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Is this an affair ?

(67 Posts)
Heartshapedbox86 Sat 30-Jan-16 00:23:26

Long time lurker I've joined tonight because I've found out that my husband has been cheating on me.

I've found I his week that my husband of 6 years has been meeting up with a women and engaging in oral sex.

He says it isn't an affair because it's not emotional and all it is then making out with high leads to her giving him blow jobs and other sexual contact. He says it's not an affair because they haven't had full sex and it's not emotinally attached.

I've told him that in my eyes this is an affair but he says I'm wrong.

I'm deverstaed but he's making me feel like I'm overacting sad

SaySomethingCool Sat 30-Jan-16 00:26:27


Emotional or physical, he cheated and lied. You're worth more than this flowers

waitinggame1234 Sat 30-Jan-16 00:26:36

You're not over-reacting.

Do you think he would think you were cheating if you gave other blokes a blow job? I bet he bloody well wouldn't brush that off as "well it's not full sex"

Akire Sat 30-Jan-16 00:27:32

Sounds more like prostituion to me. If it's not got any emotions. Is she doing it for free?

You are not over reacting what would he say if you were just shagging for fun and tried the no emotions line....

bognorbanana Sat 30-Jan-16 00:28:18

He's cheated on you. He sounds vile. Sorry.
LTB flowers

Gobbolino6 Sat 30-Jan-16 00:28:21

Yes. That is cheating in anyone's view xxxxxx

SaySomethingCool Sat 30-Jan-16 00:28:29

Oh...and you are definitely not overreacting. Anything less than kicking his sorry arse out is an under reaction

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Sat 30-Jan-16 00:29:16

That's an affair.

Is it OK with him for another guy to give you oral sex for years behind his back?

smallfry16 Sat 30-Jan-16 00:39:50

He's Hopi g you'll buy into the it's only sex so it's meaningless bullshit. He's gas lighting you. Tell him to fuck off.

Heartshapedbox86 Sat 30-Jan-16 00:39:56

I've had my suspicions all week. He's been behaving really oddly. I know a female work collegue was texting him but when i checked his phone the messages were gone. I know for sure he was messaging her last night because I saw the name pop up InBev screen while he was washing up.

He's been away for 2 nights this week for work which meant staying over in a major city. Tonight he was in w snappy weird mood glued to his phone so i took a peek at the phone and there was one message from him to her saying "no time today I have to leave earlier than expected"

I ended up confroting him because I know all week it's been him deleting messages. He finally admitted to meeting up with her over the last few months which lead to the oral sex. He says nothing happened while he was away as she wasn't there but he admits he has seen her a few times this week. He's admitting that what he's done want right but says it's not an affair just a slip up and I'm over reacting massively.

His view of an affair is an emotional connection beyond friendship which is what they have and actual sex.

SpinyCrevice Sat 30-Jan-16 00:45:02

You have the right to leave him if he picks his nose at the breakfast table OP. Don't let him dictate to you what you should or should not consider a dealbreaker.
The day I learned my DP/DH had got a blow job off some OW would be the last day of my marriage and probably the last day he actually saw my face ever again. I would be so gone and everyone would know exactly why.

bognorbanana Sat 30-Jan-16 00:45:20

You are NOT overreacting.
What he has done is bad enough it itself.
The way he has reacted to you finding out and his 'justifications' are not husband material. I'm so sorry for you but he will likely do this again if you choose to stay with him.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 30-Jan-16 00:45:24

As he's met up with the ow on more than one occasion and is continuing to meet her, he is having an extramarital affair with her.

The law confines adultery to sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex and it's probable that he hasn't admitted having intercourse with the ow because he's trying to avoid being divorced for adultery with the possibility of her being named as co-respondent.

However, you can file for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour and cite his admission as to what activities take place when he's with the ow in your petition to divorce.

I suggest you tell your h that you're delighted he's told you about his hobby as it leaves you free to search online for a toyboy a man who loves to give and receive oral sex so that you too can have a non-emotional non-affair outside of your marriage.

Don't be devastated - offloading a faithless tosser in double-quick time has proved to be the making of many women and I'm sure you'll be no exception.

MrsGrumpyG Sat 30-Jan-16 00:48:50

Doesn't matter what his view of an affair is, if he's happy for you to go out and give or receive oral sex then his choice (incidentally I bet if you said that sentence to him he wouldn't be!).

Fact is though you set your own boundaries not him so if him going out and receiving oral sex off another woman has overstepped what you seem acceptable in your marriage then it doesn't really matter what he thinks. Fact is your hurt (rightly so), fact is he has betrayed you (as where was the conversation to say this was now a semi open marriage where you both agreed on these new rules), fact is you don't have to accept that treatment just because he is belittling your feelings and telling you that you have to.

