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"It's my time to be a Daddy...!"

(16 Posts)
Heartbroken4 Tue 02-Feb-16 20:21:09

Says my recently left H, referring to his contact time, when I try to reason with him and stop him being a Disney Dad. I desperately want to remind him he is a Father the whole bloody time but he's chosen to see less of his children than he already did (he works away in the week) because he had an affair and "fell in love." He sees the children for EOW/E at his Parents' house and, when I posted that I never got one-on-one time with the children because I now had to do it all on "my" w/e, he said "What do you expect me to do?", knowing full well the w/e was full-on with four small children when two of us were doing it. I have not yet emailed back instead of chasing single mothers the same age as your nieces, put your effort into your marriage. Just, Grrrrr.

NNalreadyinuse Tue 02-Feb-16 20:25:44

He is an arse. All you can do is stop engaging with him over it - he is selfish and will do what he wants regardless of what you say, so the best thing you can do is just to act as if he doesn't exist. It's his loss on the end - the kids will know you are there for them. They wont always be taken in by the disney dad routine.

Cabrinha Tue 02-Feb-16 20:36:21

He's an arsehole for having an affair. And letting off steam here is good.
But actually, what do you expect him to do?
If you have a proposal to allow you 1:1 time with each child, put it to him. My friend only has 2, but recently she and her XH have worked out a different arrangement now where alternate weeks, only one child goes on a particular night. Could you do something like that? If he has ten from Fri-Sat, for example, then keep one child back on rotation for the Fri night?

Sadly, you can't control how he parents them. No point in getting into conversation with him - you need to withdraw for your own sanity I think.

Heartbroken4 Tue 02-Feb-16 22:46:41

He lives four hours away and takes them to his Parents' house an hour from here, so the rotational idea isn't very feasible. I just want him to be fair and acknowledge what the situation he has thrust me into.really means, in practical terms.

Cabrinha Tue 02-Feb-16 23:07:36

The sooner you give up on that, the better. I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's true. I do understand - got my own arsehole of an XH! Look to your friends (and even strangers online!) for acknowledgment of what his behaviour means before you look to him.
He's a selfish shit or he wouldn't have had the affair. Why would he be less selfish now?

Don't see why the rotation wouldn't work just because he's at his parents. Does he pick up from you? He can pick 3 up and you can drop the 4th over the next morning. Even if you do it once month, that's there 1:1 evenings per year with each child. On the one hand it doesn't sound a lot - but I'm not sure many two parent families of 4 get much 1:1 time, do they?

Heartbroken4 Wed 03-Feb-16 02:49:16

We used to manage with two at home, so we could do two and two or one of us deal with crises whilst one had one-on-one to do homework or something else. It wasn't ideal but it was workable. Now it's almost impossible, plus I have all the extra work.

abbsismyhero Wed 03-Feb-16 12:17:41

yes but you're not in a relationship with him anymore he is under no obligation to be nice and kind to you and help you even though they are your children together

playing disney dad gets old when the kids grow up and expect him to continue with it

Heartbroken4 Thu 04-Feb-16 01:39:49

I got that, but I feel old and dull and bogged down by day-to-day stuff whereas I feel he is creaming off the fun things. He also seems to have escaped from any consequences of his actions.

NNalreadyinuse Thu 04-Feb-16 09:50:27

It sucks that men do this and the state doesn't force them to be proper parents.
The consolation is that you will have a much better and stronger bond with your dc than he will have - everytime he chooses to opt out of parenting he is weakening his relationship with his children. He is giving up something really precious and is too stupid to see it. His loss.

TooMuchOfEverything Thu 04-Feb-16 09:55:58

I can't help with your ex being an arse - but to get 1-1 time when you have 4 kids is hard. Depending on their ages and your situation are any of the following worth a try?

After school club for 3 children, 1-1 with the other
Grandparents taking 3 children
Club for 3 children, 1-1 with other
Each Monday night one child gets to be 'host' of the family dinner table - they chose the meal and help to prepare it, so you get 1-1 time with them in the kitchen.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Feb-16 10:00:35

Living four hours away from his own children gives a massive insight to his priorities.

His children are wasted on him

RomiiRoo Thu 04-Feb-16 10:33:08

I am sorry - I bring up two children on my own and work FT, so all credit to you managing with four.

I am on my phone, but my honest advice would be to look at what support you have or can get beyond the children's father; your energy is wasted trying to make him see reason. I have been separated three years now, worked the last six months on reconciliation and quite frankly, I have wasted so many words.

Please make yourself the priority. What can be cut from the schedule? Where can you enlist support? And most important, make sure on the weekends you don't have the DC, make sure and use the time for you. Don't use the time to catch up on chores or work, see your friends, do things for you. The worst thing for me (I was a single parent before meeting XH) has been the gradual erosion of friendships and 'normal' life.

flowers for you. Everything you feel is normal, it is hard and I am so sorry that this is what you are facing. You need practical and emotional support and he has bailed on that.

RomiiRoo Thu 04-Feb-16 10:36:01

Sorry I meant make sure you have some time for you on the weekends you don't have DC.

TwilightRabbit Thu 04-Feb-16 10:46:04

Sadly, you cannot force him to parent in any particular way. It may well be that, now you aren't together, that he no longer parents in the way that you thought was a joint decision.

It's taken me 5 looooooooooong and hideous years to accept that exDH is NOT going to put his children first, and he is NOT going to co-parent with me. Unfortunately, being a single parent means that it's that much harder to have quality time with each child separately. On the plus side, I think it does forge a special bond between you and the kids as a 'team'. Twatty exes who choose to live far away from their kids, and don't support your parenting choices don't get that.

I totally get the feeling old and bogged down part. From a fellow old and bogged downer, it really does suck to watch the ex waltz off into a new carefree life, without the responsibilities that you have no choice but to have. Unfortunately, it is unavoidable and the one left as primary carer gets the shitty bits - he doesn't have to have the day to day drudgery, and has the choice to be 'fun Disney dad'.

I feel for you - it's exhausting. BUT your kids will understand who cares for them when they're poorly, who puts their needs first, who feeds them, and loves them unconditionally. flowers

ivykaty44 Thu 04-Feb-16 10:52:57

Suggest that your ex has the dc for a week in term time if he wants so much to be a daddy - as you need to be away for a week for an appointment....

Then see how he copes with being a daddy for a week on his own

If he says he works outside of being a daddy then suggest annual leave like everyone else gets after all its only for a week...

Heartbroken4 Thu 04-Feb-16 23:41:58

Ah ha, less than two weeks in and he is going back in his promise to keep things "normal": two events the childen would normally go to this Sunday, he won"t take them to and it is, apparently, "too complicated to explain over the phone." They stay with his Parents an hour away but, my 9 year-old pointed out, one could be done.on the way mine ...

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