Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Need some help and perspective on my marriage.(23 Posts)
Not really sure where to start.
Ive been with my husband for 22 years (since I was 16) lived together 15years, married for 5 years, we have a 22mth dd, my husband is 41.
Since having dd its really intensified my feelings of being unappreciated, unloved and basically a skivvy in my own home. I feel invisible and not respected.
I guess, as this has been my only relationship, I would like opinions/advice on whether this is normal, especially in long term relationships or am I expecting too much?
Things that make me feel this way. For the last 3/4 months my husband doesnt come up to bed until usually gone 1am, sometimes as late as 4am. His excuse originally was that he could sleep better downstairs as our dd was waking a few times a night and disturbing him ( he has a very dangerous and physical job so I have never forced him to help at night) but now that out dd is sleeping better most of time I dont see why he still does it. I got suspicious and checked his phone and hes been watching porn pretty much everynight, then falling asleep. Im not against occasional porn use but he didnt even come up to bed with me over Christmas and New Year. Ok, I do go to bed around 9.30 so early by alot of peoples standards but im tired. Surely SOME nights he could make the effort?! We are not intimate so I cant really blame him for watching so much porn but its the lack of wanting to come up even half hour/hour after me and just cuddle to sleep,
I went out shopping with a friend (left dd with him and his parents for 5 hrs- my only time away from dd since November) got back home, I listened to how his day went, what dd did and didnt do yet he never once asked if I had a nice time or asked what I did or were I went or what I brought, though he did ask if I got him anything.
After christmas I was upset about our situation and told him I felt unappreciated and a skivvy, I was crying, he didnt hug me, no words of support. A little while later he washed a few plates etc and sarcastically said, 'im doing the washing up so you dont feel like a skivvy'. I couldnt be done with a row so didnt rise to it.
One of my biggest gripes is his lack of wanting to spend time with us. Our last family day was middle of November, prior to that was July and May. There have been a handful of little walks together but I think I could count them on one hand. When I do suggest taking dd out as a family I get load of excuses why its not a good idea or why he cant. He is self employed works 6 days a week and does his hobby on the 7th day. He works 6 days by his own choice, Saturdays he doesnt always have to work will often choose to unless a mate of his asks him to their shared hobby- then there are no excuses as to why he cant, 9 times out of 10 he will accept and go. Business has always done well so no real financial reasons to why he cant keep a Sat a month free. I do the book keeping for his business too. He works very hard and its a physically demanding job and he has done fantastically well.
He is quite a negative person, never really has anything good to say and its finally wearing me down.
I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, bills, 90%of the childcare, which I thought I was happy to do, but I would like to feel appreciated and not invisible.
What has prompted me to write now and not before is that something has finally snapped in me. He plays on his phone most evenings, tonight was no different so I put a program on that I wanted to watch, in less than 10 seconds he puts down his phone and he says I dont want to watch that and goes to put what he wants on. This happens regularly but tonight I inwardly cried. I didnt have the engery to say anything as I didnt want a row,
Christ this is getting long!!! Sorry!! Please bare with me. I dont want to drip feed so trying to get it all out,
Im a SAHM, I still contribute financially to mortgage and all bills as I am using savings to pay for my half (although have recently lessened what I pay in and upped his contribution).
Am I being a doormat? Do I deserve more respect or is this part of being a Sahm? Is this typical of long term relationships? I think I want out, I want better for myself and daughter. Its all im used to though. I see similarities with parents marriages (both sides).
I did try to leave before we were married but I felt so guilty that he was so destroyed that I went back, apart of me did miss him too.
I havent spoken to him about any of this recently as I know exactly how the conversation will go. Everything ends up being my fault.
Dont get me wrong, im not perfect, im stubborn and now how to hold a grudge but im very caring and will do anything to help anyone if I can.
Am I expecting too much? Im really not sure anymore.
Thanks for reading.
Hi there, I can understand why you feel unappreciated. I would lay your cards on the table and tell your partner exactly how you feel. If you think he will be dismissive if you try and speak to him then write it all down in a letter.
I would suggest you need some kind of couples counselling, maybe try Relate.
You hit the nail on the head when you said it was a similar situation to his parents marriage. They will have set the template for how he considers marriage to be,and probably the fact that he earns good money, and works hard means that in his mind he is fulfilling his role as provider, and doesn't have to put any more effort in than that.
If your partner continues to refuse to accept there is a problem then you need to decide whether you can continue to live like this or if it is time to go.I don't think it is unreasonable to expect more from a relationship.
Good luck x
There will be better advice along shortly i am sure; but he sounds hugely selfish....what strikes me is why are you using your savings to "contribute"? Surely you being at home enables him to work? That is your valid contribution, why are your savingsbeing eroded?
He sounds horrible.
Using savings as a SAHM is not my idea of a good equal marriage (I've been SAHM for 6 years, 2 DC).
