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Does men realise the consequences

(58 Posts)
whatanoodle Sun 31-Jan-16 01:07:26

This is very generic, I know women cheat too. But for me I'm focussing on the few relationships I've had & friends of mine. I'm trying to understand the male brain, as I do think in general women realise the consequences and don't mess up as much as men.

My dp has had 2 previous episodes of emotional affair. I was checking phone bills online and not sure why but looked at his, 2 numbers txted regularly. I confronted and he denied then admitted flatterly and was stupid. Nothing ever happened. I believed him and we discussed and moved on. Oddly we can look back and laugh.
We have been together for 10 years. His previous relationships never lasted longer than a year. He has cried in the past and told me how important I am to him and values me.
We decided to have a night away for his birthday. During the evening we discussed his past EA. It was lighthearted and we looked back at how far we have come and still together. He put his hand on my leg and told me how much he loved me. We had a lovely night away and spent today going for a drive and publunch. I did notice at one point when I came back from the bathroom that he had his phone out and put it back in his pocket when he saw me. It was something in his face that I just thought that's odd.
This feeling stayed with me, I trusted he would never risk it again. But when we got home he went to the pub with mates and I checked the phone records. (we have same account). I can't explain why I felt I did this.

My hands shook as I saw a number texted all last nite while we were away and first thing this morning, up until we arrived home. I don't know how he did it but he did it.I rang the number and it was a female voice.That's all i needed to know. I have an odd feeling it was one of the numbers from previous EA, but i can't prove that. I don't know what was texted just saw the volume.

I didn't want a discussion, but I texted him an hour ago to tell him that I apologise for snooping but I just had a bad feeling and that I saw what he had done. He replied that it was nothing to worry about. But he was annoyed I had snooped. I flipped between thinking of course he's annoyed as he has been found out v he's annoyed I don't trust him.

I'm doubting myself, but I asked him not to come home and to stay with his parents tonight. I don't know if i'm being unreasonable and to trust him that there was nothing in this. I can't and wont' ring the number to ask.I wouldn't lower myself. He has texted that he can't believe i would bring this up again and not believe him. He has said it was a text from someone he didn't know and was wondering who it was by replying. I asked him why he didn't just show me and he said I would have thought he initiated. But he carried on today!
I know I have to ask him to leave. But I'm so disappointed that he would throw what we have away and to make me feel like an idiot thinking we were the perfect couple away with no worries.

I don't know what I'm asking but had to write this down as I just feel betrayed even though he is telling me i was wrong to check up on him and that it was nothing. I don't want to let go but I know I have to.don't i?

whatanoodle Sun 31-Jan-16 01:11:10

sorry title was meant to be Do instead of does!

timelytess Sun 31-Jan-16 01:15:16

What a load of tosh people talk on MN! You're bad to look at his phone, are you? But its ok for him to maintain a relationship with a woman, and even be in touch with her constantly while you are away together?
If you are for real, wise up. Its not an 'EA' and its not nothing.

SoThatHappened Sun 31-Jan-16 01:24:40

I just think once a cheater always a cheater. I think there are some guys for whom they will always do this and they will never stop.

As for consequences, no I dont think they really care.

whatanoodle Sun 31-Jan-16 01:42:29

timelytess. yes it's for real. jesus i'm upset and facing losing what I THOUGHT was good. wise up i know i have to , but i'm struggling with my best friend and dp doing that to me. i can't just wise up straight away. i'm crying thinking that someone would do this and i'm not good enough.

MatrixReloaded Sun 31-Jan-16 01:53:51

Your dp absolutely understood the consequences. That's why he hid it and is now minimizing. Unfortunately because there was no real consequences for him the first time he assumes that will be the case this time.

It absolutely isn't nothing , your not over reacting , it would be a deal breaker for me.

smallfry16 Sun 31-Jan-16 02:06:58

what makes you think it was a n EA? Because he said so. Wise up and get rid and move on to someone who values you.

SoThatHappened Sun 31-Jan-16 02:08:32

i'm crying thinking that someone would do this and i'm not good enough.

I hear you. I've been there. I am there in fact. I would never do it to someone. One I am with someone I care for, I would do nothing to hurt them. I am very loyal.

What I have tried to tell myself is that it is them, they need a constant ego boost from others. They will always need more than one person.

But it is hard not to blame yourself for it, even though it is not your fault.

janaus Sun 31-Jan-16 02:36:31

I am so sorry. Also don't know how men like this continue to keep on the pretence, mine included. Happy wife Happy life.

HerRoyalNotness Sun 31-Jan-16 02:39:43

IME men can't see beyond what they are doing right that moment, or beyond the end of the week.

They don't visualise, if I do x, my wife will leave me and I won't see the DC everyday, I'll have to pay out part of my salary to her, move and downsize, the future we planned won't happen. Thry don't seem to grasp any of the long term implications and are just in it for the short term thrills.

You've got the phone number, call back and ask how she knows your H. He is feeding you a tall story.

