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Libido, hurt, rejection, self esteem & low confidence

(16 Posts)
Bashfulbear Wed 03-Feb-16 13:30:23

Quite a subject heading I know!
All of the above seem to me to be major issues with my marriage. I need some advice based on the above.
I have been married for 16 yrs now, 3 kids. My wife shows me v little affection; she has just been away for 10 days on a hot holiday and has hardly shown me any affection since she returned which I a) need, b) would like as I have been holding the fort for the past 10 days, c) a little thank you would be nice.
She wouldn't kiss me on the lips (but then hasn't for ages) and I feel rejected, hurt, and alone. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety disorder and this reaction just seems to compound some of my feelings. Feeling also that I am being criticised for not doing xyz properly since she has been away.
I have just started therapy and think that we should attend marriage counselling but I don't think she will want to. I am feeling really low, lonely, whilst still adoring her. I have tried so many things to try and make myself more appealing but they just seem to land on deaf ears/fall flat on their face.
I am the sort of person that craves Hunan touch and contact which she knows. I find it hard as she is very affectionate and tactile with her siblings but never with me.
I could go on and on. Any advice or help would be much appreciated. Thank you so much.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Wed 03-Feb-16 16:44:57

Has she checked out? Perhaps you need space to get yourself well, go away for Te days somewhere warm, let her manage. If she told me I hadn't done xyz properly I would tell her she could do it herself next time. Doesn't sound very nice to be in, hope the next posters can help you more.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Wed 03-Feb-16 16:45:40

Go away for ten days, stupid phone, sorry

TheNaze73 Wed 03-Feb-16 22:25:24

I wouldn't put up with that. Go away for 10 days yourself

AnyFucker Wed 03-Feb-16 22:33:18

Time you took a little holiday of your own

Who did she go away with ?

Bashfulbear Sun 07-Feb-16 18:16:45

Thank you for the replies.
Maaaann! I'm really desperate for some affection and I don't mean the whole thing (although that would be lush; it's been over a year since we have been intimate...) Just a cuddle, kiss, lying in bed with her cuddling me and not the other way round. I really need your help/advice. Thank u.

ILikeUranus Sun 07-Feb-16 18:21:57

Has she ever been tactile? When did things change? Why did she go away for 10 days without you - is that usual for both of you in the marriage? Does the balance of responsibilities feel right in your house (do you put the same or equal into work/housework/looking after the kids, or is there some job/hobby which is a bone of contention between you)?

Bashfulbear Sun 07-Feb-16 19:13:05

She went to visit her brother so no, it's not normal for her to go away without me. She doesn't do tactile with me. Not sure when this changed. I think I do my fair share of house & kids stuff. I feel desperately lonely but due to my anxiety and general mental health issue feel that I just can't talk to her about it. I am scared of being rejected further and even her telling me something I really don't want to hear.... I feel in such a mess.

ILikeUranus Sun 07-Feb-16 20:22:38

You need to see a GP and get your depression/anxiety under control before you can really assess what the issues are I think - it affects your perceptions and feelings about things. After that, you need some counselling to look into (and hopefully help) your self esteem problem. Being unhappy in a relationship but not wanting it to end and being too scared to try to improve it is not a healthy situation to be in. Once you have sorted yourself out and you feel stronger mentally, you need to decide whether to leave or whether to try to make the relationship work (by talking to her, and both of you working on it). You can't save the relationship on your own.

Bashfulbear Sun 07-Feb-16 21:16:24

ILUranus, thanks for the tips / advice. Already seen my GP and I'm going through therapy whilst taking medication. I think ur right though, I need to sort my mind out first before tackling this. I just feel so "lonely" which perhaps sounds rather dramatic but it's true. I have read that sleeping naked is very healthy for many reasons. I would be more than happy to do this, but I know she would object and not want to take part - how can I persuade her this might be a good idea not just for our relationship but also other health benefits. She's going think I'm suggesting it for one reason only. How do I make this break through?
I'm willing to try anything and wonder if this would be a starting point?

pocketsaviour Sun 07-Feb-16 22:30:12

I have read that sleeping naked is very healthy for many reasons... how can I persuade her this might be a good idea not just for our relationship but also other health benefits


Bashfulbear Mon 08-Feb-16 15:32:35

Why "no comment"?
SHould I write to her and express my feelings on paper - I would find this much easier to express everything but then how would it be received?

ILikeUranus Mon 08-Feb-16 16:55:31

Your last post reads like: My bank manager said no to a 100 pound loan. How can I manipulate him into trusting me with a million pounds? Forget about sleeping naked with her. It's a loooong way off. You need to fix your relationship before thinking about that. And if it ever is fixed enough to tell her you'd like to sleep naked, just tell her that, but it's likely that she doesn't want to, or she'd be doing it already. If you're more concerned with how much you'd like it than how comfortable she'd be, you need to change how you see her. She's a person too, not just an accessory to your life.

Bashfulbear Mon 08-Feb-16 18:17:15

Fair point - I know she's a person and not an accessory, absolutely. I want to make her happy too, not just me.

gottachangethename1 Mon 08-Feb-16 19:16:14

I think she may have checked out. Think you need to make it crystal clear that this situation is making you Ill & that you know you deserve better treatment. If you're supportive, kind and pulling your weight on the home/kids front then this behaviour is not acceptable from your wife.

Bashfulbear Mon 08-Feb-16 22:58:32

Sorry gottachangethename1, what do you mean by "I think she may have checked out"?

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