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Living in same house but separately

(13 Posts)
CreamTeaTotty Mon 01-Feb-16 18:54:55

I've a separate thread about the state of my marriage. But I thought I'd set up a separate one for some practical advice....

I live in a three bed house with H, DD 13 & DS 9. It's not a large house. The living room is open plan with front door to street and no hallway (you have to walk through it to go upstairs or to kitchen).

I'm trying to work out sleeping arrangements for not sleeping with my H as things are far from good at the moment. He won't leave or sleep elsewhere (still attempts to initiate sex even though he has a OW).

If I sleep in the living room I have no privacy at all. Plus the sofa is awful and makes my back ache.

I'm thinking of getting a pull out bed in my DS's room, since there's a bit of space and he goes to bed reasonably early. My DD stays up quite late and so it would be less practical and more 'weird' for her.

At the moment I'm waiting... Waiting to bring in enough money to sort myself out (and possibly leave) or waiting for him to leave me. Not sure which will happen first. So this is an interim measure.

We are currently sleeping in the same bed, as far apart as possible. I only go up to bed when II know he's asleep. It's a pretty awful situation.

ticket123 Mon 01-Feb-16 20:23:56

That sounds horrendous.

I've lived with stbxh for about six months now, but we have separate bedrooms, separate lives, no children, and we get on well.

I think I would do everything possible to move out, or get him to move. Have you talked about it? Can you come to an agreement? Use joint money to make it happen?

Could you put a camp bed in your room? I would avoid pitching up in the kids rooms if you can. I don't know why, I just would.

pocketsaviour Mon 01-Feb-16 20:35:35

Can you not put the kids in together?

pocketsaviour Mon 01-Feb-16 20:36:36

Sorry, I misread your DC's ages. That won't work.

bb888 Mon 01-Feb-16 20:41:44

It does sound awful. Are you doing as little for your H as possible re the housework?

Would a campbed and a folding screen for privacy in the living room be better than sharing a bed?

VulcanWoman Mon 01-Feb-16 20:52:13

What about getting a sofa bed in the living room, boot everyone out when you need to go to bed, if not the pull out bed in your sons room or could your son have a pull out bed in with his dad? Sorry you are in this situation, your husband is so out of order trying it on, it must be hard to feel safe living like that.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 01-Feb-16 20:56:47

'attempting to initiate sex' when you have told him the relationship is over and that you have no interest in sex with him could be classed as sexual assault if he keeps on doing it having been told to stop. Have you had any legal advice on getting him out or taking the DC and leaving?

VulcanWoman Mon 01-Feb-16 21:12:11

I agree Solid

NotnowNigel Tue 02-Feb-16 01:13:10

That's a hellish situation. And what sort of man attempts to initiate sex while seeing an OW? Sounds like he and the OW deserve each other and you'll be well rid.

If he becomes at all intimidating don't forget you can ring 999 and ask for him to be removed by the police. You can then request an exclusion order to keep him away.

Is there any possibility of borrowing money to get out asap? Have you had legal advice?

Yambabe Tue 02-Feb-16 01:47:12

Replace the marital bed with 2 singles and if possible put up a divider between them? I'm thinking something like a book-case or similar shelved unit. Wardrobe or drawers would probably be impractical for space reasons but something you could use for additional storage might be OK.

torontonian Tue 02-Feb-16 03:14:44

Ikea has a daybed that you can use as sofa during the day but the mattress is a regular twin mattress. Maybe you can replace your sofa. For intimacy if you would be sleeping only at night, I don't see much problem as everybody else would be sleeping as well.
I am in a similar situation, only that DC are 2.5 and 6 months. Luckily we have a basement and STBXH is sleeping there. No way I would share a bed with him even if my back broke in the sofa, sorry.
CNET you think of a way of sending him to the sofa? I am assuming you have asked him to but he doesn't want to leave the bed. Right now I can think of a few things that would make me go to the sofa. Smells. I can't stand oranges. If my STBXH boughthe some air freshener with that smell I would want to leave the room. Light. Read while he is in bed. Turn the thermostat up/down so he is too hot/cold and needs to move to another room. I have a very noisy humidifier. You can also try to bring one to your room if he is bothered by noise. I don't need know, use some passive aggressive ideas but don't confront because it could make your situation even worse.

CreamTeaTotty Tue 02-Feb-16 13:08:25

The financial situation is dire. Otherwise I'd have gone. CAB advised me to stay and get him to move out but continue to pay mortgage, I earn almost nothing on one part time job, I have lots of short term debts I'm struggling to keep up with (which is where all my earnings go - to pay them off). I have no savings. We don't have a joint account and never have. We live in an expensive area in a very small terrace. We own approx half the house but still have a huge interest-only mortgage.
I have no idea how on earth I would leave him, which is why CAB advised me to stay put.

VulcanWoman Tue 02-Feb-16 17:55:50

What about reporting him for sexual harassment as a way of getting him out because that's what he's doing. Does he get nasty/violent?

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