My mum - realisation I was possibly abused

[Medwaymumoffour]

Name changed for this

No real point to this thread but just want to put this down as I can't really discuss with anyone.

My mum has always been - well quite mean to me. I remember her doing all the essentials. I was fed, clothed, clean etc but I don't recall her ever playing with me.

She used to hit me a lot growing up. Beat might be a more honest description. She would punch and punch me and if I tried to defend myself she would tell dad who would slap me.

When I was older I would say she mentally tortured me. I was at uni and still living at home. I worked night shifts in a factory every night after uni ( I hardly slept but it didn't really effect me at that age). I would get home exhausted and she would come into my room while I was in bed and be nasty and say my dp ( now Dh) was sleeping around as I was so fat and disgusting ( he wasn't but she was insistent I wasn't enough to even be looked at). She made my life hell. Rather than be proud I was doing a degree and supporting myself she was never happy with / for me.

I left and moved in with Dh and she improved a lot. I always presumed it was pmt but really I'm not sure. She still has a nasty side but seems to keep in check most of the time. Because she knows I can't be bullied any more.

She is very socially inept and I do wonder if she has aspergers but she's also got a nasty streak so it's not being unfeeling - she gets off on being nasty. So it's not like she doesn't realise she is being mean.

My sister has told me more than once that social services came to the house after our neighbour kept hearing us screaming. I don't remember that.

I have never asked her why she was so mean. It's done, I can't get that back.

Anyway over Christmas we stayed with her. Dh was shouting at our eldest as he was fighting with his brother. My mum said Dh was being nasty and he would get the kids taken into care by shouting at them ( he is a good person and a good dad but like most people when you tell your kid for the third time to stop punching a sibling you raise your voice).

I told her they are lucky they aren't beaten like I was - she said she never touched me once! I said excuse me, you would punch and punch me then kick me about 30 times in two minutes. She said that never happened!

Can she really belive that? Honestly? I have smacked my 12 year old twice. I remember both times very clearly. Once he ran out into a B road I smacked his hand, the other time I had moved him out of his cot and he was running about at 2am. I lost it and smacked his bum. Both times I felt guilty ( not so much the first time as I had told him to hold hands but the second time it was just tiredness).

I don't really want to know why or a apology or anything BUT my sister never sees her. I do as I think it's the right thing to forgive. Surely she owes me to at least acknowledge that she wasn't a stellar mum, why my sister never visits?

[timelytess]

Get counselling urgently.
You might not be able to get the truth from your mother but talking it through with someone else will help.

[TealLove]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you were quite seriously abused physically and emotionally.
Do you feel you need some professional help with these memories or would going NC put an end to the pain?

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I'd suggest both.

And give up on any hope that you'll ever get an "answer" out of her, why she did it, etc. She doesn't even AIT doing it; she's never going to tell you why.

IMHO, her stonewalling about this is continued abuse.

[LucyBabs]

Hi Medway I agree with time you need to speak with a professional about what you experience as a child. You say you feel you should forgive? yet your dm won't even admit what went on.
My db abused me as child, I confronted him after I found out others knew what he had done. He has gone into hiding and I know he will never admit what he has done.
I am seeing a therapist. She is helping me accept I may never get answers or even acknowledgment from my db. I now just want to heal and move on. Do you think you can carry on with your dm basically saying you are a liar?
The bloody cheek of her saying those things about your dh!

[jazzyg]

Definitely try and get some specialist counselling. Your mum sounds like she is in denial and has mental health issues so I doubt you will get the answers you want from her. I'd also think carefully about how much contact you let her have with your children. As for you, you sound amazing for having got yourself a good education and your own lovely family despite your rocky start in life. Try not to let your past ruin your present.

[Medwaymumoffour]

I had a life changing moment when I was getting my wedding dress fitted. I looked in the mirror to see my lovely sister beeming at me where my mum should be standing. She was invited to come but worked seven days a week ( didn't need the money - that's another long story!). I realised then that she wasn't the mum I needed her to be, never was, never can be. Like a rock, it is was it is, you can't wish it into a cake. It hasn't got the ability to be anything else.

I feel quite at ease not knowing why she is who she is. Mil and friends don't understand why I won't ask her. I just don't feel I need to know. Partly because I will never hear what I want, partly because I know ( or make excuses as its less painful like maybe she has asd, maybe it was pmt, maybe she is just a nasty person).

I guess I'm feeling robbed. I am shocked my sister remembers a totally different childhood to me. I remember her hitting me etc. Sister remembers far worse. But she is older

[Medwaymumoffour]

That's another valid point re my kids. I hear her doing the mental abuse to my eldest. Never in my direct hearing but I wonder how well she tries to hide it from me. She doesn't like him and tells me. He reminds her of my late dad who I swear was a wonderful man. Not perfect a great dad. Hard working. Very tolerant of my mum. She would lie to him to get him to slap me. But although he would slap me hard round the face (70's kid) he never hit me repeatedly.

