Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do I need to end this - Friends with benefits

(13 Posts)
HairySubject Tue 02-Feb-16 11:27:52

I have been seeing a bloke for a few months. We both agreed that it is strictly friends with benefits only. We are both busy with work and our kids and not looking for any commitment. I still have issues with me ex and a relationship is the last thing on my mind. We see each other a few times a month and have been out a couple of times.

Several times over the duration I have reiterated this and checked he is still happy with out situation. He always has been.

Well until now. He has decided he is in love with me. He hasn't mentioned moving on to a proper relationship but I feel like this changes things. I don't feel the same way and have no interest in falling in love or being in a committed relationship etc.

What do I do? I don't want to lead him on or hurt him but I just don't want to be with him in that way. He is perfectly nice but I am not ready for a proper relationship at all. Do I need to end it?

Sallyingforth Tue 02-Feb-16 11:31:07

I've never tried FWB but from what I have observed on here and in RL it often gets complicated like this. If you really don't want more then you'll have to end it.

PurpleDaisies Tue 02-Feb-16 11:33:09

It never seems to work-someone always seems to get hurt.
You need to end it before it gets more complicated.

CheersMedea Tue 02-Feb-16 11:34:38

but I am not ready for a proper relationship at all

Depends what this means really.

Does it translate as:

"whatever I say, I am really not ready for a proper relationship with HIM, this man. And no matter what happens in future I will never want a relationship with HIM. Whatever I'm wurbling about not being ready for a proper relationship, I know in my heart that if I met someone who was right for me and made my heart sing, I'd be ready for him in a heartbeat"

or does it translate as:

"I do REALLY honestly mean that I'm not ready for a proper relationship with ANYONE. I am deliberately keeping a distance from him because I think I could fall for him but am not in that space. If I were in the relationship zone, I could be in a relationship with HIM."

If it's the former, then I'd end it as you are being cruel (unless you have a high tolerance for guilt!), if it's the latter then I'd just leave it.

HairySubject Tue 02-Feb-16 11:38:08

Cheers It genuinely means I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. It really isn't him that is the problem, I just don't want any of the complications that come with relationships. I don't want to have to consider another person right now. I am happy concentrating on me and my children.

CheersMedea Tue 02-Feb-16 12:05:31

Well if that's the case then it means long term you are open to a relationship with him. If you like him and you are happy with him, I'd be really honest with him and tell him you are happy with things as they are but he shouldn't be gambling on you changing your mind.

Then it's up to him.

The reason I say that is if you do like him and get on, that (Whilst not impossible to find) is not easy and the older you get (particularly if you have children) the harder it gets to find a compatible person who you also like, is available and fits into your lifestyle for practical reasons (live near you, same values, culture etc). So I wouldn't just dump him out of hand as you would probably regret it.

HairySubject Tue 02-Feb-16 12:39:06

Is that not just selfish though? Stringing him along on the off chance? I can't see myself changing my mind for the foreseeable future, certainly not any time in the next few years.

My children have already had a stepdad, it didn't work out, they will not be getting another. That is not the only reason of course but it is a very strong one.

TheNaze73 Tue 02-Feb-16 15:39:23

End it ASAP. You had rules & boundaries. I always think with FwB that one side always wants more

lavenderhoney Tue 02-Feb-16 18:45:07

If you're not in love with him and don't see a future then end it. Its not fair to him otherwise.

However, FWB means both of you are free to date others, and if neither of you have been doing that, then IMO you've been dating and it's not working out for you - you don't feel a connection to pursue a more committed relationship leading to living together or marriage etc.

HairySubject Tue 02-Feb-16 19:16:42

I think you are right, it is time to end it, I don't want to lead him on or hurt him.

Cabrinha Tue 02-Feb-16 19:59:29

Are you both exclusive and simply want a relationship that doesn't develop into living together / meeting parents / kids etc?
There isn't only one type of relationship - I'd find out what he means by "love" - at the moment, you don't even know what he wants!
I don't mean this nastily, but he may not "love" you at all, just love what you've got going together. You may be worrying too much.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 02-Feb-16 20:05:00

He may profess to be in love with you but, other than that, what's changed? You're still busy with work and dc and, presumably, neither of you can conjure up extra time to spend with each other.

If I were you I'd tell him you're flattered but, although you enjoy his company, are fond of him, etc, you don't have time or inclination for anything more than what you're currently sharing together and ask if he's content with that, or would he prefer to end it and look around for someone who may be of a mind to fall in love with him?

It's not uncommon for one party to a FWB to imagine they're in love with the other, particulary if it's the first FWB they've had and/or they're somewhat conventionally minded, but there's no reason to end it unless the allegedly lovestruck one becomes overly demanding or possessive.

Give it a couple of months and he may have fallen out of love with you, or you may find you're falling for him, or it could die a mutual death by boredom. Such is the fickle nature of the human species. smile

BMW6 Tue 02-Feb-16 21:38:31

End it, in fairness to him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now