Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What is wrong with him?

(68 Posts)
mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 20:12:18

H was caught using escorts a couple of years ago. Completely off his trolley.
I decided to stay I really don't know why. Anyway I still have trust issues and if I try to speak to him he causes an argument and walks out or starts crazy making verbal gymnastics. Hardly going to help is it.
So I asked that he be more transparent but this has had the opposite effect and he walks round with a watch and phone on silent in his pocket. Seems genuinely hurt when I point this out.
So asked for financials and he argued all weekend saying I only wanted to know so I could leave. I said it doesn't matter why as marriage is a partnership.
He feels I am manipulating him if I mention any of the above and calls me crazy or runs off.
God this sounds really bad but I really think he would rather see me mentally ill than take on my concerns. He says I'm trying to ruin his life.

VoyageOfDad Sun 31-Jan-16 20:21:54

Bullies and more so guilty bullies in my experience tend to get their attack in first when they're dead in the wrong.

He sounds guilty as, given how defensive you describe him.

mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 20:25:26

Iyou mean he might be carrying on. He keeps giving his word and then not being transparent. He gets angry if I am needy and says he doesn't need reminding about the past.

Kr1stina Sun 31-Jan-16 20:27:45

Do you want to stay married to him ? He doesn't sound like a very good husband

mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 20:31:17

well I thought I did but I can't cope with the lack of emotional support.

mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 20:33:01

I agree if its going to work I need to let go of it but how can I when he does the opposite of what I ask. Thoughtless which leaves me insecure.

pocketsaviour Sun 31-Jan-16 20:35:12

No if it's going to work HE needs to earn your trust and respect, so that YOU can feel confident to let it go.

What actual actions has he taken to do that? Not what he's said. What he's done.

mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 20:39:50

Lots of money stuff such as buying things and holidays but that wasn't what I needed. I needed to be able to talk to him but he won't.

mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 20:41:40

He says he's too ashamed to talk about it. Says I am paranoid. Which I probably am.

VoyageOfDad Sun 31-Jan-16 20:44:34

Paranoid or not , under the circumstance he should either be transparent or leave.

mum I got the impression you are saying , he slept with escorts and was found out. So in order to continue the marriage you demanded transparency ( perfectly reasonable ) , and he is anything but transparent...

If that's the case it doesn't bode well.

Sleeping with other women is obviously a red line for most marriages. You've sought to forgive him and move on with the proviso of openness.

He's not living up to it, and is in fact getting angry with you and doing your head in..

You are in the right. He is in the wrong.

mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 20:50:12

yes he has made the decision that he is clean and cannot comprehend my concerns. Says I'm doing it on purpose because I like to create drama.

summerwinterton Sun 31-Jan-16 20:53:57

Or maybe you don't trust him because he is a dishonest cheat?

Why did you stay I wonder.

mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 21:01:19

I stayed because I wanted everything to be ok. If I am needy he creates huge rows rather than talk to me and tries to turn things on me which leaves me reeling. So what with the toxic rowing I can't get over it, he wants to sweep it under the carpet.
I just want a normal give and take relationship. He sees a specialist and all he talks about is me and how I can't let it go.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 31-Jan-16 21:04:26

I just want a normal give and take relationship.

Well, if you want one of those, you'll have to get rid of this obnoxious bully first.

AnyFucker Sun 31-Jan-16 21:06:59

God, who could be arsed with this ?

Just dump the cheating bastard. What the hell are you jumping through hoops for ? He is worth shit

summerwinterton Sun 31-Jan-16 21:47:13

But it isn't ok and it never will be. Why on earth you think you deserve this utter shite is completely beyond me. He is no prize.

I hope you get some sti testing too.

You will never have a normal relationship with him or someone like him. Get rid and sort out some counselling to establish why on earth you think you deserve this crap. And who cares what he says to his specialist - a load of utter tosh probably.

Resilience16 Sun 31-Jan-16 22:13:58

This man is emotionally abusive. You need to acknowledge that and get out. I am really sorry but this relationship is never going to be ok. His behaviour is toxic, and the fact that he goes to his specialist and blames you rather than focussing on addressing his many issues shows that he has no insight into his behaviour and no intention of changing.
I know it is a horrible situation to be in, I have been in a similar situation,and I know it can be hard to let go of the dream of happy families, but this isn't going to get better and if you stay it will grind you down.
Get out, get away. You don't need the drama and you deserve better.
Good luck x

Fallandfly Sun 31-Jan-16 22:20:35

If he was genuinely remorseful snd wanted to make things better he would be doing everything to show he was sorry and make you feel safe, secure and, lived. He would let you access his phone and do everything possible to rebuild the trust. He appears to want to just forget it and gets anger that you are, justifiably, insecure because of what he did. That isn't a man who wants to rebuild his relationship. It's a man who just wants you to shut up and forget. You deserve so much better than that.

Fallandfly Sun 31-Jan-16 22:21:04


WalkingBlind Sun 31-Jan-16 22:37:04

It's fairly reasonable to assume he's turning the tables on you because he still has something to hide. An innocent person would just be transparent (even begrudgingly) just to prove their innocence. Guilty people tend to say "I shouldn't have to prove myself to you"

Sorry OP, I think you deserve better, especially to try and forgive cheating and get nothing in return flowers

mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 22:39:39

Thanks for all your replies. My mental health would improve if he left but he won't and I have nowhere to go.
I can tell that he has been telling his specialist that I am a passive aggressive bully and an addict. I got drunk at Xmas a few times as the stress got to me.
I'm just so disappointed that he's turning it on me. He believes it.

mumsonthelash Sun 31-Jan-16 22:45:17

If I ask for access to his bank account( he can look at mine) he goes ballistic saying I'm going to blame him. In fact rages.
He also lied about our mortgage amount saying it was higher than it was to frighten me? He says I'll be sorry when I'm on my own.

Cabrinha Sun 31-Jan-16 22:48:34

Why do you feel you have nowhere to go?
Don't you work?
Or have a parent you can return to?

Nice that the way he tried to get you on side after paying for sex was to buy you things.

Well - you're not a prostitute, turns out you weren't for sale, huh?

1. It is not paranoia not to trust someone who has already proved themselves untrustworthy in a massive way. That's not being paranoid, it's being sensible.

2. Needing something (explanations, truth, reassurance, love) from a partner is not being "needy" - it's just a normal need.

Dump his sorry prostitute fucking arse.

Cabrinha Sun 31-Jan-16 22:50:06

Why on earth does he have access to your bank account?! shock

Cabrinha Sun 31-Jan-16 22:50:39

You won't be sorry when you're on your own. You'll be relieved, not stressed and not getting drunk to cope.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now