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Husband watching soft core porn

(27 Posts)
Diamondtiara Tue 02-Feb-16 09:48:04

I've tried to post about the same topic a few times now but I come across so pathetic I have deleted it each time.

So here goes,

My husband has never been one for conventional porn from early in the relationship he swore he never watched it.

Over the 16 years we have been together, in the early days I have found DVDs / vhs's he has recoded from live tv, euro trash, babe station and the odd erotic film quite tame things. I have said I'm happy to watch them together as its something I've never done but he is quite straight laced and embarrassed so I have dropped it.

He doesn't have a high sex drive and would happily do the deed every 3-4 weeks.

I found a few homemade DVDs a few months back that were dated a few days before we got married, I was on my hen night at the time. He said he made them incase the sex "got shit" but he said never had to use them.

I took the bull by the horns after loosing quite a bit of weight and bought some nice underwear basques And some sexy nightdresses. He said I don't know why you bother as they do nothing for me.

Our sex lives has been dwindling again and I think I've found out why. We bought a chipped anndroid box with pretty much any film and box set on. It's not been working properly so I've had a look at it and taken a load of apps off I had to manually delete our watch list history and it seems as soon as I go out he's on there watching films that have softcore porn in them and lots of women's fitness DVDs.
We have apps for porn but none of them have been watched.

He came home yesterday as I was deleting it all and he turned white and he got really embarrassed. He said it's not what it looks like he was just watching them for the romance scenes.

I didn't sleep well last night as I'm gutted. We have zero romance in our lives, he has never made a effort. He hasn't kissed me properly for years and years as its not for him.

He has messaged a few times this morning as he knows I'm upset and says it will stop but it's been going on for years. Yes he's embarrassed but it's for being caught.

He's also said this morning I hope you don't think I'm getting off on all this and wanking, it hadn't really occurred to me but thinking about it whenever I return the blinds are always moved. I keep them down but they are always lower so it brings in no light.

So I guess that what he is saying he doesn't do, he actually probably is isn't he? That's why he's not bothered by the sex.

As I said this all sounds so pathetic but I feel really upset.

shoeaddict83 Tue 02-Feb-16 10:02:44

im not sure what to say but didnt want to read and run.

You mention you have zero romance, barely any sex and he doesnt even kiss you and hasnt for years? Are you happy in this relationship? Thewhole post sounds very sad to me.
Is it worth trying counselling to bring you closer together as you clearly cannot continue this way? It sounds like you need a very honest chat about your feelings and what you both want from this relationship as you cannot continue to be starved of affection this way when its clearly effecting you so much flowers

TheNaze73 Tue 02-Feb-16 10:27:01

It sounds extremely sad, I feel so sorry for you after all that effort you are making. No bloke watches porn for the romance scenes, just like no bloke buys jazz mags, for the car articles

Diamondtiara Tue 02-Feb-16 10:29:13

I'm not happy in this relationship no.

We sit down and have a talk about all of the above when something new comes to light. He brushes it under the carpet promises things will change and it does for a week or two and goes back to normal.

He knows how I feel, my confidence is at rock bottom. I tell him this and I get nothing back.

I've asked about counceling in the past and he won't go.

I do feel that I am at the end of my tether and I am actually considering leaving. The thing is, we get on pretty well and have a lovely home life. If we could just sort this out I think I could be very happy.

It all feels just so very silly, like a child wanting affection.

I am banging my head against a brick wall, I tell him this is upsetting me with you watching / looking at X Y & Z and it will then be onto the next thing. I feel that he is constantly trying to get one over on me and onto the next thing.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Tue 02-Feb-16 10:31:56

He sounds vile to be honest. He shows you no interest and wanks over an exercise dvd instead....

I'd leave him but I realise that's easier said than done. flowers

Diamondtiara Tue 02-Feb-16 10:36:38

I have tried, my confidence was at a ultimate low 2/3 years ago as I gained a lot of weight very quickly. I dropped 6 stone by myself in 9 months and felt amazing. He never once commented.

I initiate each time and it's usually met with a do it tomorrow. It's always pre empted and never spontaneous.

Dressing up does nothing, only leaves me in tears.

But the fact is I can't trust him, I feel like I need to take the remotes out with me everytime I go out.

