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Help with inlaws

(11 Posts)
hobbesandco Mon 01-Feb-16 18:49:05

Sorry for long post but it's a bit of a story.

I gave birth to twins a few months ago and I'm trying desperately to establish the proverbial routine with them. Recently my SIL invited me, my DH and DC to holiday with her and her DC and my PIL. Trouble is nothing has been agreed and yet I'm already stressing about it for several reasons. One, my boys aren't yet sleeping through the night and I'm worried that the drive to northern France and back would be too much for them. I calculate it would be a 6 hour drive plus 3 hour ferry ride whuch could mean them sleeping through the day and staying awake at night.

Second, I used to get along with my PIL until a few years ago. We tried for months to have a child and sadly my first pregnancy ended in a late miscarriage. A few months later when my MIL knew we were trying again she took me aside and said she wished we'd hurry up and have children. I thought that was a really insensitive thing to say but I told James about it to tell him I was a little upset but I genuinely let it go and never mentioned it again. A few years later I got pregnant again and gave birth to a girl who sadly passed away from a genetic condition. My MIL blamed me because of my age (I was 40 at the time) and told James she wished he had married an ex girlfriend from several years ago who went on to have children with someone else. When I found out what she said I was pretty shocked because I blamed myself for the first miscarriage and was about to do the same with my DD's death when I found out both my DH and I passed on the genetic condition to her not knowing we were carriers. Anyways, at that point I realised no one was to blame but I just couldn't get over what MIL said. We had a discussion later on and she apologised but in all honesty I'm now wary of being alone too long with her because of her history of saying insensitive things not just to me but others in the family.

Lastly, my FIL is getting progressively nastier with age to my MIL. He tells her frequently to shut up and yells at her constantly which makes my feel uncomfortable. He gets worse when drinking and just spouts some pretty racist stuff too. My BIL and SIL's DC have noticed this too so I don't think it's me being sensitive.

All of these reasons make me fear being cooped up with the family in a gite for a week with no escape. I've offered to rent a separate gite close by but DH thinks this would offend the PIL. I think I've been supportive of my DH's family in the past. We've given them money, they visit our DC one weekend every month and we often go up to visit them. DH and I have already had rows about this. He thinks I'd be getting my way if we didn't go yet any reasonable suggestions I make get shot down. I dont fee Im being supported. Help!

SexNamesRFab Mon 01-Feb-16 19:28:24

Firstly, very sorry for both your losses flowers Secondly, a holiday should be just that - not an ordeal. The journey alone would be enough for me to say no thanks. DH and I drive to France often, our girls our older, it can still be nightmare - esp if there are delays. Lastly, I would not want to be around your in laws, MIL sounds nasty and FIL sounds even worse. Unless you drag your DH away with your own parents often, I'd put my foot down and say holidays are sacred family time for you him and the boys.

SlinkyVagabond Mon 01-Feb-16 19:31:45

God no. Ready made excuse with twins not having a routine.

LineyReborn Mon 01-Feb-16 19:36:35

Why is your DH passing on your MiL's vile comments to you anyway?

And no, don't go on the 'holiday'.

Tbh I think you need to address your marriage. Your DH sounds quite unsupportive.

And congratulations on your twin

PurpleWithRed Mon 01-Feb-16 19:39:56

He thinks I'd be getting my way if we didn't go WTF is that supposed to mean?

ZenNudist Mon 01-Feb-16 19:48:37

This sound like less of an in law problem and more of a dh problem

I'd ask mnhq to remove his name btw. Bit too identifying.

Flat out refuse to go based on your dc being too young for such a long car ride. Can you imagine when it all gets too much for them and you just have to grimly drive on with them screaming, or stop and pacify them in a foreign service station. Just no.

Paint your dh a picture of what hell it will be trying to deal with twin babies in an ill equipped gite. Try and leave your odious in laws out of it.

Also as he's refused your reasonable compromise to go in adjoining gites. Don't offer this again just flat out refuse.

Woukd he go on holiday with your family? If not there you go try getting him to see it like that of a week with your family.

Hell is other people ...

hobbesandco Mon 01-Feb-16 20:43:04

Fair point about identifying info. Will ask mnhq. Thx.

My DH is generally supportive. He's taken lots of time off work to help with the twins and he's the world's most doting dad and he was incredibly supportive through the last hellish years. But when it comes to the FIL he doesn't tell him how he feels and my gut instinct says he prioritises FIL over me. It hurts because when he didn't get on with my DM I stood up to her. Caused a massive rift with her but DM was in no doubt that DH was first and foremost priority. Plus FIL is in poor health so DH says this could be his last year etc...

As for my DM she wants to go on hols this summer too and she was invited by SIL but based on FIL's behaviour I'd be embarrassed for her to come.
Our marriage is generally strong but I think this is starting to put a strain on us.

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 01-Feb-16 20:47:43

No no and no. Your ILs sound awful, and your H is hard work.

HeddaGarbled Mon 01-Feb-16 21:07:51

I don't understand why your H thinks it's unreasonable for you to "get your way". You've just had twins, had two dreadful losses. It's time you did have your way.

LeaLeander Mon 01-Feb-16 21:10:30

I wouldn't even dream of joining them on this trip. There's no upside for you.

KramerVSKramer Mon 01-Feb-16 21:17:20

As above. Wouldn't dream of going away with twins on a road trip of that distance. Even with ideal inlaws.

Definitely not with yours.

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