SoThatHappened Sun 31-Jan-16 02:45:26

Or put the number in your phone, save it and do a facebook find friends search. It may bring up her name if it is linked to her facebook account.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 31-Jan-16 05:32:17

No doubt he'll try make an issue of you 'snooping' but what were you supposed to do? See that look on his face, instinctively know that he's been shagging paying attention to an ow, and ignore your gut feeling? If you'd done that you would have been giving him more time to make an even bigger fool of you than he's done twice before.

He has said it was a text from someone he didn't know and was wondering who it was by replying If I received a text from someone I didn't know I'd assume it had come to the wrong number and I'd send one text to let the texter know their message hadn't got through to the right person.

However, Mr Moralsofanalleycat found it neccessary to spend the evening of his birthday celebration texting some random everytime you weren't looking and followed this with a day of clandestine texting just to confirm that he didn't know them. Yeah, right. Totally unbelieveable.

It's not you that's not good enough; it's him and the truth is he's not good enough for you. This man will never keep it zipped and you're best advised to throw the faithless fucker out and get yourself tested for stis at your nearest GUM clinic before you embark on any more sexual relationships.

Sorry, honey, but he showed you what he was twice before and you surely know that leopards don't change their spots.

Btw, I suggest you check the phone bill again to see what activity there was on his mobile last night as it may show he made calls to the number just to confirm he'd didn't know who had been texting him. hmm

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 31-Jan-16 05:45:21

You're facing losing what you THOUGHT was good?

No you're not. You're facing losing what you know is a sham. You've just chosen to do the emotional equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and shout "la la la I can't hear you" at all the evidence.

He's a cheat. He's cheated on you at least twice in the past and now, surprise, surprise, he's doing it again.

You knew exactly who and what he was.

Get rid

Baconyum Sun 31-Jan-16 05:47:22

I see so much on mn about ea I don't believe there's any such thing, men or women. The people I know that have cheated (and I'm old and know too many people!) It has always ended up in sexual contact within 2-3 months. Look through the relationship board here and threads that start 'they were having an ea' more often than not end up down the line 'I've now discovered there was sexual contact/they planned to have sexual contact'. I think men cheat more because its still a patriarchal society and its condoned (at least by other men), covered and excused. It's also still largely easier for men to cheat, they're more likely to be the person working outside the home in jobs with longer hours, travel etc which provides the perfect opportunities.

Which is not to say I excuse the women they have the affairs with. I am not of the view 'he made the vows to you not her'. Excepting the rare occasions where the ow genuinely doesn't know they are the ow I am of the view they are equally despicable for tearing apart a committed relationship and worse if there are children involved. We live in a society where monogamy is the dominant accepted form of relationship and it is unacceptable to breach that.

Your man is a serial cheat, possibly with the same woman. Kick him out, get a SHL and get sti test. And I know its not easy I've been there. I was almost convinced I'd become psychotically jealous and suspicious and was going round the twist, he had me thinking that! Turns out he was shagging 2 ow. Cheats are very charming, convincing liars.

JohnThomas69 Sun 31-Jan-16 05:54:18

Not all men are the same. Just as many woman can't see past the end of there noses. If the tables were turned the chauvinist insults would be flying right left and centre. We're all wired the same and have the same group of emotions including lust and temptation. They're not exclusive to one sex or another. The venting is lol. Seems there's a lot of bruised egos on here.

GreenRug Sun 31-Jan-16 06:28:32

Bruised egos? No. People who have picked up the pieces of broken families, been lied to, convinced they must be losing their minds as their 'd'ps tell them it's all in their heads, yes.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown as a result of years of being cheated on and it being turned around on me, making me believe I was just some damaged, paranoid person (it was the days before mobiles and emails etc). My ego was the last thing on my mind, I was too busy waiting for the Crisis Team to come round to check I'd not ' done anything stupid'. And all that because one man didn't have the guts to just say I want to go with other women, let's call it a day. If there's any ego issues, it's on the other side of the fence.

Back to you OP! You're going to be ok. This much I know. It will be fucking horrible and you'll swing back and forth constantly in your emotions but you will get sick of it, and at that point you'll straighten your shoulders, wipe your eyes and blow your nose and march on alone. And you'll never look back (my ex still lives with his mum, I do have a little smile about that to myself every so often/every day gringrin)

Phoenix69 Sun 31-Jan-16 06:36:18

When you say 'oddly we can look back and laugh' he is laughing because there were no consequences and he has still been carrying on behind your back. When you confront him he lies to you. Boot him out. That's a consequence. Can't trust him. Boot him out for good. Move on.

bb888 Sun 31-Jan-16 06:47:13

I seems like his contact with other women has been going on for years in one form or another, and has never been addressed, but swept under the carpet?

You really need total honesty from him about what has been going on, butits doubtful that he will be able to give you that.

Penfold007 Sun 31-Jan-16 07:10:16

He's a serial cheat and yes it will be more than 'emotional'. He has stayed with you for so long because there are no consequences for his behaviour.

Are you going to carry on ingnoring his cheating or are you ready to move on?

