when she sees us it will be because she wants to not that I've guilt tripped her into it.

Like most working mums I'm trying hard to please everyone and juggling work with family life - close and extended - in a way DM has never really done. It's annoyed me a bit that she's making me feel bad about something I can't really change but it's made me wonder now if I should be doing more.

How do other people manage with ageing parents, kids, work and trying to have a life?

OP posts:

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TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 04/02/2016 07:25

Once a month is good in given your circumstances and the distance.
I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for.

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MatildaTheCat · 04/02/2016 07:39

Yes, I sympathise with this. Do you always go there to visit or do they come to you as well? Just wondering if they might for example want to come over for an occasional afternoon when you are working to collect DC from school and do supper etc? Then after a catch up and early meal go off home again without you really needing to disrupt your routine.

It's nice that they want to see you more but they will need to be more adaptable and imaginative as to how its achievable given your work and other commitments.

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SSargassoSea · 04/02/2016 07:48

Why can't DM come to yours?

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Fadingmemory · 04/02/2016 08:34

DD is 21 and at university. I miss her but that is my problem, not hers. She comes home in the holidays and I occasionally go and see her where she is studying for a day at the weekend. She graduates in June and could go anywhere. If and when she has children, it will be for her and her partner to see how visits/babysitting can be fitted in. I will not try to guilt trip her with regard to how often I see them.

I had my role as a constant in her life until she was 18. Once a month sounds fine - expect your DM has friends who are constantly in their grown up children's lives and may be envious of them. Somehow you have to have the conversation and lay it in the line gently and firmly. I grew up with parents who used emotional blackmail and it was miserable. Hope you can resolve matters

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SSargassoSea · 04/02/2016 08:56

Can be interesting to look at the past. Did DM live in the pocket of her DM?? What was that relationship.
On the other hand she might never have visited much at all.
Knowing the past relationships can help in deciding how you respond to DM.

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TwentyOneGuns · 04/02/2016 19:46

They do come to us as well, it's not always us going there. I think though that DM would like to see us not only more often but for longer - I'd like that too but 20 days holiday doesn't go far and as I said weekends are pretty full most of the time. I really do see where she's coming from but just don't think she has any idea how tricky it can be to juggle everything .