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How can I get over his affair?

(34 Posts)
lisielou81 Sat 30-Jan-16 14:53:04

I've been reading quite a lot of threads on here about 'infidelity' and I'm desperate for some advice regarding my own experience. Back in July I found out my OH, who i have been with for 19 years and have 2 children, 17 &14, had been secretly messaging with someone else after meeting up through a fb page. There are lots of other people within this group that he talks to, but the whole thing bothers me no end, I get the feeling it's all a little false, and they take it all to seriously. They all met up in June so this ment he would be away for the weekend. I wasn't happy but I let him go. Over the next few weeks or so
he changed alot. Hardly coming near me, hardly talking to me, always made a point of taking the dog out. Had his phone on him always, I mean always. He even put a lock on it!! This was not like him at all. I am a very persistent person, if I know somethings not right then I have to find out why. I would bring it up all the time, about the phone, the avoidance he talked me round every time. I was convincing myself it was all in my head, that I was 'creating' stuff just so I had a reason for it all. Was driving myself crazy.
Long story short (because the other stuff isn't important) I eventually found out the truth and confronted him. He was shocked that I knew and didn't deny it. I asked him why, he said he got on really well with her, that they had a lot in common, that there was 'something' between them he couldn't explain. After a lot of crying and balling I asked him to leave, he did and went to stay where he works. He left himself logged into is fb and I was reading messages they were sending each other all that night about how they feel about each other, how all of this is about to get real, how much they wanted to be together. I must also say there was a third party to this who was there, in some ways condoning it all. That night he choose her over me. He told this 3rd party person he had chosen to be with her wanted to be with her and not me. These messages went on all night, I later found out there were txt and calls aswell, so heaven only knows what they actually 'talked' about. As the night progressed it turned out she was getting cold feet about the whole thing. Messages stopped and he was pleading with her to get in contact again. She was no longer intersted. I went to see him a couple of days later with his stuff and told me he was sorry and never ment for any of this to happen and he wanted to come home. I told him I knew about all the messages and how I also knew she was no longer interested. He couldn't deny any of it.
Being only 34 I had never been I a situation remotely like this and had no idea what to do next. After talking for weeks I agreed to have him back and that we should try and work things out. Things were going really well, to well in fact, but he didn't change, was always on his fone, talking to other people from this group, refused to share it all with me (and still does) wanted to have 'his' time. I later found out he messaged her saying he was home and working on things with me, to which she replied Ok, think some distance is better for now (the same day he took me out) :O
I don't know why but it put it to the back of my mind and we carried on. Still not a lot changed, we pretty much went back to how it used to be. By December I was falling apart again. Constantly worrying what he was doing, who he was talking to, crying all the time.
He wanted to go away again for another meet, for the weekend. He told me he didn't know if she would be there, but he would be meeting up with his brother anyway so it wouldn't really matter (his brother knew what was going on). 3rd meet, again away for the weekend.
Fast forward to xmas and I find out he txt her cause he heard she was in a bad place (never mind me) he says she didn't reply, but...
With everything that's been going on, I am currently seeing a counsellor, signed off work and on anti depressants and he is still keeping things from me. Why??

After writing all of this I am starting to see things more clearly. What I fool I have been. How I have let him get away with far more than he should. Still, I would appreciate anything you have to say, as honestly as possible.
Thanx

Costacoffeeplease Sat 30-Jan-16 14:57:24

Well, yes you have let him away with a lot - you've tried but it's obviously not working, time to cut your losses I think, he's not worth any more of your tears and distress

Talcumsoul Sat 30-Jan-16 15:00:15

He sounds selfish, cruel and heartless. If it's not this woman now, will there be another later?
Think about what would make you feel better, healthier. I'm sure he is causing you all your distress. I suggest you separate, but for a longer time and see how you feel about him.
When I separated from my exH, initially I missed him terribly. Then I realised it wasn't him I missed but someone who loved me. It then dawned on me that person had left our marriage long before he physically left.

ImperialBlether Sat 30-Jan-16 15:01:37

The only way you can get past an infidelity is if he is desperate to make things work with you, realises what he's lost and is prepared to put his money where his mouth is. Even then it would be dreadful and would take an awful long time to get over it.

The thing is, you can't end someone else's relationship. Even if you managed to forbid him from seeing her, in his head he would be still yearning for her. You can't do anything about that.