You say a few times in your OP that you didn't challenge him as you could not be bothered to row. That's a red flag for me, as you should be able to raise issues with him without fearing a row, and you seem so worn down and indifferent.
You say in Nov you went out with friend and he minded DD with his folks - has he ever done bedtime, bathtime, outings with DD on his own without you or his parents holding his hand?
Is it possible for you to say, "DH I've booked x, y, z activity for myself next weekend so you'll need to be home at such and such a time"?
You sound very unequal and like you're married to a porn-hound teenage boy.
What age are you both?
STOP putting your savings towards the mortgage! You're a SAHM. Your contribution is looking after DD and the absolute lion's share of the housework. If you're contributing financially as well, it suggests that neither of you see your contribution as being of any value at all. Which could be partly why your relationship sounds very imbalanced atm.
Also, you might need your savings if the time comes you need to get out.
You are mad for using savings towards living costs, that his insistence was it?
He sounds totally draining, oh and selfish.
You either decide things have to change and tell him how or accept this is your lot, I know which one I'd be doing.
Thank you. Yes I think he does see himself as the provider in the old fashioned sense. So should I not contribute anything financially? Tbh it was something we just did, I do regret it which is why we agreed I would lessen my amount and up his. Should he be paying all of it?
I have become indifferent, yes, because when ive brought these issues up before it gets twisted and everything ends up being my fault. Its my fault he watches porn, my fault he doesnt spend time with us at weekends (i dont make it fun enough apparently) so I have kind of shut down about it, which I know is not helping.
Just dont know what to do. He will blame me for everything I say is wrong in the marriage,
The day out in Nov was our last family day. He does bath times but not bed times unless im out which is very rare. He will keep dd amused when he gets in from work so I can get meals finished and washed up and bed time sorted. He has a few times with her alone and always says its been draining and when I remind him that that is what I do everyday he reply something like 'well its what you make of it' sometimes im jusy ready to give up but am afraid of it affecting dd.
If you want out then that's what you do.
You don't need any other reasons than you have given.
That's all more than enough.
I wouldn't want to live like that and you shouldn't have to.
What sort of 'wage' do you get for doing all his paperwork?
How much savings do you have?
Is it enough to get out and start again?
You are not shackled to him OP, it all sound incredibly depressing, not what a normal healthy relationship should consist of, don't let fear trap you in an unhappy marriage.
Why do you put more value on his opinions that your own, who cares if he blames you for everything, you know that is not true.
I dont get paid for doing the book keeping but I do access to cash in the safe I need it or want it but apart from the odd twenty I dont touch it. I have enough savings still to get me through the next couple of years I think.
You do the book keeping for his business so in realty you are working and should be paid. Do not use your savings - they are your escape fund. He sounds awful. What do you get from the relationship?
The book keeping is quite straight forward,no employees so it doesnt take much time. I wouldnt know what realistic figure to put to him to ask for,
At the moment I dont get anything out of the relationship, it feels like we leading seperate lives.
Jan45 thats very true, ive always put him first and now im realising im worth more than this, where do I begin to sort this out?
Baby steps OP, slowly but surely you will get there.
You deserve a relationship that is equal and happy, don't ever sell yourself short.
This all sounds so horribly dull
Dull, dull, dull and interminable. I feel depressed reading yet, so you must be very low
Life isn't meant to be like this. Relationships are supposed to enhance your life. You are no more than a domestic appliance to him. I would rather be alone than in this non-relationship. You are not even like housemates because they would do their share of the shitwork.
Anyfucker, you hit the nail on the head! I cant believe ive let myself get into this situation.
Thank you jan45.
His mate has just phoned, surprise surprise he is now doing his hobby Sat and Sun morning this weekend coming.
He sounds like a complete nightmare. The fact that you are even questioning if this is about you expecting too much shows how ground down you have become by this.
Why are u using your savings? You are raising his child not on some bloody jolly.
If u feel unappreciated then u probably are being and as for never coming up to bed with u till your either asleep or not at all that's ridiculous.
U need to tell him how u feel or it will just fester and eat away at u x
Dear god I felt exhausted just reading the first half of your opening post, OP.
You deserve more than this crappy life. So does your DC.
I agree you shouldn't be using your savings to pay for things. That's not how being a sahm works.
It really doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of this relationship really, there's no reason for you to hang around and it doesn't sound like talking to him will get you anywhere.
Noooooo you should not be using your savings!! You should both have equal spending money as a starting point and all income should be family income - yours and his together. Doesn't matter who is earning what or who isn't working.
It does sound dull and not a marriage in any sense of the word. I think you are going to have to spell it out to him very clearly how deeply unhappy you are and give him a chance to change (if you still love him enough) and if nothing happens then separate. Life is for living and this isn't living.
Join the discussion
Please login first.