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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

rant!!!

44 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 02/02/2016 22:21

just a rant here sorry!
ex left me 32 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old for ow!
well basically I have been trying to organise mediation for over a week now and he's too busy to talk or only wants to talk about our child not anything else!
we have a house which we are both on the mortgage he currently pays the mortgage and council tax. I pay the gas and electricity and don't ask for anything for our children this includes having to buy pram etc etc as baby will be here in 3 weeks!
well today he has said that he only wants me to discuss and contact his parents regarding our son! so nothing to do with hospital appointments or anything like that!
I was rushed to hospital on sat which turns out to be a nervous breakdown and our baby wasn't reacting to well to it!
he wasn't fussed about it or anything it was if he didn't care!
then tonight he threw in my face that he is paying the mortgage on the house and how he has no money to go enjoy his life but because I went to the bingo one night I have this amazing life with lots of money! when I explained to him that I wasn't going threw his parents for contact I would rather have it legal and wrote down he just laughed at me!
am I wrong for him paying the mortgage and me not asking for any maintenance for the kids? or help with buying things our son or soon to be daughter needs?

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hurtandconfued2016 · 02/02/2016 22:29

also he only takes his son on the days he is working as he "needs to have a life" so only sees him for 4-5 hours 3 times a week!

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LittleLegs25 · 02/02/2016 22:46

Well it sounds as though you've had a lucky escape there he sounds a right charmer.... Not. What about your life?? You need to go down the Legal route and get him paying maintenance. I can't comment on the mortgage as I have no idea about them!

hurtandconfued2016 · 02/02/2016 23:13

well this is the thing we had an agreement that he would start anything with ow whilst I was pregnant/recovering from section and that in this case he could be at all appointments and birth etc etc this was more to keep me sane! but that went out the window 3 days after he left!
aw he keeps telling me I need to go meet someone new! heavily pregnant and heartbroken I'm such a great catch lol!
I was going down the legal route but me being stupid, naive and still in love I thought we could have done this mutually without all of this! but looks like that ain't happening

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Tartypants · 02/02/2016 23:27

That is awful. I hope you have someone in RL you can call on. Please get good legal advice as soon as you can too. If you try and do it mutually you might end up being too nice because it's what your used to and you don't want to feel dependent on him. It's hard to change your mindset from loving someone and looking for what's best for both of you to looking at it for what's best for just you, but for your kids you really do have to do this. Try and think about what you really need to get out of this - and don't assume he will be in any way reasonable. But that's more likely earlier than later IME. I'm really sorry this has happened to you.
You will be a great catch when you are ready! And he will take being a donkey with him wherever he goes.

Heatherjayne1972 · 02/02/2016 23:28

Some solicitors do a free 30 min appointment Sounds like you need some advice here
Might not feel like it now but he's done you a massive favour- he's shown you who he really is

hurtandconfued2016 · 02/02/2016 23:39

I was doing it far too mutually tbh! letting him pick the days he wanted our son which was the days he was working and he thought it would be okay to leave him with his parents whilst he was working. I didn't see the point in screwing up my little boys head for that!
I also gave him the car even though I have been paying the finance on it for a year! he says that I am living in the house he pays for and have no outgoings? you can tell how
often he fed and bought our child nappies can't you! I am also on mat leave so a massive drop in wages too but he begrudges paying for the house! the way I seen it is half of the mortgage that I would have been paying would be maintenance but I feel now I need to go get everything that I'm entitled to and start being as cutthroat as he is!
yeah heatherjayne he really has he is not the same guy that I fell in love with but then again he said I emotionally abused him! (because I would moan about house not being cleaned and stuff when I was at work)

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LittleLegs25 · 03/02/2016 10:21

That's exactly what you need to do, look after number 1, you and the kids!! Stop doing him favours, it shows exactly what sort of man and father he is when he wants his son on days where he's working!! You need to put a stop to that asap. He should be having him on his days off. You need to get angry.

hurtandconfued2016 · 03/02/2016 11:19

I know but he has became that childish he won't tell me his days off! tells me it's none of my business?
I am honestly at the end of my tether! he is collecting our son at 12 and I'm already having panic attacks about seeing him! when he does come to the house he doesn't come on his own either he brings on of his family members! I'm bloody 5" it's very intimidating :/

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LittleLegs25 · 04/02/2016 13:04

How did it go when he picked your son up?

hurtandconfued2016 · 04/02/2016 13:30

well he picked up our son and brought his mum! (he was late may I add)
his mum is tryin to be a mediator and sort things out without the legal stuff to save money but I'm just so done!
he won't speak to me about anything at all and when I try to explain to his family why I'm so hurt (new relationship with the woman he was texting behind my back before I go into have his daughter) they say to me it's none of your business if he's in a relationship etc etc. I know it's not my business but doesn't make it hurt any less but I'm not allowed to be like that I have to just deal with it!
he collected our son today and I have asked him to take him sat sun Monday next week because my mum is going in for cancer treatment. he said I am treating him like a babysitter! may I add this was the first time in a month I have asked him to have our son I have let him choose all the other times!
I have now told him that he doesn't come into the house when he drops our son off because I am finding it intimidating when he brings all his family in with him!

