Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Contraception issue...

(68 Posts)
sjwms9 Wed 03-Feb-16 12:46:40

Good morning Mumsnet! I really am at a bit of a loss with a situation at the moment that seems to have escalated an I'm not completely sure why; and really need some neutral advice on the matter, in particular a female perspective on things (apologies for making the assumption that Mumsnet is female dominated, but I suspect I probably am right).

I'm not really sure what I am upset about so I will just explain the situation and then let you guys chip your two pennies in. By no means am I saying I am right, but I will be honest about how I feel... And if how I feel is unreasonable will take that on board.

OK. Apologies for what may be a long waffle:

I am in my mid to late 20s and my girlfriend of 11 months is of similar age to myself. We actually have a great relationship (perfect) except for the last few weeks with the following issue. We current use condoms as our sole means of protection. Since we first started having sex regularly with each other she (never prompted by myself) has always (well, every month or so she drops it in conversation lol) been saying words to the effect of "Thanks for being so good about this. I know it's not normal for couples to be relying on condoms so I'll go on the pill or get the coil soon, I just haven't for this month for x, y, z reason". Fair enough...

Condoms for me are a bit of a pain, literally. Many years back I snapped my "banjo" (apologies, the actual term escapes me...), with hindsight this was probably because I was using condoms too small for me which was putting unnecessary pressure on that small strip of skin, which eventually snapped while having sex with my ex partner. After around a month of healing I could have sex again, but with a condom on the problem now was worse as essentially they no longer sit on properly. Regular size condoms essentially slide back off the end of me, probably not helped by the fact that there is now more "play" in the normal skin on my penis, meaning that every 10 to 15 seconds I have to stop and sort it out (inconvenient) and the large condoms fit better but put strain on where the banjo used to be causing pain all the way through sex. I was told by doctors to basically give it a rest for a month as I was agrivating the scar tissue, and see how things went. After 10 weeks or so the symptoms dimished again to the point we could have sex again (we did it 3 times in 10 weeks, at 20 years old!). The scar tissue is quite severe as I tore it 3 times, so another tear and it's going to be even worse to heal. At the time this was what prompted my ex-gf to get a coil as it was having a massive detrimental on my and desire to have sex and thus my confidence, which tbh is what a lot of girls find attractive in me. Without a condom there is virtually no issue of pain for me.

Eventually things didnt work out with us. And during the last 3 years of being single I have either been seeing somebody who most of the time has been on contraception herself (obviously waiting a couple of months when we have agreed we are not seeing any other people) or for more casual encounters have used a condom. As tbh one time every few weeks or so is pain i can deal with but as it is something that gets progressively worse with time. And I am getting to the point where she is noticing that I'm not quite as all over her and not quite enjoying things as much as I used too. Tbh it is a little embarassing at hasnt been a massive deal so I have dealt with it (probably should have mentioned it sooner, but didn't want to for fear of her thinking I was putting pressure on her); and as the condom "issue" was always only a few weeks away from getting round to sorting it I didn't see it escalating to this level.
Recently, I found (by accident) a positive pregnancy test. I know we have been as sensible as we could be, and that it is definitely mine (she couldn't cheat, don't ask how I know but I know lol). When I challenged her on it I was met with "there's nothing to discuss, I don't want to talk about it", when pressed that I wanted to know the situation, I was told "well I was pregnant, now I'm not. End of discussion". I know it's her body, her choice, but I would at least have liked to know what happened to what was essentially 50% mine, aborted, lost naturally? I know it at most could have only been 4 weeks but still, it has hurt me that I wasn't even informed and found out by accident... Am I right on this one or not? Either way I'm hurt and still don't know!

Last week, with the fact that condoms had recently failed, I casually asked when she planned to go on contraception like she has been mentioning; and was met with essentially "I can't go on the pill because I have been on it before and it plays with my hormones, and I can't go on IUD because I have a phobia of that and there is a chance that it could make me infertile". Fair enough, it wasn't the time to have that chat. A few days later I asked if we could have a proper sit down chat about contraception and our current situation. Nothing resolved. Next day I press again that I really want to talk about it, explaining that I understand that it is grossly unfair that she may have to go through something that could mess with her, or something that she is scared of, and that I can't force her but we really need to have a chat about things. As the only thing I can do I am doing and have done, but that has failed and there is something else I want to tell you as you should know (the pain issue, probably worth mentioning at this time that after a drink in the heat of the moment she also doesn't want me to pull out to put protection on, to the point she stops me with her legs. So since then I stop drinking so at least I'm in control later in the night as if I make a bad decision it will be 100% my fault, whether she asked me too or not and I will have to pick up the pieces for the next month).