From what you've said, I think it's time you cut your losses. He may not want to lose the family and his home etc, but he sure as hell isn't desperate to make things work with you. I'm really sorry.

The best thing you can do, I think, is take control now. Tell him it's over. Work out the money side. I hope you can stay in the home, at least until the children have left home. (If they're going to university, I'd say until they've left there, as they're home more than they're away.)

flowers for you - he's an idiot.

flatbellyfella Sat 30-Jan-16 15:05:16

I can see no future for you in this awful situation, get him out of your life as soon as possible.

OhShutUpThomas Sat 30-Jan-16 15:09:20

Why would you want to be with him?

You don't have to get over it you know.
You can just say 'this is too much. You've made me ill and I don't want to be with you. I want to be with someone nice who likes me. Or no one.'
Either option would be better.

He's done this. You're under no obligation to fix it.

flowers

bb888 Sat 30-Jan-16 15:10:25

He clearly isn't working on sorting out your relationship.

LucySnow12 Sat 30-Jan-16 15:10:57

So sorry to read about your pain. Go to this website - www.survivinginfidelity.com - there are lots of people there to help and good advice. He needs to leave. He is not working on your relationship or being honest.

BolshierAryaStark Sat 30-Jan-16 15:14:35

I think you know what needs doing. He came back to you because she didn't want him, why are you happy to be his consolation prize? Ask him to leave, for good this time-you deserve better than this.

lisielou81 Sat 30-Jan-16 15:27:30

I've been umming and arring over this for so long now that it seems part of my life. I really do appreciate all your comments and I suppose in a way Ive known what to do for a while, just been too scared.
Home isn't a problem and neither is money. I am the bread winner in this house, I pay for everything so I'm not worried about that at all.
Any decision I make must empower me to move on and be the best person I possibly can, I know that now.
Thanks to you all x

bb888 Sat 30-Jan-16 15:33:52

I left my relationship under different circumstances, but being proactive and ending something that wasn't working made me feel so much stronger and better able to cope.

ImperialBlether Sat 30-Jan-16 15:39:40

God, on top of that you pay for everything! You're not married, are you? I really hope you're not.

lisielou81 Sat 30-Jan-16 15:42:14

No! One of the things I'm thankful for. My only tie to him is our children and they are now old enough to understand things

MatrixReloaded Sat 30-Jan-16 15:50:43

It's just not possible to reconcile where there is no change and no remorse. He's text her in the hope of re igniting things , the same goes for the meet up. Does he work ?

Gobbolino6 Sat 30-Jan-16 15:59:48

I think that sometimes reconciliation is possible, where there is a real belief by the cheating partner that they made a terrible mistake, a real analysis of the marriage and the spouses and a lot of work put in by both parties.

The only person working here is you.

lisielou81 Sat 30-Jan-16 16:11:35

He works. Part time and seasonally. We moved from London to the Isle of Wight 8 years ago for the benefit of our kids. We both agreed to this move. He had a good job which paid well but he had to travel back to London. Staying there during the week.
He had a really good job offer when we moved over but he couldn't take it as he would have to learn to drive. He took 2 lessons and decided he didn't want to do it. So no new job. He's quite happy to stay doing what he's doing and doesn't plan on leaving it.

MoreGilmoreGirls Sat 30-Jan-16 16:18:06

In my experience to get over something like this the guilty party needs to be 100% committed to the relationship and building back the trust that has been destroyed through there actions. I'm afraid your OH is not anywhere near 100% committed to making this work. I agree that you need to get out of this situation. Good luck I'm really sorry this has happened to you flowers

HappenstanceMarmite Sat 30-Jan-16 16:25:12

He had a really good job offer when we moved over but he couldn't take it as he would have to learn to drive. He took 2 lessons and decided he didn't want to do it. So no new job. He's quite happy to stay doing what he's doing and doesn't plan on leaving it.

What a catch! A truly awful man and you don't need this piece of work in your life, treating you abysmally. Nothing to be said for him as far as I can see.

MatrixReloaded Sat 30-Jan-16 16:28:39

You might find this site helpfull talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/

Your husband isn't taking responsibility and it sounds like he hasn't been for a long time , refusing to learn to drive , working seasonally. That's what teenagers do.

lisielou81 Sat 30-Jan-16 16:34:06

I always wondered why they said 'love is blind'. 19 years later... now I know

Lillygolightly Sat 30-Jan-16 16:47:48

How awful for you flowers

I'm sorry for what your going through and you clearly don't deserve to be treated this way. Yes you've let him get away with far too much, but can put a stop to that now.

