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I've been very naive and now I feel like an idiot.

(20 Posts)
NaiveBean Sat 30-Jan-16 09:53:15

This happened two days ago but I still feel sick about it. I'm struggling with some minor MH issues that have exacerated it, I think, but I could really do with some virtual hugs as I don't have any friends I'd be comfortable discussing this with. Outside it looks like I seriously have my shit together (successful, good job, own home, feisty) but inside I'm drowning.

On the advice of a (male) friend, who has a lot of dinner dates (and some sex, but for him it's mostly about finding a girlfriend ) I signed up for online dating thinking the same would apply in reverse. There were the expected idiots, which I can happily ignore but two weeks ago I matched with someone who was attractive, smart and funny. We were getting on amazingly well, had a couple of dates and he wasn't obviously about just having sex. Stereotypically, he asked if he could come over, I said yes, we had some amazing sex and then in the morning he had a 'work emergency' and left (we were meant to be spending the day together).

My logical brain says that he led me on with everything else and once he'd had what he wanted, he's gone. There was nothing wrong at any stage as far as I could tell - he was massively complimentary and at the time the emergency seemed genuine (reacted to his phone etc.) but he has only sent me two messages since, both in response to me messaging him, the last one saying he's just so busy at the moment and wants to focus on other things. When he was leaving he said we would "play it by ear".

I don't mind having a casual relationship, but it's the lack of being upfront about it that has so upset me... I left myself get emotionally invested too quickly because he was amazing (and hot!).

I'm just feeling so low and awful, like all the guys out there are just interested in sex, not me and the ones that are interested in a relationship I just don't find attractive. I had a really bad breakup a year ago with my ex fiancé who at the time told me that he hadn't loved me for the best part of a year, which came as a huge shock. I am somewhat on the spectrum and I do struggle to understand/gauge other people's reactions.

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. The other problem I have is that stress and anxiety makes me not want to eat and I have already lost too much weight through work related stress (I have an old eating disorder that keeps flaring up). I started the dating thing knowing that I need some fun outside work otherwise work will consume my life, but it doesn't seem to be working.

My company provide free, anonymous counselling and I'll call them on Monday as I can't let the anxiety continue or I'll get really ill but I'm wondering if this is what it's like then how will I find someone? Previously I had very low self esteem - my ex picked me up in a student bar, in quite a creepy manner now I look back on it, but I have a history of not being able to say no when perhaps I should.

NaiveBean Sat 30-Jan-16 09:55:15

I should add, two messages in two days is fine, except that previously he was texting me all the time with flirty language etc. whereas his two other texts have been brusque, so this is a marked and obvious difference.

HandyWoman Sat 30-Jan-16 10:39:24

Hello NaiveBean firstly, what happened with this bloke could have happened to anyone. And it doesn't matter whether you slept with him on date 1, date 3, or date 33. Some blokes are perfectly intelligent and capable of doing all the relationshippy stuff, then you dtd and they naff off. It's not you, it's them. Sorry this happened to you.

Secondly, people who are spectrummy often have perfectly good instincts about people. Follow those. They will serve you well.

Thirdly, you may need a lot longer to recover from what happened with your ex. You are vulnerable in terms of your MH and that's your priority right now. Well done for deciding to access counselling. I would personally not meet with any guys until you are generally in a better place. Til then, I'd knock the OLD on the head and be very kind to yourself.


NaiveBean Sat 30-Jan-16 12:04:03

Hi Handy, thank you smile I guess I thought I was sorted and in a good place and then this happened and it threw me a lot more badly than I was expecting.

I guess I'm also quite lonely. I moved for work in the last year, so all my friends live a long way away and have families. I keep looking at local meet up groups but there's not a lot I'm interested in at all. I do need to get better at finding things to do!

I hoping counselling will help a lot.

Prayingforsnow Sat 30-Jan-16 12:05:15

There is another thread on here where a woman escaped from a date with an 'unexpected emergency' except they hadn't had sex. Sorry but his feelings have obviously changed. Knock it on the head and protect yourself from it happening again in the future.

LovelyFriend Sat 30-Jan-16 12:07:15

It wasn't you Bean - it was him.
From what I hear and read this kind of "plan" is all to common in the dating world today.
Puts me right off.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Sat 30-Jan-16 12:25:09

On another OLD fred, somebody told us about a friend who tried an experiment. Two profiles, equivalent in terms of age, size, etc, similar quality of picture, but one said her goal was no-strings sex and being casual. The other said she was interested in LTR. There was no way to tell this was rhe same person, AFAIK.

Surprisingly, the LTR profile got loads of pings from "fuck 'em & run" guys, whereas the Casual profile got very few. Surely, if they want dething casual, they'd be happy to seek like-minded females? Apparently not.

Moral of the story: guys like this don't just want sex. That'd be OK, as long as people are up front about it. No, what they also want is to tear you down. To teach you a lesson. How dare you be sexually liberated?