I realise that it is grossly unfair, and I cannot force her to do anything (except talk to me so we both understand the others issues) but short of never fathering children or never having sex, which again she will interpret as an ultimatum as such, I as a man am out of options. She suggests that I just pull out everytime, something that to be honest sounds easy and I guess physically it is, but in the heat of the moment every instinct of mine is saying not too, then when I do again it just ends up ruining it for me. She says that if I bring it up again she is leaving me on the spot, that if I talk about it to anybody she will do the same, that it is NOT an issue and if I even think it is an issue that we need to break up. However I think I have a right to sit down with her like grown ups and discuss how we both feel about this situation. When asked if she would EVER change her mind, I was told point blank "no. we do not discuss this again for the rest of our lives". At this age I cannot say that I am overly thilled to say that from this day forward I will have to have sex that is painful to the point where I just don't want too. Equally, she can say that she is unwilling to take something that can effect her. A position I fully understand and respect. But on the flipside, it is my body and my choice also, if I feel I cannot physically bring myself to have sex she will also have to respect that, but I can say with the utmost certainty she will make an issue of it as she will feel I am delivering an ultimatum along the lines of "no pill, no sex"; which again isn't my intention.

I feel my main problem I feel is that she is controlling me into what I can even think and feel let alone do by refusing to discuss the issue with anybody, not just her (I am already the one taking all the precautions, ensuring that I remain sober so I don't make a mistake, despite her often requesting I do. Also I feel this is something that couples do discuss as adults. If she can completely ignore an issue and shout at me and throw a panic attack until I back down completely over this, what else in the future may she do that for? I feel literally my only option right now is accepting that I will never physically be able to enjoy sex without my girlfriend having to go through an equally if not more so unpleasant situation, or leave. I guess it is also just unfortunate that her body doesn't agree with contraception (despite being on it between 17 and 23) and mine doesn't tolerate condoms well.

Do you feel I have a right to at least put my reasons forward and warn her of the possible future implications for me. Am I right for at least requesting we sit down as grown ups and talk about it? And I would also be interested to hear your views on the pregnancy situation.
Fwiw I know this is a sensitive issue, and that men often are the bad guys in this, and that the contraception situation is unfair. Just in this instance I genuinely find using condoms regularly something from a severe annoyance through to pain so severe I cannot bring myself to do it. I fully expected the drawbridge to come up at first followed by a chat on calmer less emotionally charged terms. However, she would prefer to pretend or force me to pretend that it is not an issue.
I've confused myself and apologies for the long post, but please, I'd love some neutral opinions on this.

Thanks
Steve

redannie118 Wed 03-Feb-16 13:16:07

Ok it seems the massive issue here is communication. Its perfectly reasonable for you to want to talk about contraception with her, you are adults in a realtionship and you are having sex. Your current method failed and now you want to discuss it . Reading between the lines, I think its possible she wanted to get pregnant and has lost the baby and wants to try again but is too afraid to tell you hence wanting to keep the contraception the way it was.Have you talked about having kids? I think if you can get her to open up about that it may make things clearer for you. If she flat refuses to talk about that either then I think you may need to get serious and tell her there is no way a relationship can survive and be healthy if both parties cannot agree to talk about crucially important issues

Ellarose85 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:04:36

It sounds to me like she wants to get pregnant

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:09:59

<sigh>

Lot of men around this week, eh? Been at least 4 or 5 threads in the last 2 days. I wonder why MN is suddenly being hailed as the font of all knowledge for men with relationship sex issues?

Very interested in this flip-floppy contraceptive-witholding possibly baby-killing* girlfriend of yours. Oh, and more detail about your dodgy peen, please.