Sorry for what I'm about to say because this may sting a little, but the reason why he came home back to you is not because that's where he wants to be. He's home because OW didn't want him beyond a passing flirtation/illicit fumble as soon as he declared his freedom from you she said NO because she doesn't really want him...well she doesn't want the reality of him anyway and let's face it, no man who runs off from his wife and kids is much of a catch anyway right?. The problem is he hasn't taken her no as NO, he is hanging on in the wings hoping that if he tries a bit harder at some point he will win her over. You are the comfortable familiar pit stop until he reaches his end goal...Her (so sorry to say this because it must really hurt to read). I think if she said yes right now he'd be off!

What I'm saying is don't wait for her to tell him yes, you tell him NO! and put a stop to him treating you like a doormat. If he really was sorry and if he really wanted to be home with you love, he wouldn't hide a single thing from you, he would have cut contact with the whole Facebook group and her and be on his knees begging for your forgiveness.

Think...has he even really genuinely said sorry to you in a way that you believed he meant it? Has he done anything to modify he behaviour to rebuild trust? Has he been there for you held your hand cuddled you and let you express your anger, hurt and upset over what he has done to you? I don't this he has...has he? No...he has continued his Facebook group, he still takes his phone everywhere and everything is shrouded in a web of lies and secrecy leaving you living in a misery of mistrust and doubt!

It's hard enough getting over an affair when everything is open and on the table and the person who had the affair is genuinely sorry and distraught and would do anything to make up to their partner. It's neigh on impossible to get over an affair when the person who had the affair is still lusting after the OW!

I say you give him the boot and give it to him good. You tell him he has done absolutely NOTHING to deserve an ounce of forgiveness from you and that you won't be taken for a mug any longer. He can't just have you hanging in limbo while he is waiting to be wanted by the OW so don't let him do it...don't provide all the creature comforts of home so that when he thinks his ships come in that he can slink off to her and then say to you 'oh well, I did come back, I did try to work it out'. NO!!! Shove him off, especially since doesn't want him anyway, let him see what his actions have cost him and how shit life is without all the things you do for him...because if you don't do them anymore and the OW doesn't want to do them either...than he has exactly nothing which is exactly what he deserves!! Feck all!!

flowers wine chocolate

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 30-Jan-16 17:40:07

"I am currently seeing a counsellor, signed off work and on anti depressants"

My goodness, what a price you have been paying to try and keep this relationship and hold onto your sanity. You know what? No relationship is worth what it's been costing you.

What an outright bloody shit he is! He came back to you purely and solely because she didn't want him after all. How totally insulting is that? What a shitbag.

I'm glad you've resolved to get 13 stone of ugly and useless flab out of your life once and for all.

Things are going to get so, so much better

MatrixReloaded Sat 30-Jan-16 17:44:21

Cheaters are selfish people. Often if betrayed spouse's look back honestly at their relationship the cheater has been being selfish for a very long time. I really feel that this inbalance of responsibility plays a big part in infidelity. Cheaters will take and take and they always consider themselves the higher value partner. This is rarely the case.

As it stands he's not even meeting basic adult requirements. He chooses to work seasonally and spends all his time on Facebook. He won't drive and I doubt he's pulled his weight as a dad or a spouse. Often when infidelity occurs it's simply one more act of entitlement.

QueenLaBeefah Sat 30-Jan-16 17:49:55

He is completely using you - financially and emotionally to the extent he has made you ill.

I know it is easy for me to say but get rid of him. You are making all the effort whilst he moons around over her

You are still young and could meet someone absolutely amazing who gives you the respect and love you deserve.

Friendlystories Sat 30-Jan-16 18:24:23

I have very little to add, Lillygolightly's post sums it up beautifully. You deserve so much better than this, take control, make what happens next about what you want and on your terms, it will help you take some power back if you make the decisions now and stop allowing everything to be about what he wants. It will help you walk away from this with your head held high and is the first step to repairing the damage he's done to your self esteem. You sound strong, capable and genuinely lovely, far too good for him in other words flowers

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