Only you can decide how you deal with it but his reaction to me shows he has little respect for you. He isn't remorseful, he isn't sorry that he hurt you or that he is still hurting you. flowers don't let him make you doubt what you feel and know, get angry and get rid. You deserve better.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 30-Jan-16 01:09:12

The ow is a work colleague? What I've said above applies and he's obviously anxious to prevent you from filing for adultery and naming her as it's not likely to go down too well at work. If the ow is married it's an additonal reason why he's playing coy.

Regardless of what sexual activities she's got up to with your h, you need to get yourself checked for stis at your nearest GUM clinic and this may concentrate your mind on the need to rid yourself of the worthless piece of shit who's willing to risk your sexual health in order to get his rocks off with ow.

There's no going back from this and you can't move forward with him in your life as you'll, rightly, never trust him again.

Tell him to move out while you consider your options, leave him in no doubt that divorce is on the cards, and remind him that what's sauce for the goose applies to the gander.

sleeponeday Sat 30-Jan-16 01:09:27

Is he called Bill Clinton? That's precisely what he tried to argue. I seem to recall that a Grand Jury weren't too sympathetic.

It's gaslighting, pure and simple. Of course it's an affair. And someone trying to screw with your head, rather than just admit fault, is almost worse than the cheating. It's calculated to do huge psychological harm, on top of the original betrayal.

I'm sorry to point this out, but a lot of cheaters when caught claim it wasn't actually penetrative sex, just everything else. I think they feel that's more likely to be forgiven. They don't seem to grasp that it's the betrayal that matters, not the precise sex acts involved.

MadamCroquette Sat 30-Jan-16 01:19:30

OP it's absolutely classic for men to say it was just texting/just a snog/just a fumble/just oral sex/etc etc. They will say what they can get away with. The likelihood is it's been full sex.

But anyway, even if it was just what he described it is cheating, of course it is. I agree with others if some bloke from work was giving you oral sex he would not be fine with it at all. And apart from that it's for you to decide what you won't accept so "It's cheating in my book" is all you need.

I'd get rid, some people can get past an affair, but the cheater has to be sorry! Trying to argue it's not an affair is just pathetic.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 30-Jan-16 01:20:41

Tonight he was in w snappy weird mood glued to his phone so i took a peek at the phone and there was one message from him to her saying "no time today I have to leave earlier than expected

Like fuck his emotions aren't engaged! He's having a full on, full blown, affair with her and may be planning to leave you when he's got his ducks in a row.
Kick him out now and get yours lined up first.

GarlicBake Sat 30-Jan-16 01:25:05

A few times this week???! shock Just a slip-up! Good lord, the man takes the piss in a big way, doesn't he?

Whatever his, erm, slip-ups, Heart, I came here to say the same as other posters. You can leave a marriage when it stops making you happy. That is all.

He doesn't get to say whether or not your reasons are good enough.

The man you're married to cheats, lies, conceals his personal activities from you and treats you like a simpleton. He's also rudely dismissive of the woman who's been kind enough to put his cock in her mouth. He's not good enough for you, or for anyone with a modicum of self-respect.

GarlicBake Sat 30-Jan-16 01:26:03

I thought the same about that, goddess.

TheFormidableMrsC Sat 30-Jan-16 01:43:51

What Goddess said. That. Listen to her, she's very very astute! So sorry OP flowers

Heartshapedbox86 Sat 30-Jan-16 01:44:27

He keeps saying it's nothing and we can get past it. I shouldn't consider it an affair.

I've told him that I don't believe him that he hasn't had sex with her.

I asked why he deleted the messages and he said that if get the wrong idea about it then. I'm not really sure how he thinks what he's done isn't wrong.

Yes she is someone from work. He started mentioning her a fair bit recently. He often has work friends over with their families. I try and be as friendly as possible because I know it's important to him but he always makes excuses why she can't come. Recently he stopped mentioning her so much.
I actually thought she'd move departments.

MatrixReloaded Sat 30-Jan-16 02:01:50

Tell him to go and live with her.

noddingoff Sat 30-Jan-16 02:05:20

Jaw is dropping at the way he's telling you what to think!
"It's nothing". Millions would disagree.
"We can get past it" Speak for yourself, dickhead.
"You shouldn't consider it an affair"....well I think you can consider it any way you damn like. I certainly wouldn't take instruction on how to think from this...person.
I'd show him the door for good for what he did, but for what he said I'd be tempted to kick him in the arse on his way out.

GarlicBake Sat 30-Jan-16 02:35:19

When the mentionitis stops is when the affair's got serious.

I'm very sorry, Heart. It's better you ditch him than wait around for the script to keep playing. I know this is much harder to do than to say - although you might find it surprisingly easy once you've faced the facts!

Have you got people to talk to in real life?

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