*I am pro-choice. I am not, however, pro goady fucker.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:16:20

By the way, OP, my DH also tore his penis there with his ex. He's fine, with or without condoms. You should probably go back to your GP.

sjwms9 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:22:47

I guess it is the 'we are not talking about it, ever, and if we do... My body my choice'. To be honest, I probably did come across as a dick when I said 'as far as I'm concerned I can't use condoms for years rather than months as it has failed and will fail again. Unfortunately I'm out of options so you are going to have to do something'. To be honest, I was annoyed. Not at her answer but the fact she was getting so aggressive and just refusing to accept there was a problem... And as we have never sat down and spoke calmly about it I haven't been able to say that essentially I will not be able to have sex with a condom. As I said she says 'just pull out'. Again, not overly safe but (its pointless pretending otherwise) I find it deeply unsatisfying. It's hard to explain but not being able to orgasm while inside your gf ever (well, until we try for a baby) would end up becoming a big issue. I know it sounds silly but when i do cum theres different levels and pulling out just isnt the same.It's probably the best part of sex for me. don't get me wrong, its fun every now and then but for me it's a pretty basic desire. She can't understand. As far as she is concerned, semen comes out, its all the same..... Physically maybe but mentally, for me, no...

I can completely confirm she does not want to get pregnant. Its almost as if she feels 'her body' her choice' means 'her body, her choice, zero discussion and man has to be completely happy with it'.with contraception maybe but the pregnancy thing did hurt...

Might be worth leaving it.my penis may get used too it eventually. Part of me wants to continue it though as a matter how of principle. That there cannot and will not be ANY issue where we cannot bring it up as a couple. I feel she has complete power over the relationship and I either have to accept it or leave. Which would devastate me as I love her more than anyone and genuinely feel like she is 'the one'. I'm just gutted we might not ever be able to have a normal sex life. I guess I'm also a bit annoyed that since the first month I have taken responsibilty. Drink fuelled mistake which we got away with... This is despite her wanting me and encouraging me not too in the heat of the moment. I know I'm basically saying 'please take all the responsibility off me and onto you please', which is unfair too!!! I feel like there is no right answer until we discuss it... I'm aware the number of blokes who can but just refuse to wear condoms. But I am one of the few where (my own fault when I was younger) they are incredibly unpleasant and only get worse. I guess I'm just upset I feel I can't speak to her without her blowing up, leaving me, having a panic attack when I don't just fold over until I back down... But in order for me to stand up to her I basically can't have sex (quote 'no other guy I've slept with has had this problem'. Equivalent to me saying 'every other girl has has been on the pill or a ONS'. Not nice...) Or I have to leave. Maybe me stopping would force her to confront our proble.?

Borninthe60s Wed 03-Feb-16 14:26:03

I don't think she's the one for,you. She's treating you terribly and has aborted your child without any discussion. Why are you even bothering?

BramblePie Wed 03-Feb-16 14:26:31

Yeah I know a few guys who have snapped theirs and all is fine using condoms. Are you sure you're putting them on correctly or if it could be something else?

Also sounds to me like she wants to get pregnant. She didn't tell you she aborted it did she? She could have miscarried..

sjwms9 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:30:01

I'm sorrybif I offended any of the above? I'm not sure why I've been called a fucker but I genuinely just want to talk about it, and I'm more concerned it may be a precursor to more things that if she doesn't want to, we can't talk... And I felt that a female dominant environment might be a good place to get some other opinions.

Unfortunately I am not allowed (as above) to discuss with friends or family. Sorry I went into detail but tbh I was just ranting as I need to vent...

Also, yes, I forgot to add I brought it up.with the GP and he suspects that the scar tissue is deep onto a nerve, as it is incredibly painful to touch even years later. Without a condom that part doesn't really get touched, but a condom seems to rub on it. At the moment it feels like someone is blistering it with a cigarette. Hence me only using it for the last 2 or 3 minutes, which again, isn't safe....

Ellarose85 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:33:04

If she didn't want to get pregnant she would look at her options regarding contraception, there are a lot of other options other than the pill or IUD and she wouldn't let you come inside her by holding you in place of she didn't want to get pregnant. Even if she is telling you otherwise.

FWIW I'm pregnant, the result of using the withdrawal method whilst me and my DH were a bit merry.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:34:27

Yes, yes, you're not "allowed" to discuss it. Your perfect girlfriend of 11 months has suddenly turned into an unreasonable harpy that will leave you if you mention contraception again! That seems totally normal. Women, eh?

Do tell us more about the different qualities of orgasm for a bloke. </Willy Wonka face> As a woman I can't relate to that at all.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 03-Feb-16 14:37:35

God just leave. She sounds awful.

You've been called a GF because that poster for whatever reason doesn't believe that your story is genuine.