Sounds worse now I write it out. I just presumed it was normal to be hit. The mental stuff always felt very wrong

[charliebambi]

She's mentally abusing your DC?
Get your family away from this horrible toxic woman immediately. Go NC and keep it that way for the sake of your DCs. Please OP people like this do not change, she abused you she will abuse your children

[0phelia]

As a survivor of CSA knowing full well the perpetrator denies to himself and me what he did, I can fully empathize with your situation.

It's not normal to be hit, but you sound incredibly grounded and forgiving. You are lucky to have hpur sister and dh. Treasure them.

It might not be wise to leap into counselling because therapy can actually open pandoras box, bring everything to the surface and it can take a lifetime to simply move on again from it all.

Your mother is probably quite damaged and rather horrible.

The best thing you can do is keep her at arms length, and be the best person you can be for your own children.

[0phelia]

Didn't see the update about overhearing her mentally abusing your child.
NC immediately and make sure everyone in your life knows why too.

[jazzyg]

OP, from what you've just said, please please keep your DCs and yourself well away from this woman. She is continuing the abuse and you need to protect your children.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

She doesn't like your DC?
Why are you around her? Do you need her in any way?

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

Blimey, you really need to keep your dc away. Otherwise you're allowing her to abuse them too.

She's horrendous.

[LucyBabs]

Ophelia if therapy or counselling can make things worse what do you suggest?

Honestly Medway its bad enough your dm abused you, now she's starting on your dc and actually tells you she doesn't like your eldest?
I'm sorry but your df was no better, he abused you too. Whether your dm "encouraged" him makes no difference. There's no easy answer but distancing yourself from your dm is the only way to protect you and your dc

[Medwaymumoffour]

She lives a long way from me so I only see her once every eight weeks if that. We normally stay with her for the weekend when we visit.

Mostly she just says the odd snippy thing ( only to my eldest) but as we was down for a few nights over Christmas she let her mask slip and that's when I over heard her telling ds was like my dad ( my dad died six weeks before my eldest was born).

It all feels like a non issue but a few things have brought it to a head.

My landline isn't working so I keep saying to Dh she never calls me. I thought maybe she tried but couldn't get through. But I called her on Sunday. She hadn't tried phoning me. No thanks for visiting over Christmas. She has no one, I thought she would be lonely and want to see the kids.

Her only friend is her neighbour who she constantly moans about.

I don't think I could face councilling. just talking about opening up a can of worms I would rather not address.

[Ohfourfoxache]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but your need to show forgiveness doesn't trump the need of keeping your DC safe

You sound so surrounded by FOG (fear obligation guilt) and I desperately want to reach through the screen and help to guide you through it.

You don't deserve this. And neither do your DC. Please, keep this bitch at arms length at the very least - personally I think you should be going NC

[urkidding]

You are a strong woman who worked to support herself at University, and has done very well all by herself.
I think you should keep your children away from her. Just because she denies her behaviour, doesn't mean you have to do anything to prove it is true, and stop looking for the mother you never had. Appreciate instead your wonderful sister and spend your time and love on her, instead of wasting it on a woman who is manipulative and dangerous.
Move on with your life, and be the best person you can be, setting an example for your children.

[Medwaymumoffour]

My son has autism. Not aspergers but classic autism. so I was wondering if that's why she is emotionally cold. She is shy but it's more than that. She is socially inept. I was looking at why she is the way she is but I know malice doesn't fit the asd criteria. I wonder if I could be part of the picture.

[Ohfourfoxache]

Completely understand re counselling - sometimes it just really is too hard to go through.

If she has no one then, quite frankly, she only has herself to blame

[Medwaymumoffour]

Your right I should be protecting my kids better from her. I think I just normalise everything she does.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

OP I agree counselling is not always a good idea. I had a similar issue, posted here and got the counselling advice like you but I said no way , talking about it does make things worse
But do get away from her , seeing her will always remind you of what she did to you

And don't be upset she doesn't call you , I understand it hurts you cause you will always have an unconditional love towards your mum but it is what it is, and your DCs are now top priority irrespective of how you feel

[Ohfourfoxache]

You've been conditioned Medway

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

Lots of what you have written is exactly what my childhood was like.

And she also started on my children.

I've been nc for 4 years. Best decision ever.

[Medwaymumoffour]

I think your right. I am so sure that I shouldn't let my kids grow up not seeing her. Mil lives abroad, FIL is worse than useless ( a nice man who says all the right things but has no real interest in the kids).

That makes me think she is the only available grandparent.

Ironically I'm less tolerant of FIL who I'm quite happy to put down as useless therefore of no loss he never makes any effort.

That's another thing that hurts. Dh parents are too busy to see the kids

Makes my mum seems wonderful
In comparison