He's happy to look at these women on tv, but he doesn't look at me during sex like that. He barely looks at me at all as he closes his eyes.

BlondeOnATreadmill Tue 02-Feb-16 10:58:55

Hmm. I think I would sit him down, and tell him that if you don't start having regular sex, that you will be seeking a relationship with another man, apart from him. As he isn't fulfilling that aspect of your relationship. I realise this sounds like an awful threat. But I am hoping it may shock him in to action.

If it makes no difference, then I guess you have a these choices:

1. Leave him and find someone more sexual.
2. Start a relationship with a new man (that he knows about)
3. Stay just as you are and go quietly mad as the years pass by and you get no sex

shoeaddict83 Tue 02-Feb-16 11:32:11

your very unhappy
he refuses counselling
leaves you in tears
does not compliment an pretty amazing weightloss
closes his eyes when you do have sex
you cannot trust him

look at the above list diamond, surely all of that overrides you saying we get on pretty well and have a lovely home life it cant be that happy if you are feeling those things, and if he got on with you that well he would give a toss about your feelings and work at this!

I know its easy for me to say behind a screen, but ive been in unhappy relationships and let it fester and didnt leave when i should, ended up wasting years of my life and he cheated anyway for years then dumped me on his terms, so i know how it can go. Please just think about trying to get away from this man and find someone who gives you the affectionate aspect of the relationship you need and treats you as you deserve.

Sgoinneal Tue 02-Feb-16 12:21:05

I can't imagine what damage this is doing to your self esteem OP. And the DVDs are a symptom but not the cause, is he willing to get counselling or talk through these issues? It sounds like he has completely retreated into himself, and that means only having a sex life on his own too. I would have said he might be depressed but from what you say he's always just had a very low libido. Would he see a GP?

Without being too personal, does he initiate sex, even rarely?

Please know that you aren't the problem, weight or no weight. thanks

redannie118 Tue 02-Feb-16 12:34:54

Oh op, I could have written this about my ex dh. Sex was two or 3 times a year and thats if I was lucky and even then only if I pushed and pushed and did all the work. He watched porn and I would wake up in the early hours and he would be wanking in bed next to me after he turned me down ! I told him over and over how miserable I was and he never cared, truth was he was utterly selfish and thought he had destroyed my self esteem enough that I would never leave. But I did and met a wonderful man who makes me feel beautiful. Im sorry op but he wont change because he doesnt care and the noises he are making now are just to stop you leaving. Please please leave, even alone you would be happier than this !

Diamondtiara Tue 02-Feb-16 12:49:23

This is going to sound strange but when he is asleep he used to be quite affectionate cuddling me, quite often getting touchy with me and occasionally would say he loved me but he would never do this awake.

For some reason that has all stopped and as he works early mornings we never have morning sex so he hasn't initiated it for well over 6 months now.

And he hasn't said he loves me for about that time either possibly a lot longer.

I think you may be right and I do have to consider leaving. I gave a ultimatum 2014 that if I caught it again I would leave. It was bad at this point and he was sneaking about watching it at every opportunity

Sgoinneal Tue 02-Feb-16 12:53:56

Oh Diamond, I think if you've already issued an ultimatum and had this chat I think it is time to think about leaving. You have a life and it's worth too much not to live it fully. He is obviously not an easy person to be in a relationship with, and you have tried very hard to make this work.

You need to put yourself first, because he isn't. What do you want in the next five years? How would your life be ideally? Think about that and it might help you find where you want to be.

pocketsaviour Tue 02-Feb-16 13:12:43

I've asked about counceling in the past and he won't go.

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like he doesn't want to fix this problem and ultimately he doesn't care if you're unhappy in the marriage.

This must be absolutely killing your self-esteem and confidence.

What kind of a fucking bellend doesn't bother even saying "well done" to an acquaintance who loses 6 stone, let alone their partner?! Oh I know, the kind of bellend who is worried that if their partner gains confidence, they will leave angry

The only way I can see this being resolved is if he admits that of course he's wanking to the vids and he has some deep-seated problems around sex and intimacy (religious upbringing perhaps?) and is willing to see a sex therapist to resolve them.

