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Would really appreciate advice on whether I should go on this OLD ?

(38 Posts)
Tinkerbellx Sun 31-Jan-16 13:36:27

I'm new and naive I think with dating so would appreciate any advice .
Briefly I met exdh at 17 , was pretty much hurdled into marriage which we stayed in for 25 ish years and have been separated approx 3 years now .
Marriage was mostly unhappy .Thats another story .

I've had one relationship since ( fell big time for someone prob totally unsuitable but we are and will always be friends now .... ).
Anyway I feel like I'm in a good place now to just have a few dates .
My DC are my priority but I have a little free time now and feel happier than I ever have I think.

I'm actually excited ... Having never really dated before until now since I was a very immature 16 .

I'm taking to a few men online .
I went on my first date last week and it was ok .
I wouldn't see him again as potential partner material ....
I think I'm worried about hurting or offending when I suppose in the long term it's better to be honest and upfront .

Anyway I was talking to a man who looked and sounded lovely .
He's basically brought his 3 girls up on his own and now has a bit of time for the first time in years to meet someone .

We talked on what's app a bit .... Great sense of humour .
Then he got quite full on after just a few days, saying .... Your the last thing I think about at night and first thing I think about in the morning .
He can't wait to look into my eyes and get to know me .
I could be the next chapter in his life .

I was really looking forward to meeting him until he became so full on .
He's a totally different man to anyone I'd normally go for .... Lives in the country,great cook and bakes amazing cakes !

However I have a feeling he is I love with the idea of being in love ..... I'm in a good place right now and while I don't want to fall in love ( it will be great if it happens ) I want to experience dating for the first time .
I think ( tell me if I'm wrong ) I'm approaching it from a healthier attitude now I'm happy on my own .
As I've never really done this I'd really like to enjoy meeting differrent people, making friends, maybe more ( am a bit old fashioned ) if romance follows but I think he's looking way too deeply into this .
I feel bad because I've ignored his last two messages this weekend to try and get the message across that I don't want to be talking to him all day and evening .
I did suggest he'd never met me and needed to basically back off a bit and he just replied that it was what was on the inside that counted and I was the one for him !

I'm supposed to meeting him for a drink tomorrow evening .
Should I go ?
He s obviously vulnerable and in a selfish way I don't need that now I'm back on my feet .

Optimist1 Sun 31-Jan-16 13:40:09

I think you're reading it right when you say he's in love with the idea of being in love. Dealing with his issues as a sensitive person (which your OP demonstrates you are) would be time-consuming and unrewarding, IMHO. All the cake in the world couldn't make up for that! cake

Bananalanacake Sun 31-Jan-16 13:47:49

I would go, just to see what he's like. Make sure someone knows where you are and when you'll be home. You don't have to see him again if you don't want to.

WickedWax Sun 31-Jan-16 13:50:57

You don't owe this man anything, not even another minute of your time, and if alarm bells are ringing for you, which they clearly are, and rightly so imo, then give him a swerve.

TheTigerIsOut Sun 31-Jan-16 13:53:51

Don't over analyse, just go, you will get a better idea when you meet him.

Having said that... Trust your instincts (and as with any other OLD, do not disclose any information that could help them trace where you live until you know you can properly trust them (and keep a friend informed of your whereabouts)

HandyWoman Sun 31-Jan-16 14:10:53

Oh god I would not meet a man who said these things before meeting. I've swerved men like this online. Massive red flag for me.

You sound in a very good place. And your instincts are spot on. They are telling you he has a totally unrealistic idea about what intimacy is.

On the dating thread we have a rule: it's all bullsh*t until it actually happens.

You're still in the bullsh*t phase (not met yet). And you don't owe him a millisecond more of your time. By all means send a 'thanks but no thanks' but I wouldn't meet him.

If he then turns nasty then you know you definitely did the right thing and can happily block.

Come join the dating thread! Lots of support there!!

HandyWoman Sun 31-Jan-16 14:13:29

Plus, let's face it, he may never have baked a cake in his life! Could be wrong. Just saying - healthy scepticism/thick skin is essential with OLD.

Cabrinha Sun 31-Jan-16 14:26:56

Ha ha - I also thought that about the amazing cakes!

I think you're spot on OP to be unsure about him, if a man is OTT when he hasn't met you, how do you trust anything nice that he says after he meets you? I don't like the personality type that is like this, so he wouldn't be for me. If you do still want to meet him, I'd advice fixing a date very soon and being explicit with him that the OTT bullshit makes you uncomfortable and he's to stop it. If you get anything but a respectful reaction to that, don't bother meeting him.

goodnightdarthvader1 Sun 31-Jan-16 14:31:12

If you need to ask, then don't go, simple.

