Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Not sure if I'm being an insecure idiot or if I have reason to be suspicious?

(23 Posts)
Defiant Wed 03-Feb-16 22:17:52

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, since I was 18.

In December he told me he was unhappy, he felt like I didn't show him enough affection. Which is true really, I do struggle with physical affection but I've always tried to make up for it in other ways. Like my way of showing my love is to take care of him by cooking nice meals, giving him little gifts etc. Sometimes I think he is too needy, he constantly says I love you (often upwards of 5+ times a day) and if I don't say it back right away he views it as a rejection. Same if I don't want to hold hands or let him cuddle me. Like my favourite thing to do is lie in bed together, not touching, just talking or reading but he always wants drape himself over me or tangle our legs together and while I enjoy that sometimes it can be too much at other times. So I've been trying to be more affectionate and it's genuinely been nice but it is a struggle and sometimes I feel suffocated and need alone time.

Recently he has started to really focus on his appearance, dressing nicely, going to the gym etc. At first I thought he might have been feeling a bit inspired by me since I've been attempting to lose weight and make an effort with the way I look but it doesn't feel like it.

These days I am not a jealous or insecure person but I used to be. He was my first (and only) boyfriend and for the first year of our relationship when I was 18-19 I was quite badly behaved. Very jealous, insecure, no confidence or self-esteem. But I have not been like that for the past 6 years though he still sometimes acts as if I am. Before he goes out he will sometimes say stuff like "Don't worry, I'm not gonna cheat on you" but I always laughed it off because I trusted him 100%.

The other day I was using his phone to text my sister (no credit on mine, I often use his since he has a contract) and I saved a message to drafts. Later when I went back to find it I saw there were other draft/unsent messages to another woman, including a couple from that day, saying things like "You look so pretty" and "I will do anything to cheer you up". So I went snooping (I know, I know...). The thread of actually sent messages had been deleted. If he was just texting a friend why bother deleting the thread? Now he's done things like this in the past, messaging girls kinda flirty things and he's admitted that he likes the attention. I thought we had worked through it, and hadn't thought about it in years, but obviously not.
He did it back in August too. I saw he had been messaging a girl he used to be FWB with and deleting the messages. He said they were just catching up after not speaking for several years and he only deleted them because he didn't want me to get upset if I saw them. I just said I don't care who he's friends with and if they were just catching up why hide it? I have never ever tried to come between him and his friends. He made me feel like I was being an unreasonable bitch, all silly and petty, but I let it go. I thought maybe he was still worried I'd revert back to my silly teenage behaviour even though at the point I was 25 and hadn't acted like that in years!

Now he's not secretive with his phone, he often lets me use it, doesn't hide it or anything. So I'm mostly sure that I'm just being an idiot but there's a part of me that believes he is at least planning to cheat if he hasn't already and I don't know what to do. Do I let it go? Do I confront him? If so, how? I fear if I just ask him about it he will brush me off and make me feel like an idiot.

I've just recently stopped taking my antidepressants and I was feeling normal until this and now I can feel myself unraveling slightly & I feel worried. I've got no one else. No friends. Can't talk to my sister about this.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambley and so stupid compared to other issues that get posted here but I just need some advice or reassurance or a kick because I'm being an idiot.

MatrixReloaded Wed 03-Feb-16 22:21:29

Your not being an idiot. Who is this woman ?

228agreenend Wed 03-Feb-16 22:25:49

You are not being an idiot, and trust your instincts.

It certainly sounds like something is up. I wouldn't like my dh texting other girls in a flirty way. I don't think that's very appropriate.

I think the way he speaks to,you is disrespectful. You don't deserve it.

Not sure what to advise, apart from keep an eye on things. Maybe it is a storm in a teacup, but maybe it's not.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Feb-16 22:30:55

The only idiot here is him, it sounds like

Defiant Wed 03-Feb-16 23:29:12


I'm not sure who she is. Someone he met on a night out probably.

I don't want to go snooping again but I feel like I need to, see if there are anymore texts or anything. I don't want to start acting crazy but I need to get to the bottom of it and I feel like if I ask him outright he will deny or make out like I'm being unreasonable.

MatrixReloaded Wed 03-Feb-16 23:53:11

I would absolutely snoop.

If he's taken a woman's number on a night out that's a deal breaker in my book. As is texting an ex fb. I'm sorry to say if he hasn't cheated it certainly sounds like he's open to it. Do you have dcs ? How often does he go out ?

HeddaGarbled Wed 03-Feb-16 23:57:23

Do you think your relationship might have run it's course? You got together very young and you are both still young plus some of his behaviour irritates you and makes you feel suffocated.

Why don't you have any friends? Is it because you've allowed yourself to get too wrapped up in this relationship to the exclusion of other people?

Do you work?

I understand why you feel anxious but actually this turn of events could be your escape from a relationship which is no longer good for you.

