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Man does not want cheap sex

(83 Posts)
Cloverene Sat 30-Jan-16 09:19:06

Just after a bit of advice really, as struggling to understand what has happened here and why;

I met a lovely guy through a charity club. He is mid 30's, very intelligent and not super sociable. I was interested in him as a friend, but as the weeks/months passed, I began to grow attracted to him.

At the very onset, he kept telling me I would make a wonderful girlfriend and pursued me slightly. Always looking to talk to me during our charity events. I never heard from him much in the evenings/weekends, and he would always decline weekend catch ups. I would often invite him for drinks etc as at that stage I saw him as a friend, so when he declined, I didn't think anything of it.

One weekend he became very keen to meet me for dinner. The time wasn't right for me, so I had to decline. Fast forward a few weeks and we end up at the same pub, drinking. He insisted on coming back to my place after. At this stage, I still wasn't really interested in him, but he is attractive and I wanted sex.

We talked a lot at my place, but when it became time to do the deed, he declined and said he will only do it if in a relationship.

I was quite astonished. He ended up going home. He has now gone semi NC with me.

Under normal circumstances, I would just move on. But I think this guy could be the one, so I am feeling slightly flat about what to do, if anything? It is unclear to me what has happened here?

Orangeanddemons Sat 30-Jan-16 09:20:48

I'd only do it in a relationship too. Everyone is different.

DrSeussRevived Sat 30-Jan-16 09:21:16

Do you want to be in a relationship with him or just have sex? If the former, tell him; if the latter, that's not what he wants, so move on.

spudlike1 Sat 30-Jan-16 09:22:42

Got you thinking hasn't he ?

Fluffy24 Sat 30-Jan-16 09:23:53

Is he perhaps nervous/inexperienced and it was more of a bolt-in-panic maybe?

Babymamamama Sat 30-Jan-16 09:24:00

If he's the one I would recommend you start dating him if you get back in contact and save the sex for later along the line. What does cheap have to do with it?

Cloverene Sat 30-Jan-16 09:24:08

At the time I wanted just sex, and told him so. Have now changed my mind, and have told him so. We have written contact occasionally, but he is avoiding meeting up. It's almost as if we are semi NC.

Prayingforsnow Sat 30-Jan-16 09:25:02

Well that's up to him isn't it?

bb888 Sat 30-Jan-16 09:25:42

Maybe he just doesn't think that you would work together as a relationship?

Cloverene Sat 30-Jan-16 09:25:44

I am just surprised he invited himself to my home, but then did not want to do the deed. Why come over at 2am if that was not the intention?

Gliblet Sat 30-Jan-16 09:25:51

I'm not really interested in you but I want sex?

I can't imagine why that approach didn't work out for you. How have you gone from that to 'he could be the one'?

LaurieFairyCake Sat 30-Jan-16 09:27:02

Because he wanted to spend time with you?

Cloverene Sat 30-Jan-16 09:28:10

Glibet, fair point

In my defence, I backtracked a few days later. He caught me off guard. I wasn't looking for a relationship, so to have someone suggest it at that time, shocked me.

Branleuse Sat 30-Jan-16 09:28:33

why the fuck did he insist on coming back to your place after a date if he was not up for sex? Was he testing you?

It sounds to me like he would be a bit of a headfuck tbh, and hes now left you feeling humiliated and hes gone NC, because you wanted sex???

OP, you dodged a bullet imo

MorrisZapp Sat 30-Jan-16 09:28:37

He doesn't want a relationship or sex. Move on I think, sorry.

Gliblet Sat 30-Jan-16 09:28:39

Fair enough. Have you told him that?

hownottofuckup Sat 30-Jan-16 09:28:52

Maybe he didn't feel sleepy and fancied more conversation but not sex. Doesn't raise an eyebrow when women do it, why judge him differently?

TokenGinger Sat 30-Jan-16 09:29:21

Unavailable at weekends and evenings
Backing off a bit when you suggest things
Happy to see you when he insists

But won't have sex unless in a relationship.

This guy is married and is making you wait so that you think he's a respectable guy.

"Oh no, there's no way he can be married, he wouldn't even have sex with me until he was in a relationship with me."

Nice way to get you thinking.

Trills Sat 30-Jan-16 09:29:44

Maybe he thinks that you want sex with him and would pretend to want a relationship in order to get sex, but don't really want a relationship.

In his situation I'd definitely consider it a possibility.

Branleuse Sat 30-Jan-16 09:30:17

so he insisted on going back to hers

inber Sat 30-Jan-16 09:30:44

Sorry to be cynical, and it could be true of course, but this happened to a friend and much further down the line she discovered he couldn't manage to have sex. He hoped that by the time feelings had grown she wouldn't leave him.

Cloverene Sat 30-Jan-16 09:34:57

It has crossed my mind he could have a partner he is already living with.

Cloverene Sat 30-Jan-16 09:37:12

inber, very interesting.

Sorry for the TMI, but that night I was very flimsily dressed. When he did lay on me, I couldn't feel anything. But that could also have been the alcohol.

PeggyBlomquist Sat 30-Jan-16 09:38:10

I had a similar situation to this that went the same way as inbers friend. He suffered from ED which would not have been a problem if he had told me up front but it was the insidious lying through omission that got me. He told me after he thought I might love him.

One of my friends had something similar too, except hers was all about control. He backed off to see if she would run and run she did. He then controlled and controlled her until she was a shell of her former self. She is out now but he was a prick.

Either way this has AVOID written all over it.

peggyundercrackers Sat 30-Jan-16 09:41:22

Not everyone is into having a ons. Imagine a man turning down nsa sex - whatever next...

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