The good news is that not all guys are like this. The other good news is, consider yourself having had a lucky escape. You're not stuck in a relationship with somebody who has this shitty attitude!

Be kind to yourself.

Scarletforya Sat 30-Jan-16 12:56:47

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer That's very interesting.

NaiveBean Sat 30-Jan-16 13:58:26

Thanks everyone smile I do feel a bit better about it now. I'm finding the adjustment to being single after so long still a bit of a shock as I had to move at the same time so moved away from all my friends to be closer to work (it was a four hour commute, didn't make sense to continue it when my relationship wasn't there any more) when I split up with my ex... it's tough without a support network.

abbsismyhero Sat 30-Jan-16 14:02:50

personally it sounds like he wanted to hit and run so i would distance myself physically and emotionally go back to old and have a lot of conversations with people (not meeting people just yet just talking) sounds mad but it's like having a load of flirty mates to chat too you won't miss this guy a bit

mum2mum99 Sat 30-Jan-16 14:31:49

Flirty language texts means one thing: he is after sex. Red flag for the future.

gaddafiduck Sat 30-Jan-16 15:11:59

Why do you feel bad? Can you mentally reframe this as you dropping him? If he's not responding in a way that works for you, take control and stop contacting him. He's not good (keen) enough for you, so bin him off.

I'm also on the spectrum and have struggled with dating, but find it easier to let go/move on if I have fixed boundaries I wont let guys cross ( eg, he must behave respectfully, he must show an interest in moving the relationship forward). Im not sure if that's me or my asd speaking, but things worked out much better for me when I had clear 'rules' about what I wanted from a relationship, and what was acceptable behaviour. Anyone that didn't meet the benchmark either got dropped or was relegated to 'no-strings fun' (if thats what I wanted).

Don't make this about you not being good enough, its him that isn't stepping up here....

Claraoswald36 Sat 30-Jan-16 22:23:04

How unbelievably rude of this man. I empathise so much though. I started to wobble mentally in 2014 and then got utterly used and fucked over by a dentist and it really tipped me over the edge and I ended up taking weeks off work. Seems ludicrous I let a man upset me that much now but it made me Ill - no two ways about it. Be kind to yourself op flowers

musicismylife Sat 30-Jan-16 22:52:45

preemptive, spot on! I also reckon that a lot of men act to begin with like they want a r'ship when really they are just after a bit of 'how's ya father'.

I remember having a no-strings with a particular guy, a few years ago. I thought I loved him at the time. He blew hot & cold & made me feel that this 'amazing' r'ship would happen one day. It didn't.

I remember thinking why he perused me or didn't tell me to do one. He was a goid-looking guy, could have got sex anywhere (not saying he didn't, but...).

Then it dawned on me. Perhaps, for a guy, sex is more enjoyable for a woman who you know has feelings for you. I mean, if anyone has a choice of sleeping with someone who likes them a lot or just someone in passing, surely they would chose the former, which ties in a little with preempts initial point. Ego boost.

musicismylife Sat 30-Jan-16 22:54:08

*with a woman

1DAD2KIDS Sun 31-Jan-16 01:01:00

You know there maybe some logic to that argument. Maybe sex is more fulling when the OP cares for you. Of course that doesn't justify him being a total sh*t. It's a shame people just can't be more honest with what their looking for. But I think sex is best when both people are deeply connected and care for each other.

I am sorry to hear about the hurt this has caused and hope you can get over soon as possible.

Unfortunately there is no way of telling for sure if someone is going to do this. It's very unlucky. There are probably some tell tale signs that maybe identify one of these sorts of men.

ridemesideways Sun 31-Jan-16 01:45:12

Double standards. Some men would prefer a more 'wholesome' woman who isn't looking for no-strings sex (their interpretation, not mine). They're intimidated by more sexually liberated women and want to be in a position of 'power'. Yet they're too spineless to give valid excuses for their backtracking. Dickweeds.

INeedNewShoes Sun 31-Jan-16 02:12:23

Online dating has too many dickheads to navigate nowadays.

It has changed over the years, and the way things are now I've seen enough and can't be doing with the game playing etc.

That said, in the past year I have had dates with some guys who seem nice but who I just wasn't attracted to. There are still good guys out there but you really need to be robust and willing to sift through so much crap to get to them.

My most recent OLD relationship left me feeling broken and quite upset that anyone would treat someone else the way the guy treated me (seeing each other for 3 months, everything seemed great and then one day I just stopped hearing from him altogether - unfortunate as I had just let my barriers down and realised I like him an awful lot).

OLD dating seemed easier ten years ago, when the focus really did seem to be less on sex and more on finding a long-term partner.

Sorry OP that this has happened to you. It's really not nice sad

mathanxiety Sun 31-Jan-16 02:39:22

Then there are the men who like the chase and once they have got what they want they move on to the next chase.

28Limes Sun 31-Jan-16 08:18:56

Block him and move on - simples.

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