Defiant Thu 04-Feb-16 04:53:55

We do have a child. He doesn't go out often at all, like once a month.

I used to have lots of friends but a combination of post-natal depression and moving to the other end of the country meant I lost touch with them all. I'm slowly making friends again but they're not established friendships yet. Yes, I do work.

I'm the happiest I've been in years and I thought he was too. Telling me he was unhappy was a bit of a shock, tbh. Maybe the relationship has run it's course. Something to think about definitely.

WhoWants314 Thu 04-Feb-16 13:58:51

He sounds like a narcissistic little vacuum hoovering up attention like it's oxygen.

But maybe I'm being unfair to him, you've been together a long time and it's ok to realise that you have different needs. Time to face up to the possibility of splitting up.

BlondeOnATreadmill Thu 04-Feb-16 14:12:44

The facts are the facts.

1. He told you he's unhappy.
2. He feels like he doesn't get enough affection from you.
3. He is texting other women.
4. He is young and probably regrets playing the field.
5. He is focusing on his looks, more then he used to.

He is either cheating, or planning to.

If it talks like a duck and walks like a duck....then it is a duck.

I would definitely snoop. You really do need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Fwiw (and this is a bit depressing) every guy I know, cheated on their Partner, when they were in their 20's. A mixture of immaturity, overload of testosterone? Goodness knows. confused

Defiant Thu 04-Feb-16 15:27:30

He is 32, has had other relationships and flings and so on.
He did cheat on every other girlfriend he's had... so why would it be any different now? Think he is just bored of me now.

Gosh, this is all I've ever known really, can't even imagine what it'd be like to be single. Or even how to go about it.

ImperialBlether Thu 04-Feb-16 15:34:53

Think of this as your starter relationship. One thing's for certain, if you end it yourself you'll feel a hell of a lot better about yourself than if he does. You were very young when you met and obviously you've changed a lot since. It doesn't sound as though he's changed; he sounds the same faithless bastard that he was when you met him.

superbfairywren Thu 04-Feb-16 15:44:12

It really sounds like you need to talk to him. Tell him what you saw on his phone, if he lets you use it you have no need to explain yourself, just ask who the messages were to and why. See what he says. If he isn't happy in the relationship he might be looking elsewhere and its definitely better you find out now. From the sounds of it you are in a good place mentally. Just talk to him, see what he has to say for himself and explain how seeing the messages made you feel. If you're not really bothered then maybe you aren't that invested in your relationship either.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 04-Feb-16 16:19:40

Single is not a status.
It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad Thu 04-Feb-16 18:41:05

He will have another phone somewhere. Usually in the glovebox or the boot of the car.

OzzieFem Thu 04-Feb-16 19:13:48

Did you stop your antidepressants yourself or were you taken off them by your GP? So where was he when you were using his phone? I don't know too many people who leave their phone at home if they are out, unless as TwoTwentyGowerRoad mentioned he has another phone. flowers

Defiant Sat 06-Feb-16 02:31:17

I've been weaning off my ADs since December with my GPs approval. Also when I was using his phone he was in the same room as me! Obviously he just thought he'd not left any trace.

I asked him about it and at first he played dumb, acted as if he had no clue what I was on about, so I quoted a few of the messages and he then claimed they were just friends having a chat and he deleted them because he knew that if I saw them I'd get upset. I told him that that was a lie because it was the same bullshit he said after all the other times. Then he went out for a bit and after he came back he admitted that he had been flirting with her and that he never meant to hurt me. Which is absolute crap really, isn't it.

If he had admitted it outright I think I would've wanted to work through it again but because he lied, then tried to make out I was being unreasonable and then lied again I told him I was done.

Thank you all for your advice and insight.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad Sat 06-Feb-16 05:09:59

flowers brew wine The right decision Defiant

bb888 Sat 06-Feb-16 06:17:31

Well done for being so strong. Now you can focus on moving on and not letting him make you question yourself any more.

OzzieFem Sun 07-Feb-16 08:57:09

Defiant - Sorry it has turned out his way, but you have made the right decision. Better a clean break, then continual ups and downs in a relation esp. when you are still on antidepressants.

Do you feel like you will be able to cope while still weaning off them? flowers

Defiant Sun 07-Feb-16 23:23:25

No, I'm not coping.

JohnThomas69 Mon 08-Feb-16 04:36:55

Why would anyone save messages as a draft? Especially one liners. Sounds like he's the needy one and could well be fishing for the attention. Maybe he likes the slightly paranoid and possessive you better regardless of how it leaves you feeling. If that's the case he's a rather tragic individual and you'd live a happier life without him.

bb888 Mon 08-Feb-16 04:48:31

Sometimes partially typed messages save themselves as drafts if they have been sitting inactive for a few minutes.

Is there anyone in real life that you could talk to Defiant? flowers

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: