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DD's abusive ex - what to do?

(11 Posts)
WheresMyTrowel Sat 30-Jan-16 21:51:55

This is really painful to write about but DD age 17 got involved with a horrible BF who I think is about a year or so older than her. She is now with another BF who is really lovely and such a good person. However the ex (who gave her drugs and took advantage of her) is still contacting her asking if she misses him.

I know this because the new BF has told me this - I am in contact with him without DD knowing, because we have both been trying to support her with her mental illness. He has contacted me when she's been having an episode. (she lives away from home and near him. Abusive ex lives in the home area here so at least most of the time DD is physically a long way away from him).

Today I texted the BF to say can't DD just text the ex that she wants no more contact and that she is with someone else now, and then change her mobile number. BF says yes hopefully she will do that at some point. I can't tell her directly to do that because then she will know I'm in contact with her BF and I will lose her trust.

I said to BF that to my mind, ex should be reported to the police. BF said DD won't report him because his friends will "get her."

What can or should I do?

HarmlessChap Sun 31-Jan-16 00:59:41

BF should ask her to tell the ex to leaver her alone then block his number, FB and any other electronic medium.

WheresMyTrowel Sun 31-Jan-16 10:08:42

Thanks for posting Harmless.

BF has tried that, I guess he can only keep on trying. I don't understand why DD won't do that. I can't talk to her about it though as I described above. I feel helpless and feel that this will prevent DD from moving on- it's like the ex has some kind of horrible hold over her.

SelfLoathing Sun 31-Jan-16 10:40:41

and then change her mobile number.

Depending on how "stalker" the ex is or is likely to become, I think the advice generally is serious cases is to just get a new phone/number but leave the old one active and just hide it/not use it/stick it in a drawer and don't turn it on (so the voicemail is still active but you don't have to deal with it)

This is because for serious stalkers cutting off the avenue of contact can be seen as a hostile act. It also gives them something to do (try to find the new number by contacting friends/family of the victim surreptitiously or with sob stories to get the number) and this project of trying to track down the number is also a form of indirect contact and feeds the beast.

Depends how much risk there is of him turning stalker I suppose

differentnameforthis Sun 31-Jan-16 11:11:08

OP, I do understand that you are concerned for your daughter, and I also understand why you are in touch with her bf. BUT, it being a secret is going to damage your relationship when she finds out.

You say that you will lose her trust, that will happen anyway & if she is as fragile as you suggest, knowing that her current bf has been "reporting" back to you, will shatter her.

WheresMyTrowel Sun 31-Jan-16 18:33:26

Yes differentname that's my quandary. I just feel helpless.

differentnameforthis Mon 01-Feb-16 07:45:49

sad it must be very hard.

BlondeOnATreadmill Mon 01-Feb-16 09:17:44

Hasn't your DD got a Dad? Why is this all on you? I know if my DD was going through this, my DH would be round to Ex BF house like a bullet, and he would nip it in the bud immediately. End of.

WheresMyTrowel Mon 01-Feb-16 10:47:10

Thanks differentname

Blonde my DH is terminally ill sadly. There's no way he can be involved, I KNOW it would just raise my stress levels even more and he wouldn't cope with it, in fact, it would make things worse. I agree with your thinking though.

cocochanel21 Mon 01-Feb-16 12:31:21

It sounds to me that your DD still want's contact with her Ex. If she was happy with her bf she would have changed her number and blocked him long ago. How does her bf feel about this?

Sadly I''ve been in your situation I understand what you are going through. I think you really need to talk to her.
Sorry about your DH and take care of yourself.

WheresMyTrowel Mon 01-Feb-16 19:40:37

No she doesn't want contact with the Ex. She's blocked him on FB but he contacts her on instagram - apparently you can't block that? She's scared of him, she thinks his "friends" will "get her". BF obviously upset about it but what can he do? He is 800 miles away from the Ex (as is DD). BF doesn't know him, never has done,doesn't know anyone who knows him either.

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