He sounds very full on.

ALaughAMinute Sun 31-Jan-16 15:11:54

I think he sounds a bit unhinged. I would politely and as kindly as possible let him down.

BatshitCrazyWoman Sun 31-Jan-16 15:15:41

Totally agree with Handy. Your instincts have kicked in and questioned this, I'd trust them.

AnyFucker Sun 31-Jan-16 15:19:15

how do you know he is a great cook and bakes amazing cakes ?

he told you this ?

as well as jumping full on into love mode ?

he sounds like a fucking crank/looking for someone to mother his kids/a complete bullshitter/any combination of the above and you should stay well clear

Resilience16 Sun 31-Jan-16 15:35:36

Go with your gut instinct. This guy does sound a bit loopy Labrador,so probably best to avoid . OLD can be fun, but follow your instincts.
Good luck!

Trills Sun 31-Jan-16 15:43:49

Your the last thing I think about at night and first thing I think about in the morning .

Nope. That's not a message you would get from a well-balanced person.

choceclair123 Sun 31-Jan-16 15:50:23


jazzyg Sun 31-Jan-16 20:18:59

Trust your instincts. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, you've told him to back off a bit and he hasn't, then these are red flags and I wouldn't meet him. I've had guys like this message me before and they have quickly become a bit obsessive. So as soon as this kind of behaviour appears I personally think it's best to end the contact with a polite message. Better safe than sorry.

pocketsaviour Sun 31-Jan-16 20:43:56

Oh hell no!

Tinkerbellx Mon 01-Feb-16 14:50:59

Thanks everyone.
Well I sent him a clear message saying that he was being way too full on and that I was concerned . I was honest and said I wanted him to be sure he knew I was in a good place, happy single and looking forward to dating this summer ( lots of guys hopefully ) .
I told him that saying he thought about me morning and night was alarming.

I think he is quite possibly very nervous .
It seems hes brought up 3 girls into almost adulthood and not dated himself in years .
I don't think this will go anywhere ---- hes shot and prepared me some pheasants and made some jam [ hmm ]

He seemed to get the message to back off and then ruined it by texting me at midnight saying ..... oh I forgot to ask you whats your favourite film !!!!
I agreed to meet for one drink tonight and suggested 3 places- told him to google and choose . Have since had 4 messages telling hed go wherever suited me as hed drive anywhere .
Oh dear

8angle Mon 01-Feb-16 14:56:29

Sounds like a lot of hard work... and you haven't even met yet... would probably dodge this bullet.. before you end up with the pheasants...

WickedWax Mon 01-Feb-16 15:35:05

Seriously, just sack him off.

He sounds like a total crank, he hasn't even met you yet and has already told you that you're the one for him... and he owns a gun. confused

Towardsthesun Mon 01-Feb-16 15:43:19

So you've told him you are dating in the summer and he's too full on .,,but you're going out for a drink with him tonight!

Tinkerbellx Mon 01-Feb-16 15:46:10

I know - am I bonkers too ??
Shit Im just trying not to hurt his feelings but I think it would be kinder to cancel .

HandyWoman Mon 01-Feb-16 15:51:24

He sounds like an insecure loner. He's probably socially very awkward, hence not being able to choose a location for drinks. Although often men like to allow women to choose a location they're comfortable with when its OLD.

The killing you pheasants and making you jam thing - way too intense and inappropriate. You will probably take one look at this bloke and think 'no way' (which is frankly normal and often expected for OLD). Then where will you stand given that he's already cooked and killed for you? And decided you're 'the one'? Will you be running out of the pub loaded with pheasant carcasses and a wedding ring? Will you feel
railroaded into a second date? confused

I think by meeting this guy you are leaving yourself quite vulnerable.

The red flags are multiplying here. Protect yourself. Find an excuse. And bail. He will definitely find another victim for his prolific fantasising culinary skills

HandyWoman Mon 01-Feb-16 15:57:39

Also, on a more serious note, for all you know he may have MH issues. And may turn nasty when the fantasy ends. Plus, he owns a gun. MUCH better to bail now.
Think of some emergency, anything, just cancel.

Vaginaaa Mon 01-Feb-16 16:12:17

I would definitely cancel. It's red flag behaviour. I think you've stumbled across a "nice guy". Says and does everything he thinks a woman wants to hear rather than what he actually thinks. Expects it to be a transaction of sorts where he earns affection and/or more by doing this. Doesn't see you as you the person, sees you as interchangeable woman. Flips like a switch when he realises relationships don't work like that and all the cakes, meals and "you choose, I don't mind"s don't earn him rights to your time or vagina.

Cancel firmly and you'll see flickers of what he is really like.

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