Isetan Sun 31-Jan-16 07:12:48

Although this is being done to you, it isn't about or because of you. I"m guessing the short duration of his previous relationships, correlated to his fluid interpretation of monogamy.

However, you're asking the wrong question. It isn't 'why does he do this?' but 'why do I let him repeatedly treat me with such disrespect?' and only you know the answer to that question.

With regards to the snooping, you're smart to recognise when he's being dishonest but not yet brave enough to accept that this isnt just what he does but who he is.

You have choices and staying with someone who has and continues to cheat on you, a choice.

Baconyum Sun 31-Jan-16 08:43:59

Johnthomas69 - weird username for this thread

No not all men are the same but ime damn few don't cheat,but as I said I think this is largely due to societal expectations and opportunity.

Bruised egos NO! broken hearts, minds spirits and lives and I'm not just talking about the ex wives! My 15 yr old daughter has been treated as less than a stranger by her own father,has lost her relationship with his parents as a result of his actions which I know has hurt them too. 4 peoples lives destroyed because he couldn't keep his pants zipped!

83mummypig Sun 31-Jan-16 08:59:22

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know what it's like when suspicion takes hold. I found evidence and was told I was mad and wrong to not trust.

Again I thought it was me, why would he do this to me. But I've always been told it was never about me, it was about him - even my therapist told me that. I don't think he genuinely set out to hurt me.

You gave him a chance and he blew it. Please put your big girl pants on and be brave and kick him out.

Fwiw when I found out about my ex he realised he'd hurt me then, tried to minimise damage and brush the affair under the carpet. He made it all about him. At that point I couldn't be with him. He didn't know what he wanted and I had self respect for myself not to be an 'option'.

Now 3 years on what he did has had a great impact on him and I can hand on heart say he'd never cheat again. He has paid for the price, greatly. However we are not together. Forgiveness is a piece of piss, in comparison to forgetting, which I can never do.

happyanddappy Sun 31-Jan-16 09:01:34

whatnoodle, I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm also going through it, and it's tough. I told my husband to move out and give me some space, and you would not believe the emails I'm getting about 'poor him' and 'I'm so sorry' and he's started therapy etc.

I think, what you have to be prepared for is just that the man you married, and have been living with is not really the man you have been living with. It flips everything, and is disturbing in many ways. Like your holiday. You were having a good time, while he was cheating. I have memories like that I look back on and think oh my god. The man in selfish and childish and is going to try and manipulate you at every turn. No, he probably doesnt realise the effect all this has, because otherwise he wouldnt do it would he? It's annoying, but as the emotionally mature person, you're going to have to step up once again and really admit the truth. He is not matched to you. He is a cheat. He is a liar. Everything he says is a lie in some form. He does not love you as he should. This is who you married. It is devastating. Sorry if I come across harsh, it's the harshness I feel right now about my situation and maybe you feel the cruelty and unfairness too. People on here say it gets better, lets hope for that...

wannabestressfree Sun 31-Jan-16 09:59:43

Please Don't buy the crap he is spinning you. He has been caught and is very much at fault and you are not......
You know this is not a wrong number etc. He is messing around and you need to get angry now. It's understandable to be upset but he is twisting what he has done to suit him....

whatanoodle Sun 31-Jan-16 10:18:33

Thank you all for your replies. I am so sorry to see others going through/have gone through. I hope you are doing ok and by thesounds of it handling it very well.
I'm swinging between hating him and seeing my future without him and then crying for being so stupid.
We aren't married so that makes things easier. i have a child from previous, so again no ties. But we had invested alot of time and effort over the years in each other in so many ways.
I know him and knew each time something was up,I know for a fact and have checked over phone records last nite that he didn't contact her since yesteday and it hasn't been ongoing. I'm not minimising, i'm still annoyed. I also know in my heart it hasn't been more than EA. I know by him from previous also, it never went further than EA. But EA in my book is worse than going out and getting drunk and saying it just happend. this has to be hidden and calculated. That's the behaviour I hate.
I have read over and over the lines you have all written. Why have I let him do this to me and he did it because there were no consquences in past. There were rows and tears and I thought that enough. But no he sounds like every man you are all writing about. Weak/selfish/immature.
I don't feel good enough right now, that thinking might change as I go through the motions. But it's the one feeling that I can't shift and makes tears come to my eyes.
His last text was he has done nothing wrong and loves me and I should know that by the actions of everyday with him. I told him to leave me alone and I would be out of the house all day and he could collect his things.I have heard nothing from him this morning and I won't. He's thinking poor him. It is my house and we were saving for our own together. I have my own income so that i'm thankful for also. He was renting his property out, lease for tenants due in two weeks,so he has that to fall back on.
I feel empty and stupid. But I know it's in my control now. I just wish I didn't have to let go as I did think of him as my best friend and someone i wanted to spend my life with. It's just a pity he didn't value it as much.
So i have to leave the house today now in case he comes back to talk, i can't look at him. I know he'll try talk me around and I can't let him.

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