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Please help me rebuild my life

(11 Posts)
newstartnewthinking Wed 03-Feb-16 21:23:13

Sorry for the self pity post. But I'm currently sitting here on my second large glass of wine with big puffy eyes from crying.

This is my third thread. I had a lot of helpful comments regarding my dilemma with my partner with whom I thought was in short, not that in to me.

I explained my worries and long story short, we are no longer an item as if yesterday. I felt empowered at the time, but I wasn't prepared for just how upset is actually be.

I won't lie, I didn't handle it well. In fact, on reflection I may have acted like a bit if a bunny boiler. The fact now remains, that I'm 99.9 % certain I got him all wrong. Even when I was all guns blazing, he remained dignified and reassuring but admitted that with his exams coming up, he doesn't need the added pressure of my insecurities. He did say we could try again once it's calmed Down. But if I'm honest, I don't believe he means that after the way I went at him. I think he was just worried about my wellbeing and wanted to calm me down.

So today, purely because I'm low, feeling unlovable and a failure. I got in touch with an old fling. A man who used me for sex and strung me along. After 5 mins on the phone, the old negative feelings of feeling like a nobody came flooding back. I told him it was a mistake and I shouldn't have called him. What was I thinking? What did I think I'd achieve?

I am fully aware I need counselling. It's on my list and I'll book it tomorrow. I am looking for someone else.- a man to validate me, to love me. Yet I know how pathetic and needy that is. I have beautiful children who love me unconditionally. Why am I still searching for more.

I feel worthless right now. Rejected and foolish for letting the only man who I now believe to be genuine, slip through my fingers. I'm angry that I can just be happy with me.

So I need real support -please. I genuinely can't focus on every day tasks in hand. To be distracted by volunteering would be irresponsible seeing as Imy mind wouldn't be fully on it. But I do need tips on distraction. Please. I'm feeling like I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I've had years of abuse from the father of my children. I never addressed that with counselling. I feel so alone

newstartnewthinking Wed 03-Feb-16 22:33:36

Anyone?

jazzyg Wed 03-Feb-16 22:54:38

I couldn't read and run! Hope you are ok. If he mentioned the possibility of trying again at some point then I'm sure he meant it but for now concentrate on looking after yourself. Book the counselling if you feel that would help. Don't dwell on ringing the old fling - there's been no harm done as it was only a conversation. As for distractions, think about doing things you enjoy - watch films you love, have the hot bubble baths, eat pizza and drink wine on a weekday, spend ages browsing in a bookshop etc. Sometimes it's the little things that make a difference. Hope you feel better soon OP.

Itisbetternow Wed 03-Feb-16 23:06:49

My distraction was to take up running. Meant I became fitter too and kept myself busy.

janaus Wed 03-Feb-16 23:09:44

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there, and don't rush into any decisions yet. Give yourself time to heal, and grieve. I am sure counselling will help. Hope to be doing that myself soon.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 03-Feb-16 23:14:23

I am looking for someone else.- a man to validate me, to love me

You're right. This is not only "pathetic and needy", it also means that you're giving your power to men who may not care about you as much you want them to.

Please wait until you've finished a course of counselling sessions before you embark on any more relationships that can only chip away at your self-esteem until you learn how to validate and love yourself.

I genuinely can't focus on every day tasks in hand Are you saying that your dc go unwashed, unfed and miss school because you are too busy focusing on your lack of, or need for, a man to 'validate' you?

Engaging with the wider community, whether through voluntary or paid work, will serve to direct your focus away from yourself and stop the non-productive treadmill of self-absorption that you appear to have fallen victim to because you have no interests outside of, or interest in anything except, yourself.

Counselling will help you deal with the ongoing effects of your abusive relationship with the father of your dc, but I would also suggest that you make contact with Women's Aid and enrol on the Freedom Programme asap as going at a guy, who may or may not be all that into you, as if you were a 'bunny boiler' is abusive behaviour that you should be actively seeking to avoid. www.womensaid.org.uk

The longer you leave it to seek help for your issues, the more alone you're going to become. It doesn't have to be like this, but only you can bring about the necessary changes to your negative way of thinking.

pallasathena Thu 04-Feb-16 09:45:11

You need to learn to love yourself. From what you say, I get the impression that you don't for whatever reason, its probably related to the abuse you suffered from your ex. Suffering like that can make you feel unworthy of love and maybe that's part of the dynamic here.

What would make you love yourself more than you currently do? What could you do, realistically, to bolster some self esteem and meaningful confidence in your own self worth?
Think hard on those questions. You have children who love you unconditionally don't you? Start with that.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 04-Feb-16 10:15:37

It's already been mentioned but please contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme.
This will help you in all sorts of ways.
Give them a call today and get signed up.
I'm sorry you need this validation and counselling is a very good idea.
Make sure to get that appointment booked as well.
You will be fine.
Just give it time and get some help.

PaperDollChain Thu 04-Feb-16 12:29:16

Oh op, I really feel for you. Breakups are hard! Really hard.

You are only a day or so into the breakup and of course it hurts. I've been through this a few times now, and ime the worst of it lasts about two weeks. There is no way to fast track this part of the grieving process. You just have to go through the motions as best you can. Take it a day or even an hour at a time but you WILL come through this better and stronger.

I haven't rea your previous posts but There is a reason you broke up with him, don't let the pain you are experiencing now dissuade you from that. And so what, you might feel you didn't handle the break up well. You're not the first, won't be the last. One day you will be able to laugh at it.

In the mean time, look after yourself. Make sure you're eating and drinking. Sleep when you can. Do some gentle exercise, go for a walk in the fresh air. There will be plenty of time for distraction techniques when you're over the initial heartbreak. Remember, this WILL get better. By the sounds of things, you've been through worse.

I also found the baggage reclaim website good and the book 'it's called a break-up because it's broken' good for giving me some perspective.

Keep posting too. We're all here for you flowers.

BlondeOnATreadmill Thu 04-Feb-16 12:48:22

It sounds as though this guy actually really liked you, but found your insecurities hard to handle. He has suggested trying again, which speaks volumes. If I was you, I would text/email him, and tell him you were an absolute dick and that you're sorry. And that you will leave him alone until his exams are over. Then leave him be. See what happens. But yes, you do need to address why you place so much store on any man.

Angieyy1 Thu 04-Feb-16 20:24:22

I have been like that in the past I needed a man to make me happy and I was so lost inside ....it didint matter where I was that feeling of been empty followed me around ... I was running away from myself I didint like my thoughts or myself and I wasn't a bad person I just felt weak and had low self esteem and no confidence and never wanted to be alone ..... I then met a guy who was so busy with work and I loved him so much that I had to learn to be on my own I started taking vitamin b12 and magnesium and started journaling all my thoughts I then bought a cognative therapy book and worked through it ... I was needy in a relationship always needed attention and validation ... I then started going to the gym and went back to college I'm nearly 40 .... Iv just started horse riding lessons and I'm learning to ride a motorbike ...... My boyfriend has just split up with me and I'm devastated I wanted to marry him and I loved him completely we planned to ride bikes together in summer .... I'm still doing it but this time im doing it for me .... Iv have a bucket list for this year they are tiny things and things I fear but each time I tick one off I feel amazing but want to cry as I want to share it with him but I can't he doesn't want me and never will but I have to get on with my life for me and know I'm worth more smile and so are you too xx

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