Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I asking for too much?(9 Posts)
I am 32 weeks pregnant with my second child and DPs first.
Around 6 weeks ago, DP ceased his affection; I got the odd kiss, cuddle at night on the sofa, but he started being really cold towards me. No sex, intimacy or passion towards me; I felt that I was there to cook dinner, keep the house clean and I guess I still do.
After a week or so of my attempts at being affectionate being rejected, I asked him why has he been acting like this? What have I done? To which he replied that he is "scared of hurting the baby." DP is a logical man, relatively intelligent and I just don't buy it. I haven't put on an obscene amount of weight, I recently brought make up to do myself up for him when he returns home.
Why am I so revolting to him that he can't even touch me? I feel broken. I feel dirty that I crave sexual intimacy. I feel like crying all the time, possibly hormones but just because I'm not desired any longer. We are both just under 30 and have been together for 3 years, things shouldn't be like this.
I resent him and I can't go on feeling so unattractive and unwanted.
I just need some advice on how to approach this, how to get through to him. I'm not very good at putting things in words and need help before I become depressed.
Hello Op, I read your thread much earlier and have been thinking about it a lot. Firstly, congratulations on the impending arrival, very exciting. Exciting, but a big life change for you both. His first you say? Big responsibility coming up, lots to think about.
When you say he is cold, is that generally? Is it more the sex thing?
In your timeline his lack of sexual interest has coincided with growing bump, the bump that kicks and is visible through your tummy. I think, from what I read when I was pregnant than some men genuinely do worry about hurting the baby, they can see it is a real living thing through the kicks. Me and my partner both took a nosedive sexually around that point, I felt (daftly) that it was disrespectful to the child inside, I just did and so did my partner. You will be feeling hormonal and nervous, you are not revolting you are gorgeous and ripe, I do honestly see his POV in a way. If he is generally a good partner and happy to be having this child then maybe make it clear that affection does not have to lead to anything more at the moment. go easy on yourself, no need to feel 'broken' (from what you have written). I hope the birth and beyond goes well for you both.
Thank you so very much for replying.
Every night we sit down like roommates, on weekends it's me and DC and then him. I stopped work at 24 weeks and although he promised to support us financially, the two times I have asked for bill/shopping money it has been met with a hard face and a sulky manner. This is something I can deal with though and is not the pressing issue, I will just support myself like I have been doing (sorry to come across as woe is me, just for a bit of detail)
I can understand and respect your feelings from your own pregnancy; it was obviously a mutual decision and you both felt comfortable. I will try and accept that this is life for now; although how he's going to come near me after witnessing childbirth is another thing!
How did your DP act towards you intimately after your little one came along and you were healed? Did things return to normality after a while?
Hi, it took a while tbh, I felt very different as a woman, tore badly and my baby was a proper whopper. In retrospect I honestly would have kept him out of the room for the pushing bit, but many women disagree and want their partners there.
The sulky manner over the money jumps out at me, sorry to say, but you have bigger issues there than your sex life. he is going to be a family man, bills need paying and he needs to understand that life is going to change and you are going to become a unit. Are you planning to go back to work?
Are you going to have to ask everytime you need a pack of nappies or a box of formula (if you are going to use it)
Your update worries me, especially as you had discussed finances. I fear you have problems ahead. I hope I am wrong about that.
We had separate finances prior to my pregnancy, as soon as I stopped work (by mutual agreement) all money became 'our money' At the moment I am the higher earner by far, in the past my husband has been, other times we are about equal, no matter, it is still our money.
Hi Brick, well reading your posts I can kind of understand his no sex embargo, some men are (irrationally) squeamish that way. But that doesn't mean you can't hug or kiss?The thing re money is also concerning, particularly when combined with the sulky face.
Were things good before the pregnancy? To me, combining the sex ban with the making you effectively beg for money sounds controlling.
I hope things work out but warning bells are ringing there for me.
Good luck x
Him refusing to pay for bills is more of an issue I think.
Perfectly normal for parents to be to go off sex, worry about the baby.
Not perfectly normal for a grown man to sulk about coughing up.
Definitely more of an issue about the household finances.
Why did you finish work so early? Is he resentful of that? Was he on board with the early finish date?
You say you don't know what words to use but I think you've been very clear about how you're feeling.
You're also worried about depression and it sounds like you know what you're talking about there. So please, don't just accept it as you say you'll have to.
Talk to him about both things. No sex in late pregnancy - not unusual. No intimacy - not acceptable.
And absolutely not acceptable to sulk about the money that is BOTH of yours. Why were you even having to "ask" for it?
Yes, things were good before baby so so good.
The money thing. From my point of view and the feeling I get when it comes up is that DC and I are a separate unit to him until the baby is here (when I sure hope things will change) which is not only extremely hurtful, but also confusing as I know he loves us both very much.
I finished work early as I had completed a project and my job role ceased to exist; I thought I'd get Christmas out the way, it would be lovely to spend it with DC and without shelling out for childcare..but nothing has really come up throughout January and the interview I did go for, I didn't get 2 weeks ago (I wonder why). DP said he would support me and not to worry after the interview.
I understand that it must be hard for him as I know I must have been hormonal throughout the pregnancy, but DC2 was not a surprise.
I feel like he's with me for an easy life and doesn't actually desire me in the ways that he should. It's only been since I've been pregnant, does he feel trapped?
I need to discuss it with him further but I clam up with the cold response I have received during the last 2 brief attempts.
I want us to be a unit.
Why on earth would he think of you as separate and then magically change his attitude?
Don't "hope" it will change.
If you're finding it hard to get through him clamming up now, you reckon it'll be any easier when you've had 2 hours sleep and you're trying to talk to him over a hungry baby and an older one needing your attention even more now baby is here?
Sort the finances out NOW. You're obviously in a position where you had to "ask" for money "from" him. No no no no no. NO.
Work out how money will be handled - joint account, transfer to your account? - and get it in place NOW. Not after the baby arrives.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.