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hurtandconfued2016 · 04/02/2016 15:06

aw also apparently he's already doing more than he should paying the mortgage and council tax!

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RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 04/02/2016 17:05

his mum is tryin to be a mediator

No, no. No, no, no. Any 'mediator' needs to be someone impartial (I'm sure you know that anyway)

He's an arse (which I'm also sure you know)

Please take care of yourself

NameChange30 · 04/02/2016 17:08

Are you married? If so you need legal advice about the divorce and financial settlement ASAP.

hurtandconfued2016 · 04/02/2016 17:26

no we aren't married but living as though we where! joint mortgage and stuff like that

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NameChange30 · 04/02/2016 18:14

Ah ok. Well no divorce so that simplifies things a little bit, although there are still the house, finances and child contact arrangements to sort out. You could probably do with some legal advice - how about talking to CAB for some initial advice and they can give you a list of solicitors if you need one.

It's probably in your best interests for your STBXP to carry on paying the mortgage for as long as he is willing to do so. However if he stops paying it you will be in a difficult position. Do you work? Can you afford to pay the mortgage by yourself? Because you are not married you won't be legally entitled to any money from him other than child maintenance. You will probably have to sell the house and split the proceeds between the two of you.

More information and advice here: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/ending-a-relationship-when-you-re-living-together/

hurtandconfued2016 · 04/02/2016 18:24

I can't afford the mortgage on my own as I am currently on maternity leave only started last week.
we wouldn't be able to sell just yet any way as we have only been in the house 1 1/2 years so need to carry on the mortgage till September.
I had not been taking any maintenance off him and he was to put that towards the mortgage but it seems like him and his family rant happy about that x

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NameChange30 · 04/02/2016 18:29

Oh ignore my question about whether you're working - I've just seen that you're on maternity leave. Is there any reason that you're already on mat leave at 32 weeks?

If your partner has moved out for good, you probably need to notify the council to get the council tax switched to your name instead of his. You might also get a council tax discount because you're now the only adult living in the property. However if you take his name off the council tax he may decide to stop paying it.

Another reason to talk to CAB is that they will be able to advise you about any benefits or tax credits you will be eligible for as a single mum (as well as advising on the separation and organising finances, child contact etc).

The amount your STBXH has to give you legally for child maintenance will depend on his income and whether he has the children overnight. Bear in mind he will only have to pay maintenance for the baby after it's born.

NameChange30 · 04/02/2016 18:31

Cross post! Definitely talk to CAB about the mortgage issue. Don't know about that one but it seems to be the most urgent thing IMO. You don't want to be struggling with a newborn without enough money to pay the mortgage.

Gobbolino6 · 04/02/2016 18:36

I think you need to speak to someone ASAP about where you stand with the house etc. As it stands he could just stop paying the mortgage. If he wants things formal, then go with it as it will protect you.

hurtandconfued2016 · 04/02/2016 18:36

I'm 36 weeks pregnant now, I have spoken to cab and they have told me I need to go to mediation to sort out access and the stuff to do with the house as they will be able help.
with regards to maintenance he earns a good wage so it was covering my half of the mortgage without any problem.

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NameChange30 · 04/02/2016 18:40

I don't know what your options are if he refuses mediation, it might be worth recontacting CAB to ask. Or you could do some digging online.

hurtandconfued2016 · 04/02/2016 18:46

he isn't refusing mediation this is the thing to organize it I need to know what days he is free, but he won't tell me his days off as he said it's none of my business! if he was to refuse mediation I could go to a lawyer but only until he actually refuses to go.

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WhoWants314 · 04/02/2016 18:49

Ignore them bullying you not to go down the legal route.

Get everything formalised in court, access, maintenance. You need to have a life to! He left you pregnant with a toddler. He's terrified.

Get a solicitor and the solicitor will write to him and he'll have to get a solicitor.

NameChange30 · 04/02/2016 20:00

You do have to try mediation before you can go to court. It's the rules, they're not bullying.

OP maybe you could tell him when you're available and ask him to pick a day and time for mediation?

hurtandconfued2016 · 04/02/2016 20:02

okay can I just add to the rant! so my parents just called and I have a scan on Wednesday as baby has ovarian cysts and they asked what is happening? so I said that if my ex wanted to be there then he could be and also I am still thinking about wether he should be at the section or not?
my parents have now completely went off their head at me that I am being stupid and a mug etc etc.
I see it as it is still his daughter at the end of the day and I don't know if I could ever forgive myself if I didn't allow him to see his daughter come into the world. they are also saying they will not come up to the hospital if he is there but again I don't know if I could stop him wanting to see his daughter?
I don't know if I'm being stupid and naive thinking maybe if he sees his daughter comi into the world he would realize the mistakes he has made and come back to the family?

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