TimidLividyetagain Wed 03-Feb-16 14:41:01

Only thing I need to tell u is that pulling lot is not safe and I have become pregnant that way. So do not do that unless you want a baby. Regardless of them causing you pain condoms havent worked so I can see why you are wanting something more effective. She is being unreasonable if it was a man pulling we can't discuss contraception ever mn would find that abusive

TimidLividyetagain Wed 03-Feb-16 14:42:10

Withdrawal and pulling out is not a method of contraception

TimidLividyetagain Wed 03-Feb-16 14:44:53

If u are only using condom's for the last few minutes its not surprising she got pregnant. She sounds like she wants a baby, this is not the actions of someone who does not want to be pregnant. And really there is no reason this topic should be off limits. She sound not very nice

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 03-Feb-16 14:48:28

On the contraception issue - if neither of you are happy with a method of contraception then that method shouldn't be used. However the logical conclusion is no penis in vagina sex. You shouldn't be relying on the withdrawal method if you wouldn't be ok with an unplanned pregnancy.
On the pregnancy issue - I wonder why she didn't tell you? Was it because she thought you would pressure her into keeping it, or because she doesn't trust you to discuss major life decisions with? Maybe she doesn't see you as a keeper. You don't and didn't have a 'right' to know but it's curious that she didn't tell you.

Ellarose85 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:53:41

OP hasn't said that his girlfriend had an abortion has he? Sorry if I missed that part somewhere

ifgrandmahadawilly Wed 03-Feb-16 14:57:32

Have you tried using a femdom?

Sadmum19 Wed 03-Feb-16 15:01:53

I don't see the need for the tone of some of the responses here.

If she won't discuss really important issues of contraception and how to ensure sex is great for both of you, I think that sets alarm bells for the future. I think it's deeply concerning that she hasn't discussed the pregnancy with you. My instinct is there's more to this than meets the eye and she's needs to communicate with you.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 03-Feb-16 15:03:50

He doesn't even know what happened to end the pregnancy. It's very odd. She doesn't trust you for some reason.

LidikaLikes Wed 03-Feb-16 15:13:39

What about fertility awareness method? Only having penis in vagina sex when she's not fertile. Might not be practical for your girlfriend, but good method for some.

OP, I think you've come across polite and fair. Your girlfriend sounds like she has some issue with communication.

Scoopmuckdizzy Wed 03-Feb-16 15:15:34

It's fine you're posting here, I'm baffled why you're being picked on.

If the topic really isn't up for discussion then I really can't see any future in your relationship, sorry.

sjwms9 Wed 03-Feb-16 15:15:50

She has trust issues from a previous relationship. Something which tbh since we spoke about we sorted! When we talk we really do sort things out and have a laugh while doing it.

And yes. Part of why I am shocked. In 11 months she has told me some very personal issues, but she does just have major issues when talking about her insides (or mine for that matter) and defaults to anger. She readily admits she controlled her ex through threats to leave and explosions and 'panic attacks' (collapsing, the lot) of which I have no doubt are genuine but are brought upon by getting so angry. She has always made out that her going on contraception is part of the plan, just not got round to it this month. The moment I find out she is pregnant (I do not know what happened too it. She will not tell me. Like it or not whatever that was was 50% mine and I feel I at least have the right to know maybe if not offer my opinion). I let that die down for a bit and have been too afraid to ask since. The moment something does actually cause an issue as condoms are failed she exploded for the first time in our relationship and the matter is not up for discussion. 'She will not be bullied into it'. I don't feel I have bit maybe past issues from a former partner...

I'm sorry. But long term non vaginal sex would be a bit shitty for me and I suspect her. We genuinely had great sex until the last couple of months where the above issues have become prominent and merged into one.

Ellarose85 Wed 03-Feb-16 15:19:00

I think she's very manipulative and controlling.

I would get out now.

sjwms9 Wed 03-Feb-16 15:43:42

I have been thinking about just saying 'look. I can't physically have sex with you until I get this looked at again'. But I feel.IG will cause a huge row (we only argue over sex and babies it seems).

I recently had a minorish operation, local so not too serious but severe enough that I couldn't really walk for a week, my genitals swelled with black bruising, so essentially couldn't have sex. Essentially she managed to make me feel bad for timing the operation (which tbh wasn't urgent but having 2 weeks off work made sense at the time) as I wasn't paying her attention in bed and was boring. It seems that her body is not up for debate but mine is fair game.

Do you think it us controlling. I'd rather try and deal with it than leave... Talk to a 3rd party we both trust maybe? I would genuinely be heartbroken as until 2 weeks ago I honestly felt she was the one. Still do I guess...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now