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Please tell me how you discuss stuff or agree to disagree

(7 Posts)
meoryou Wed 03-Feb-16 19:47:38

hi all

I fear I am going to lose my marbles over this and would appreciate some guidance/arse-kicking, if appropriate. married 11 years. separating actively over last 6 months. both under same roof.
So stbxh and I are having horrendous problems communicating - the main reason for our separation actually.

My resentment/frustration happens thus;

I'm almost constantly bad cop when disciplining the kids/trying to get them to up their game with homework (this is not daily)

I spend hours each week saying ' that's not what I said' or 'I don't understand what you're saying to me' (generally because its a totally leftfield comment he's made - incidentally my mother often does the same)

*If i'm upset and say something along the lines of ^ ' im a bit sad that when I try to talk with you about xyz, you deny the issue immediately, and that's the end of the discussion. We cant learn to agree or discuss if you keep doing this'^; I get the 'what do you want me to say' response.

I either say well we could approach it like this (making a suggestion)
or say 'its not something I can answer for you' or 'what do you do in work if this happens?'

Please, where am I going wrong? What the fuck is so reprehensible about me that invokes these kind of interactions several times a week?

Believe me, this is me picking my battles - the other stuff I overlook because I am just too tired.

Cabrinha Wed 03-Feb-16 20:44:49

Honestly, I think if you couldn't sort it when married, you're a bit fucked during the separation under the same roof period - sorry. How long until one or both of you moves out?

My daughter gives me that shit about good cop / bad cop (thanks, stepmum hmm) It's bollocks. You're simply a parent. You go the fun stuff and the keeping them on track stuff. You can't drop the homework stuff - that's being a good parent. So just be extra mindful to allow yourself time for fun stuff too. Take your STBXH out of that equation - don't let yourself take on a role of the bad cop.

My 7yo and I go like this:
- mummy, you're the bad cop
- uh huh, like when we stayed up late last night because we wanted to finish dancing to Katy Perry. Soooooo bad cop
- oh yeah! giggle

I'd work on disengaging from these convos with your STBXH, not trying to improve comms. It's just not a great time, too much added tension.

When he makes a left field comment that he won't explain, don't ask him to. Just say "mmmmm? That's nice". Or "mmmmm? Really?" And move on. Polite disinterest.

meoryou Wed 03-Feb-16 22:31:52

Thanks! I think the disengage idea is good. I'm much calmer when I can do that.
Fundamentally I've got to change how I react; ie: don't!

Hopefully he'll be out in 6 weeks. We're splitting access 4/3. That's important for both of us. We're undergoing mediation to help us through the separation and in general, it's working ok.

It's sad and stressful but necessary I believe. I've lost too much of myself trying to make it work on my own, generally in the dark about whether it's working or not. Eggshells, arguments etc. Incompatibility is a huge issue for us. I can't be what he wants and keep living like his. I've already had one breakdown....don't want any more.

meoryou Fri 05-Feb-16 19:22:41


Anyone able to help?

deregistered Fri 05-Feb-16 20:45:37

Definitely stop engaging. You are separating because you can't co-parent in the same house and you can't communicate. Don't bother arguing against or responding to his criticism of you. It doesn't have to be aggressive. Just don't respond or nod or smile or say 'oh ok'. I know it's hard.

meoryou Sat 06-Feb-16 16:20:01

thanks - similar advice.
in tears today - total frustration and hurt at his attitude. says hes worried about money - but cant take responsibility for making a basic phonecall to the bank! Yapping about wanting a standard of living.

So im unreasonable for wanting him to move out. Im going to make our family suffer financially. ffs.

running out of goodwill. big time.

Cabrinha Sat 06-Feb-16 17:36:03

You'll probably be less frustrated when you do finally run out of goodwill!
Because then you'll expect less and find yourself less tolerant of his whining!

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