Unfortunately it sounds like he doesn't have the balls for that, he'd rather just remain a disappointing cowardly wanker. A single one, I hope.

Diamondtiara Tue 02-Feb-16 13:45:43

Not religious no but there must be something taboo about porn / sex / wanking. No idea but he will lie and convince me otherwise!

Each time a unltatum is given he just becomes more sneaky and underhand. But I know I really do need to follow through with it as it will just keep doing it.

shoeaddict83 Tue 02-Feb-16 13:50:42

as sgo said if you've issued ultimatums and it hasnt worked then he clearly has no intention of changing or making you happy. He knows how unhappy you are but isnt willing to do anything about it, and then proceeds to lie even more to cover up what he is continuing to do! And not just once - you sound like you have issued many ultimatums that hes ignored so he obviously is not invested in this marriage at all.

You deserve so much better than this where he pleases himself gives fuck all thought to your wants and needs.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Tue 02-Feb-16 13:51:37

I'm sorry that sounds absolutely awful and I'm not surprised your confidence is so low. I can't believe you lost six stone and he never even commented. I'm sorry to say it sounds like he either doesn't fancy you or is gay, which I don't think he is as you said it's women's fitness dvds.

I understand you have a nice home life. But, you could have a nice homelike with someone else who also makes you feel loved, desired and wnated and builds your confidence, not lowers it. Hes treating you awfully.

Diamondtiara Wed 03-Feb-16 07:59:17

Last night we went up to bed quite early as I'm exhausted from all this crap.

Tried to speak to him again and he was evasive and didn't want to answer my questions as we was embarrassed.

I fell asleep pretty much straight away but woke up about 11:20 and still half asleep saw the tv was on naked ladies. I was on my side with my back towards him so he couldn't see. He was watching sex cetera with the tv on mute.
After a few minutes I moved and the Chanel changed. I asked him what he was doing and why tv was muted. He said he was watching rude tube and he didn't need sound for that.

I couldn't be bothered for a argument so I didn't say anything, what's the point anymore.

I have decided however that I am done with him now. I can't keep doing this! And it's time to end the relationship.

I keep making these ultimatums and there ignored so maybe he thinks I won't follow through, for him to be really nice for a few days then goes back to the norm.

I can't face doing this face to face as I have had so many d days with him over the years about this and also he cheated on me and as I found out more and more we had confrontation after another. I get mad then I cry, then he gives me affection and I believe it will all be ok. So this time I need to do it over text so I don't crumble and I can be more firm and assertive.

My DC is away at a sleep over on Tuesday and he is working away so I feel for me this is the right time to end it.

I just need to hold it together for a few more days.

shoeaddict83 Wed 03-Feb-16 08:18:11

oh diamond, i dont know what to say other than my heart goes out to you. I think if you have reached that decision then you know its the right choice for you and you WILL find someone who treats you 100% better than this.

Keep strong and start making your plans before you tell him next week, and get personal paperwork together etc that you need so you have it safe and all together away from him.

thinking of you flowers

RedMapleLeaf Wed 03-Feb-16 09:24:46

What are you going to do over text? confused

Diamondtiara Wed 03-Feb-16 09:42:42

End the relationship over text

RedMapleLeaf Wed 03-Feb-16 09:46:06

Are you sure he deserves that?

Or does part of you hope it will kick him in to action?

I would get the formalities in place, sort out your plans and then sit him down with a done deal.

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 03-Feb-16 10:12:21

I think a letter in his suitcase might be more appropriate than a text. And it seems a bit more serious (to me). A text is a bit flippant. Well done for making a decision. I know it must be hard. But you can do this. I left a 20 year relationship. Not easy. But do-able. You only live once. And what you are living right now is a half life. You deserve so much more. flowers

Gobbolino6 Wed 03-Feb-16 10:18:07

The porn in itself wouldn't particularly bother me, but do you think he has some sexual issues of some kind? Did sex used to be better?

KittyWindbag Wed 03-Feb-16 11:47:08

Life is too short to be this unhappy and you deserve better than this.

I hope you meet someone who thinks the absolute world of you. Good luck to you xx

HopeandSoap Fri 05-Feb-16 12:22:09

Thinking if you, how did it go?

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